After Christmas Craziness

On the 20th, our foster kids left.  They moved to be with grandparents, so I guess it was for the best for them.  We had given our 30 day notice to the county earlier in the week due to some extreme behaviors from the older 2, and the lack of support and therapy from the county.  So, on court day, the judge granted custody to the grandparents, and after an initial few weeks of being monitored by the county, they will be done with CYS.  The parents think they did good by ok'ing custody to grandma, but in the long haul of it, they will find it will be so much harder to get them back from her as it would have been from the system.  But anyway, we're moving on. 

Saturday I got hit by a bad case of the stomach flu.  Or food poisoning.  Not sure which, but I vomited too many times to keep track from Saturday night till Sunday, then slept all day Sunday and all Sunday night into Monday.  I finally ate real food on Christmas day, and still feel a little bit weak and dizzy at times.  Mental games are making me question what was the cause of it all because it was strictly the vomit side of things, and no real fever.  And my cycles are so screwed up lately and I know I totally skipped November and December so far.  But I'm fairly certain that nothing is possible.  Just those 10+ years of trying that plays mind games when I have issues like this.

Christmas was nice.  Really quiet compared to how the past month had been for us, but it was nice.  We made it way more low key and not so over spent this year, mostly because I had no time to shop till the very last week.  He didn't notice the lesser amount of gifts, and was very excited over what he did get.  He still very much believes in Santa so it was cool to still see the magic side of things on Christmas eve and his rush to get sleep.  And then the suspense of hearing him waking up and peaking at 3am.  Then sighing loudly till we finally gave in at around 4:15-4:30ish because we had told him he had to sleep till 5.  We did give in early, and then ended up sending his whiney but back to bed at 6:30 because he was so emotional and over tired still.  After a little nap, we were back up at 8:30 and enjoyed the rest of the day. 
The dogs got lots of chewy bones and toys they can't kill so easily and have been having a blast ever since. 

And our tree.  It has to come down asap.  On Friday I had my babysitting kids come back, and the little one likes to beat the tree and watch stuff fall.  A few little tiny branches came lose, and the dogs got them before I really noticed.  Then they developed a taste for pine.  And ever since, they will sneak a branch when I'm not looking or in the room, and chew for a while.  The tree now looks pathetic so it will be coming down today. 

A few pics, then I'm off to pack up Christmas. Sad to see it go so fast, but it's over now, and time to move on. 

 

We've been busy

We finally got placed with kids.  November 19th, we got a sibling group of 3.  Now 7 year old boy (birthday was last week), 5 year old girl, and a as of today, little over 3 week old boy.  So life has been so crazy busy.  Things are not going so great.  The parents of the children knew they were coming into care, and told the older 2 that foster care and county agency is very bad and mean, and that we will hurt them and not ever let them go back, but if they fight us and do not listen, that they will get to go back sooner because no one wants to deal with bad behavior.  So, guess what they have done?  Fight.  Refuse to trust.  Threatened to run away.  Total craziness.  After 10 days, we had a court hearing to determine length of their stay, requirements to get them back, etc.  At that point, we made the judge aware of the struggles and why, and the parents were told they had to tell the kids that they were wrong, and see if that helped with the listening.  It did with the girl, but the boy has some serious behavior issues.  We're at our witts end here and are actually waiting on info on if they can even remain as a group.  He has displayed so many extreme behaviors that he needs specialized care and some big time therapy.  The ultimate goal is that their grandma is going to get approval and take them all into her care once all the legal stuff is in order.  At this point, with the issues we've experienced, they are not going to move too quickly.  Maybe the older 2 first, therapy and check in's and then baby can go.  We don't know anything yet.  I've learned that the system is even more screwed up than I thought earlier. 
The baby is doing awesome.  He is very tiny, and was a result of not proper care during pregnancy and then complications at the end.  I forget the term they used, but basically he was better out in the world than in, and even though he was born at 39 weeks, he was only 4lbs 6ozs.  At his 2 week check up, he is up to 5lb 2ozs.  Itty bitty though.  He's only 17 inches long.  We just now are using newborn diapers and clothes, and they still swallow him.  He's been a pretty awesome little guy.  Sleeps great, has one crying spell in the evenings when it's the craziest around here and as long as he's held and snuggling, he's happy as can be.  I even got a few tiny smiles yesterday while talking to him.  He's definitely becoming more alert and having longer awake times.  It's going to be really hard to see him go, but at the same time, maybe not as hard as if it was just him.  I know that he needs to be with the rest of his family, and the issues we've had with the older ones may make them leaving not so difficult.
It's all part of the learning experience.  I now know that we need to stick to our plan of no boys close in age to K.  We need to re-evaluate if we want emergency placements, or if we need to meet and visit several times first.  We know we can handle the emotional needs of the 5 yr old, and definitely can handle the baby, so it's at least given us some helpful info.  And whether they realize it now or not, I know they will look back when they are older and remember their stay here as a good experience in a very hard time of their childhoods. 

And the baby  has definitely made me reconsider being totally past this stage. All it took was one in the home 24/7 and not babysitting to realize it isn't as bad as the last 2 I've babysat. 

So that's the quick update.  Off for baby snuggle time before getting the boys from school.  Living it up while he's here.  :)

Updates

I got an email from a reader friend asking for updates on the foster process.  We're still waiting again.  We had several calls in September, nothing at all in October, and now a few this month.  None of the recent cases are emergency placement, and court dates are still a few weeks out.  Kind of just wait and see, but assume it's not going to work out for either of the cases.  That's our experience on the non rush cases.  I hate waiting, but during this wait we've been working in therapy on better preparing Kristopher for the changes that can happen, and at least with our 2 short stays this summer, he knows a little of what to expect.  His therapist has given me a lot of good ideas on how to explain things to him to help him better handle behavior issues we may have.  The biggest issue I had over the summer placement was him not wanting to interact with the kids much due to behavior issues.  They were a bit wild, but they did respond well to time outs.  Towards the end it was getting a lot better but he didn't get enough time with them to see that change.  I think he understands it better now, and is more open to helping them overcome the changes in rules and homes. 
I've also realized that my babysitting schedule was simply not working for us, and have gone to part time.  My ultimate goal at this point will be to end that with a longer term placement, and go to just back up help with babysitting.  A big part of the reason that the summer placement did not work out was because I had too many of my own to schedule appts for, and no way to include the babysitting kids.  I was stranded, and the demands of a child in the system does not mix well with stranded.  So now, we are much better able to handle another situation like that one.  I still have a feeling that we will have placement before the end of the year, and it sort of scares me because my gut feeling is that it will be days before Christmas.  And I'll be having to rush around to find some things so they don't feel left out or skipped over. 
Which brings me to that subject.  I can not believe that Christmas is coming again so quickly.  We have spoiled this kid for years with way too much crap that truly is not needed.  It's exciting for a week or 2, then I'd say 75% of it gets shoved in the toybox and forgotten about.  So, this year, I'm cutting back.  I usually do black friday shopping and a lot of what I'd get him was impulse purchases because of the savings.   I'm not going out black friday this year.  What I've done this year so far has been to go out and just browse around stores with him and making mental notes of what he really stops and oohhs and ahhhs over.  And if he does it the next time we look, it rates high on the list.  The biggest idea I have so far is I'd like to go to Michaels or AC Moore and get a bunch of art supplies.  He's kind of outgrowing the crayon and crayola stage, and I'd like to get him paint and better longer lasting supplies.  And some sketch books.  Create a little art box or something cute that it can be kept in and kept safe and I think it will be a big hit.  I also have a list of books that I've noticed him really checking out.  In one way he is getting easier, because he's into more of hands on stuff, less toys, but at the same time, he's getting into the more expensive and complicated age.  If I wouldn't have done this browsing thing with him, he would be a pretty complicated kid to buy for. 

He started OT a week ago, and yesterday was his 2nd session.  I am starting to like it.  They have been giving me some print offs of things we can work with at home, and we have bought some of the "tools" they use with him so we can practice at home.  He will be going for at least 3 months, and then will have another assessment to see if he needs longer.  I can see it taking that whole 3 months because he's very off on coordination.  We took the bike to yesterday's appt and they worked with him on that some.  He can pedal if he has a head start but is so dangerous that I can not trust to take him out of our yard.  He watches his feet and hands instead of in front of him, and then panics when it's time to stop and runs into whatever is in his path.  It's pretty scary.  So, they have him starting way back at the beginning.  Not allowed to use the pedals till he can "coast" while looking up and taking in what's around him, not watching his feet. 
One thing I have noticed is that he gets highly upset with himself (and everyone helping him) when he gets to something that is challenging to him.  He's thrown some good fits for them, throwing the ball down, or the shoe for shoe tying...and even pushed the bike away yesterday when he got mad.  He just gives up.  They are awesome with handling those fits, where I am not.  So that helps me a lot.  They help him through that harder stuff, and then I just push him to keep practicing at home after he knows they are not taking no or I quit as an answer.  So they get to be the bad guys. 
He doesn't totally hate it though.  They include enough fun activities that he still likes to go for that.  We get a 2 week break now due to Thanksgiving. 

Well, enough for the updates today. Will try harder for at least a weekly update...

Halloween, a day late

 

Happy Halloween!  We're a day late.....OR better yet, 364 days early!

 

Since Roxie's costume is so hard to see in the first photo, here's just Roxie...

 

 

Bat Princess

 

Friday

Well, it's Friday again and it's another week that I have sucked at updating on here.  I have a nasty cold and super busy to top it off.  So that's my excuse.

This week we had the first OT evaluation.  Since the initial 1st grade meeting last year, there have been some concerns with Kristopher's gross motor as well as fine motor development.  Fine motor has improved a good bit, especially if he takes his time and applies himself to it.  Gross motor however, he seems to have gotten worse.  Maybe it's because he is getting taller and more awkward, who knows.  That was his doctor's excuse for it when I brought it up at his yearly appt.  Anyway, I decided after another round of forms and still notes from teachers on it, to go get the eval done on my own.  And I'm glad I did.  As I watched this whole process take place, I started to see more and more "flaws" with the way he does things that should be so much easier for him.  The therapist agreed, and the first request was to get a real eye exam.  She said she sees a lot that seems like his side vision is impaired.  We've had the yearly school eye tests, and the test from the doctor's office at his annual exam, but never to an eye doctor since he passed those.  I got a referral to a specialist who deals with the OT office frequently and he goes for that appt on the 6th.  It's to check ocular motor skills.  If there is a problem with that, it would explain so much of his balance and coordination issues.  No matter what the outcome with that, she is starting him in weekly OT as of the 7th.  And we get to take the bike so he can practice from someone different and I don't get so much whining fits directed at me.  Hopefully she can help. 
As for the fine motor.  He does not qualify for fine motor OT unless it's through school or paid for out of pocket.  If she feels that there is a definite need for that, she can fill out some info for the school and we will push the issue.  I really think he just needs to calm down and focus.  Writing is not a subject he likes, so he rushes.  Same with the cutting.  He does not like to take his time.

Thursday night we had an after school activity that I was dreading.  They have fall and spring skating nights.  Last year we went to both and it was a disaster each time.  Back to the above with the balance issues and he flat out would not try.  It was meltdown city and he hated the entire night.  This year, my husband stand home with the boys I babysit, and me, K, the girl I watch and her mother all went to the event.  I was out on the rink with them, and helping K through it all.  Which in case you are wondering, supporting an 8 year old who is 4'7 & 66lbs before skates, is quite the task when he can't stay upright and won't even try.  I was fine till he started to give me serious attitude issues because he was falling.  Like it was my fault.  After about 10 minutes of him getting furious, whining and refusing to make any effort at all to help himself when he fell, I walked on up with the others and let him sit there in the middle of the rink.  I peeked back a few times and saw him trying to figure out what to do (he couldn't see me through other people) and finally he managed to stand up. It reminded me of the movie Bambi, on the ice.  He fell again, but since I wasn't right there, he didn't start the whining/crying fit.  He slowly got back up, and next thing I know he was next to us.  He tried to hold onto me again and I would keep moving farther away.  Finally he started getting super angry at me again, and next thing we know the teacher skates up and compliments him on such a great job.  I think she was watching from a distance.  He absolutely loves his teacher, and will not display any of the anger and babyish behavior around her.  Or in the school at all for that matter.  So, he immediately started smiling and showing off how he was trying.  She took him along with her and taught him a few tricks on how to keep from falling and magically he was off and never tried to hold onto me again.  It was awesome. 

Before the teacher came and saved the night

After!

And I'll add one more cute picture of the special bond he has with Marley now.  She has got to be one of the most sweetest dogs I have ever met.  The loyalty she has with him is amazing for how young she is.  This is a common thing in our house at night.   

Doggy Love

Confusing

Well, the meeting was not a bad experience really.  But it leaves me confused.  The teachers do not experience any of the social set backs that I witness.  Basically without making this a huge post, the school, including the person I got involved, does not believe he has asperger's.  He is very socially involved in school, very advanced and focused on his work, basically a model student.  They have noticed his need for following the rules and give a lot of positive praise for doing so good.  We have a few changes for his off days, and hopefully that will help him realize that mistakes are ok and not take it so personally.

As for learning wise, they have already on their own realized how advanced he is, and have him involved in an enrichment program as part of the gifted program.  3 days a week he takes part in a special extra session.  This just started about 2-3 weeks ago and I have actually seen some progress since that point.  I do remember him mentioning it, and I just assumed it was part of the regular day activities.  They are going to discuss some other options to help keep him challenged as well. 

Its  been recommended to try to create more of a structure here to see if that helps him, and include a little down time shortly after getting home so he can rest and have quiet time to relax.  I am starting to think that maybe part of his stress and meltdowns has to do with the fact that he tries so hard all day long that when he gets into his comfort zone, he just melts.  I have noticed that babysitting full time is not working out in our favor because of how hectic it has become.  There's not a regular schedule for evenings anymore, and they have been here later than in the past.  It cuts into too much of our time in the evenings and since we're pushing this stricter bedtime routine, he struggles with how late they stay.  So, I'm cutting that down to part time as soon as back up help is found.  I agree on that subject 100%.  Since the baby came along, and the middle child also has some behavior issues and delays, our after school time is pretty much stuck here at the house, and no real structure.  It's hard to do much when we don't know how long we have till they are picked up, who's getting them, etc.  Going to the park is something we use to do on a regular basis, but with the behavior issues and needs of the youngest 2, it's hard to devote the time he wants.  Same with library time.  So, part time is clearly needed.  The days that I do not have them, it's a lot easier around here in the evenings.  Although he does seem bored and plays less when no one else is around to interact with.  Sucks being an only child.

Socially need to get out more as well.  Competitive sports is not recommended, so I'm suppose to be getting a phone call with several other numbers for places to get him out and involved.  We're also going to start helping with some animal shelters because that is a subject he is very highly interested in. 

Ideal situation would for the foster program to work out for us.  Create a structured environment to make that all blend nicely.  It worked when we had the short term placement.  Plus I find it so much easier to make and stick to a schedule when it's more than just me and him.  Babysitting is the exception because of how disorganized their parents have become. 
Anyway,  I feel  a lot better about the meeting.  I feel that he has an awesome teacher this year who is very involved the way we need.  I expressed my concerns with the 1st grade experience and basically was told that it was a definite clash in personalities and if I would have spoke up earlier in the year, that would have been changed.  I regret that, but the past is the past and it's time to move on.  All I can do is push to make this a much better year and to stay on top of things better.   I'm still going to look into the evaluation and see if we can get the anxiety diagnosed, and see if we could get some new coping ideas without jumping to meds.  Either way, I think we're on the right path now.

Been busy

Since the last post, I've kinda been a little bit crazy with calls and setting up appts and meetings to help make this school year be a more positive experience. 

I haven't really been posting a whole lot about school and left a lot of 1st grade out.  Basically, long story short, 1st grade sucked.  Somewhere between kindergarten ending and this point, he's started taking school so seriously, that I don't think he allows himself to enjoy it.  If he forgets and talks at the wrong time, or any little bit of pointing out a flaw in the day sets him into a major anxiety fit for me at night.  He blames himself for hours and hours about whatever happened, and refuses to accept that everyone makes mistakes. 
His therapist is starting to see a lot of the angry and guilt he puts on himself as well, and said it was time to request an IEP to help him handle is school day a little better.  So after a long consult with her, I marched into school and flat out said that to the guidance counselor.  And I was told "you can't just ask for something like that!  There has to be reasons behind it.  So I explained again. S L O W L Y.  Then I'm told "well he is not showing this issues at school, so we still can't just start an IEP without there being a problem in school."  So I went home feeling defeated.  Then, the next day I get a call from someone my mom knows.  (have I mentioned that she works for the county mental health department?)  She briefly mentioned to the lady what I've been dealing with, and how I'm feeling about school and asked if she was able to talk to me.  So, basically, I got someone higher than the school, involved.  She said I most certainly can request him to have an IEP and she feels that if his evenings are being effected to this extreme, than it is time to get the school aware on a more higher level.  She requested me to set up a meeting between his teacher, guidance, and herself.  Also to get either a formal letter from the therapist with her diagnosis thoughts, what she witnesses, or see if she can personally be present for the meeting.  She could not, but I got an awesome letter from her.  I approached the school again, and as soon as I mentioned the name, I magically had a meeting scheduled.  Wednesday is the big day. 

So, I've been busy trying to sort all that out, and still helping him through his struggles. 
I'm at the point that if we can not get anywhere this school year, I'm taking serious consideration into pulling him out and doing the Public Cyber School option our state has.  There are so many more social opportunities around here for homeschool students, as apposed to regular school students.  And the time frame to participate is so much easier.  I'm still trying to avoid that option because he does like school.  Or the idea of school.  I'm not sure what it is.  And I know they can hold his attention so much easier than I can.  I just want him to get the help he needs, and to go back to how he was in Kindergarten when he loved school so much, gave his work his all, and had a ton of friends that he was excited to see. 

That's it for today.  More after the big meeting Wednesday.

Diagnosis

After a year and half of very regular therapy, ups and downs with school, definite ups and downs at home, I've finally got something to call this.  Asperger's.  "Mildly" but still aspergers.  I've questioned it, we tested last year, and were told just anxiety.  Now more and more issues come out, more stress and confusion on my behalf, and finally last week she says that she believes this is what it is now.  We did not go through whatever formal testing they may do to say 100% for sure, but I am sure.  This Wednesday I have a meeting one on one with her, and we're going to discuss things further.  I don't want there to be something wrong with my kid, but it's very frustrating to sit back and watch everything he goes through and not know what is causing it.  I knew for a while that it was more than anxiety. 
So Wednesday when I can process things better, I'll write a longer post. 
And I'll end with a few pictures since that's been a while. 

Kristopher & the girls on his b-day

Game continues

The entire freaking foster game is getting old.  We are still back and forth on this same subject of the girls.
The last post about them said it was over.  Due to some scary stuff that we were told at our final meeting.  Then, I come to find out last week that a big part of that scary stuff was all for show, and because the people involved were trying to scare us.  They didn't like how far the kids would be moving, and thought they'd make it sound really bad so that we would say no.  And the person they wanted (very screwed up situation) would get them instead.  We were scared, and we did say  no.  Then, a week later it all got back to the supervisor at CYS and she was FURIOUS.  Basically we were lied to and it was a scare tactic.  We had requested real information on the background and our fears, and were back on waiting for the court date.  We were told the person that the family wanted, was definitely not going to get them, and if we wanted them still, we were who the county wanted.  So we talked, and decided we still wanted and were not going to let the what ifs get in the way.  We were prepared to fight.  I was planning a weekend full of room arranging and preparing for them to be coming Monday.  Sounds real good right?  We even told Kristopher that it was probably going to happen afterall.

Then....Friday late afternoon we get an email saying that now they are not moving at all, and the supervisor was very sorry to leave it at that but was late for an appt.  We are not to report to court, they are not moving, updates will come Monday.  Seriously freaking craziest cases ever is all we seem to get. 

In the meantime.  The respite girl we had this summer is now in need of a new foster home.  She's going on 15, has mild mental retardation, special needs in school, unique situation with her as well.  They need someone who could provide a foster home till they could find a permenant home that would be willing to adopt.  It could take a good bit of time.  She and Kristopher did get along pretty well, with a few issues at first because it was all new to everyone.  She had a lot of needs, but I think in time we could learn how to parent her.  But, we're talking a while.  I don't think we could adopt her, but if we take her in, we have to be committed to making her safe and welcome till she can find a family of her own.  She's way over the age group we were looking at.  We were starting this process with the hopes to foster to adopt.  Kristopher doesn't want to be the youngest, but did ok with her because she's actually on a social and learning level below him.  That was also pretty confusing to him as well.  There is a lot of things to factor into a decision to help or not in this case.  It would most likely mean no other placement till she has moved on.  If that takes a year or 2, we've pretty much lost out on our younger age group hopes because I don't want to be starting all over when Kristopher is over 10.  By the time he's at that preteen stage, it's going to be a lot harder to bring in little kids and still be able to do all the stuff we've become accustom to doing as a family.  Right now it's still ok because of babysitting and him already being use to that.  And same with me.  But, this girl may not have anywhere else to go.  I have a huge list of questions about her care, her lifestyle, and all that good stuff to sit and talk with the agency about tomorrow.  I need to make sure we can still function the way we do, with her needs, and still make her feel welcomed and loved. 
So it's been pretty trying here.  I'm tired of the exciting planning part, then everything changing.  This is so much worse than the TTC waiting game.  They are hanging real kids in our hopes, we're learning about them, meeting them, planning a life with them in it, and then as we get comfortable and ready, they take them.  At least when I was waiting to know if a cycle worked, there wasn't a promise of a child right there already waiting. 
But, with all the craziness, our trial runs, and the mental planning, I know without a doubt this is what I want to do.  I'm officially ok with the fact that I may  never get pregnant again.  I may never give birth to another child.  But I know without a doubt, that someday, I will have more children.  I will get the chance to help a child who truly needs me.  I just have to somehow learn patience to wait this out.  Waiting has never been something I've been good at.

8

We had a birthday last week!  I suck at updating.  This post was started last week....geez.

So, to document everything for turning the big number 8, here's what we have.

He's just started 2nd grade.  LOVES school as always, and so far seems to be his best year.  No issues with being dropped off, comes home in a good mood, and bedtime has been a little bit easier. 

He is 4'7" and towers over the rest of his class, and is around 62lbs.  He looks starved because of how tall and boney he is.  We've came a long way from our super chunky baby who was off the charts in all areas.  He's still off the charts in his height, but back to a below middle range for the weight.  I find that interesting. 

We have moved from the car seat/booster seat stage and he now sits on the regular seat in the car.  Scares the crap out of me, but size wise, the belt did not fit properly anymore with him in the booster.  And no matter what the seats say, the 5pt harness does not fit a kid this size.  Not safely. This is a huge subject for me, but I've finally came to the realization that we are done with that stage until we have another little kid.  Whether that be through birth, or fostiner, or whatever.  Either way, it's scary to see your child just hopping into the car and sitting on the normal seat with nothing extra to protect them. 

His likes at this point is #1 DS.  He's addicted to mario, and also loves angry birds. 
He still reads first thing every morning when he wakes up, and loves Magic Tree House chapter books.  He can read at a much higher level, but loves the stories so sticks to those.  He can finish one of those books in under an hour when he really focuses on strictly reading.  We're starting to get higher level, longer books, and spend time every evening reading a chapter or 2 before bed. 

Anxiety is still kinda high, especially at bedtime.  We have a new reward system we are working at, and it seems to be working pretty good.  He is still in therapy and goes every other week now. 

This summer he has learned to ride his bike.  He still struggles and gets scared at times, but the training wheels are gone!  And he practices in our bumpy yard, so if he can do it there, I'm sure when we hit the trails we like, he will do totally fine.  Although, it's time to upgrade his bike.  He still has an 18 inch bike, which he looks like a giant when he sits on it. 

And, he's also learned to tie his shoes!  We've struggled with some of the motor skills stuff for a while and there was just a big change over the past few months that he's really gotten older. 

I question this whole upcoming puberty subject as well.  The kid is getting hairy.  As in dark leg hair.  As well as his back.  And I noticed a little on his upper lip.  Geez.  He just turned 8.  It has to be too soon right?  He's hit everything so early with everything else, this subject definitely scares me.  Also, I noticed his nose and forehead had very slight breaking out starting.  So not ready.....
I'll have to post pictures another day.  I am definitely lacking in that. 

Second Grade

Yesterday was the start of the new school year.  Kristopher is in 2nd grade this year!  He is very excited about his new teacher and had a chance to get to know her last year as they prepped him for the changes.  He's already made a new friend and was super excited to go back today. 
Back to school photos:

.

 

Every year we would take one with him and Zoey together.  This is the first year for the puppies.  He was pretty excited for this one!

 

 

Ready to go

 

Walking into school.  We opted to buy the backpack from Lands End this year.  The first 2 years I allowed him to get the character style stuff from Target and the quality flat out sucked.  I know several people who have had the lands end backpacks and they have lasted for years and years.  So, he picked the space theme.  I am very impressed so far with the quality and it definitely feels built to last.  And the customer service was awesome so I definitely would recommend them to everyone!

 

 

And now he's tired of the photos.  This is his look of "please just stop and let me go in already."

I can't believe he's already in 2nd grade.  And Monday he will be turning 8 years old.  It's been a huge year of so many changes and so much growing up.  I hope this is his best year yet for school, and already feel like he has the best teacher he's had so far.  She seems very awesome and dedicated, and hopefully helps him reach his full potential.

Final decision was made

We will not be getting the 2 girls that I have been writing about for almost 2 months.  We had a final meeting to go over anything we would need to know before they get placed.  We were suppose to appear for court in September, they would be leaving with us from there, and it sounded like it was a long term, able to adopt them type of case.  We bonded with them over the visits, Kristopher bonded really quickly, and all 3 kids got along really great. 
Then the bomb was dropped.  The biological parents have very scary criminal history.  The one will be getting out of prison in a little less than 2 yrs.  With that, comes a lot of threats on "making anyone involved pay" who was part of causing them to lose their parental rights.  Obviously in their minds, their actions meant nothing.  They should be able to pick up 10 years later like they were not gone the entire lives of these children.  And the even scarier part of these threats, is they have threatened and acted in the past on other subjects.  Well planned out, sick ideas.  So the reason this has been so confusing has been because there are serious risks involved when they are no longer locked up and anyone involved is at risk of being hunted down by the sound of it.  It was the deal breaker.  Way too serious of risks.  I can not put my family through that.  In my opinion, these people have already missed out on so much of the kids lives.  They have already screwed up their own lives to the point of not able to make anything of themselves ever again.  They sit there in prison and plot revenge.  Not learn from mistakes and better themselves.  They are sitting there with such hate and rage, just planning what they can do when they get out.  They have threatened their own daughter and grand daughter for allowing this to happen.  Just not going to get involved at this point.  It's way too much.

It was a hard decision to make because we invested so much time.  We got close, we've been mentally picturing ourselves as a family of 5...As having 2 daughters. Of having 3 kids.  Of what we could do as a family.  How Christmas would be.  How trips would be more fun, etc.  Not just with extra kids, but with THESE kids. 

And I'm furious.  This is information that should have been disclosed to us from the very first meeting.  Our agency is in just as much shock as we are, because they were not even told this. 

So we're back to the beginning.  It could be a few days of waiting, it could be a few more months.  All I know is right now, we have nothing to plan for and it can be any day.  I hate the limbo of all this.  I've officially ate my words.  This is harder than ttc and the waiting game.   This shows me real live children, and what our life could be like.  And it sucks. 
But....I'm in this to help and I know the right placement will come our way.  I believe it all happens for a reason. And right now I'm just going to believe that this happened this way to protect us from something bad.  I just hope that they figure out how to protect the kids and everyone who is involved in this before the parents can act on their revenge.  I don't see how they can make those threats, and be allowed out to take that chance.

Back to school

Last night we had back to school night and met Kristopher's new teacher.  It's so hard to believe that he is starting 2nd grade.  They did a transition and special meetings between him and the 2nd grade teachers last year, so he was already very aware of the 2nd grade layout, and already knew his teacher pretty well.  I think this year may just be the best year he's had yet.  She seems to be the best teacher so far.  She loves animals, so he is very excited about that, and she is very positive focused.  And she already knows all about Kristopher and the anxiety issues we've experienced in previous years.  She has him sitting near the front of the group, and has some special jobs to include him in so he doesn't get bored.  She also has reading & math ideas for some extra projects to help him from feeling bored.

Last school year he had completed math facts up to mid 4th grade level, and was reading around the same point.  They require all group activities to be on group level so that when they do the 3rd and up testing, they are not lost and confused. 

Overall, he's pretty excited to start back up.  We got all the supplies and his backpack is packed and ready.  We're experiencing a lot less anxiety this year.  One thing that I did notice with visiting the classroom last night, not many kids are still here.  We live in an area that has a lot of army that are only here for one year, so we must have had a ton of newbies move in.  I believe out of 17 kids, 3 are names that he has seen in the past few years.  The other 2nd grade class has a little more that he has seen before, but no names that click as real friends.  I hope he can meet some new friends this year and have that connection again. 

Another experience

We get to chalk our placement up to just another experience.  The kids were removed yesterday and placed in a new, longer term home.  A big concern for them being here was they were not able to share a room since the oldest was about to turn 5, and they were not all the same sex.  The initial plan when we got the call, was to place the boy in with Kristopher.  We thought since he's done so well with the ones I babysit, that it would go ok.  He's always been great with bonding with the younger kids, and loved to teach and help them learn.  However, this 4 yr old and Kristopher had constant battles.  The 4 yr old has never been around older kids ( he and his sisters came from a home with 3 sets of couples, and 7 total children in one home, he and his sisters being the oldest.  That means 4 of the other children in the home were under 2 yrs old.)  So anyway, it was a battle from the first day here.  He would constantly terrorize Kristopher and boss him around.  We would try individual play time, and he would end up smashing whatever Kristopher had set up for him.  Tried them in K's room, and it ended in K screaming to stop something within 2 minutes.  I explained that it was just not possible for them to share a room since the kid had no boundaries or respect for other people's personal space.
At that point, we committed to 30 days, and they had to find another placement by that point.  They approved the kids to be ok to share a room since it was only a month.  The next night, we had proof that they had sexual exposure, and it was then said that they absolutely were not allowed to share a room.  We had to move the boy to the living room, and use baby gates and monitors at night to make sure there was no way they could get in each other's areas at night when we were not there to watch every move.  I was asked again to try putting him in Kristopher's room.
Last Friday they separated the girls from the boy.  The girls went with a respite family for the weekend, and I kept the boy here.  We thought maybe one on one time would help the boys bond, but it was not successful.  And it was clear that the kids could not be separated because the boy got very depressed.
So yesterday we were told that they could not go back to their parents, and that the search would start for a new family.  I was advised to be prepared that they will probably be here for the full 30 days, and to just keep the boy either in the living room to sleep, or my room.  Then, I got a call asking me to be at the county office in an hour with all their stuff.  They found a new family, and they could remain together.  It was a whole new crazy experience with all that because I had to meet with the new family, the respite family had to have a turn as well, and I had to supervise a visit with each parent while we waited.  Then we introduced the new family, played a little and it was time to make the switch.  It was easier on the kids than I thought it would be, but they were more happy to know that they were together again.  They missed each other and enjoyed being back together.  They were told of some fun toys that they were looking forward to going to play with, so that was another plus for them. 
What really bothers me about this whole experience is the negativity about our sleeping arrangements, and the lack of trust in me that I could still keep them safe at night sharing a room by having monitors.  But yet they go to a family that put the youngest in a car seat that was expired.  They put the 4 yr old boy (who was only 31 lbs) into a backless booster with no cover or anything.  Plain plastic seat.  And then the 5 yr old (who is only 30lbs and 40 inches) was put into a regular seat in the car, with only a lap belt.  Our state law is 8 yrs to remain a booster, and it's recommended up to 4'9 or sitting in proper guidelines.  I just moved Kristopher that way because of his height and a booster actually positioned his seat belt in a way that it would not protect him as good as just sitting on the seat like we do.  And he's 4'7.  But anyway, I love how I was a risk, but it's ok to travel over an hour away in that type of set up.  The child welfare system sucks around here, and it's got me really disturbed today. 
I miss them, and the craziness that they brought.  But I'm glad they will remain together, and will be able to get all the services they are going to need.  And best of all, they are away from this town where we had a risk of running into parents or grandparents every time we went out.  We will chalk it up to another learning experience, and remember the good times they were with us.  As hard as it was to watch them leave, I still know without a doubt, that I want to continue doing this.  The way the kids trusted me and knew they were safe, was a good feeling.  I may have been a stranger, but they quickly learned that they were safe here, and they could depend on us.  I hope they have lasting memories of their time here.  I know we will always remember them.

And, as soon as our agency knew that these kids were leaving, they contacted the other county about the girls we've been waiting for since the beginning of July.  They are still waiting for us.  So, this weekend we are having another meeting to go over visitation schedules, their day to day schedules, school needs, etc.  Court for them is September 10th and they are looking to place them by that point.  Maybe sooner.  It's a start.  I think we may still end up with them. Which would be the best possible placement at this point because the kids already bonded and got along great, and we had a connection as well.  Plus, they are potentially adoptable.  So I'm still going to believe that things happen for a reason, and we will see how it all turns out.

Placement

Our girly placement is on hold.  They are taking forever to decide what they want to do.  In the meantime, we were asked to take 3 emergency kids last week.  They came from a very bad situation and we were the only chance to keep them together for the next 10-30 days.  They are 2, 4 and almost 5.  Never any rules and no boundaries.  It's been crazy here to say the least.  We go to court next Monday to see if their parents improved their conditions and if so they will get to go back.  If not, they will start to introduce a few families to see which has the best match with them.  So at the very latest, they will go back early September.  As cute as they are, I'm beyond my limits.  I'm still babysitting so I now have 6 under 5, and one almost 8 yr old that is highly annoyed by the constant craziness. 
Oh and to top it off, once we agreed to take them, the other caseworker decided the girls could come with us, and now we're waiting.  Hopefully they wait the 30 days, and we get them.  We really bonded and they got along very well with Kristopher.  If not, we will probably be waiting for a while again....
Better go..May not be posting much the next few days.  It's nuts here.

Broken record

I wonder how long that expression will make any sense? 

But that is what I feel like.  I sat here trying to figure out a different way to title this post with the reason.  We're still waiting for answers.  STILL.  This is the 6th week.  It's seriously getting insane. 
We had 2 visits with the kids.  We are sure that we are ready for them, and that we could handle their needs.  They get along great with Kristopher, and the home visit went very well.  They fit right in and acted like this was home.  Responded to requests, calmed down when asked, and helped put stuff away like it was all part of their regular routine.  All 3 were highly upset when the visit was up, and it leaves Kristopher sitting here confused.  We have included him and shared as much info as we can with him to help him understand what is going on.  I think when they showed up though, he assumed they were not leaving anytime soon. 
As of last Wednesday's meeting, we were told answers would be made on Friday at the attorney meeting.  Something went wrong, and there was some issues, so the meeting was cut short.  They met again today.  There was another request for one more home visit.  We waited on standby all day for a time. At the end of the day, we got another email update that the meeting took place and the supervisor is waiting for the attorney to respond with a time that works for meeting again.  It had to be today or tomorrow. 
Wednesday is court.  Wednesday is when they will decide for sure, where these kids are being placed, so that the move can take place this weekend.  No matter where they go, they are being moved this weekend so they have the remaining 2 weeks of summer vacation to settle in at the new home, and prepare for school to start.  Since the meeting is Wednesday, I guess it will be Thursday till I actually hear what is going on for our end of things.

The connection we all felt with the girls makes me want to think that it will work out.  They fit well with our family, and we would not have to change our lifestyle much.  Obviously going from 1 to 3 is going to be an adjustment, and going away, doing stuff, etc will take a little more planning.  But, they are active, they are open to our activities, and they are high energy kids.  They will fit right in.  We opened our home to the sister, were more than fair with visitation and involvement.  The county workers all like us, our agency feels it's a great placement, and the county supervisor wants them here.  But somehow, the sister is still holding back.  I'm honestly  not sure what the issues were at the last meeting.  No one tells me what is causing all these delays. I don't even think our caseworker knows.  Something is being left out and it makes me feel uneasy.

My gut feeling says that this is not going to work out.  That we have been strung along for the past 6 weeks, and they are not going to choose us.  Which really makes me mad in so many ways.  Not only for the time lost, and the false hope where I was stupid and bought some girly stuff.  But for the fact that the kids were all involved, met several times, had discussed coming here, and plans we have for the fall.  They want to be here.  We want them to be here.  They can't stay where they are.  It seems so simple but yet annoyingly held back. 

I'm suppose to get more updates tomorrow.  If they actually follow through and show up for another meeting, then I'll assume we're #1 choice.  I guess I should pry for some real answers.  This whole process has cost a lot of time and money in preparing.  And I can't help but wonder how many cases we lost out on, how many kids got split up and seperated, all because we're in limbo with these who are not really an emergency type of case.

So yes....We are still waiting.  And I'm sure I'll still be waiting for the rest of the week.  It's beginning to be like some sick joke.

Birthday Time!

I know a lot of people who aren't pet owners will think I'm nuts.  But we celebrate doggy birthday's in this house.  When Zoey was a baby, we had found doggy 1st birthday invites at petsmart, and I actually got them and invited a few of our family.  Those who actually care about animals obviously.  Every year while she was healthy, we would give her a treat of cake or cupcake, and she got presents that were wrapped.  She know the word "present" well, and was like a child bouncing all around when she heard it.  As she got older, the cake had to stop, but she always got something and we made a big deal about celebrating. 
So, with the puppies, I wanted to continue the tradition.  But with them, I've added steak as a treat, and obviously still with the cupcakes and presents.  Roxie is the first with a birthday, and is officially one year old.  Her birthday was yesterday.  My parents make a big deal out if it, so we had them over for a cook out on Saturday evening.  As usual, the dogs were beside the table begging (even though we never give handouts) and when it came time to give them a bite of steak, they about fell over from shock.  They were so surprised by the handout, that neither one even bothered to chew it.  I got mini cupcakes, and they each had one, and they wore party hats.  For a whole minute till they shook them off and decided it was time to retaliate against the evil hates, and rip them to shreds.  I wasn't able to get a picture of the 2 of them with the party hats, but I posted a few pics below that I found cute.
I will say this, now that she's a year old and pretty much done growing in size, she is half the size that Zoey was.  By a year old, Zoey was at least 40-45lbs.  At her biggest, she was around 62.  But that was semi overweight, and obviously not good for her.  Healthy, 45 was her good weight.  Roxie is 22lbs.  Tiny little thing, which is really nice with my moose Marley.  Roxie sleeps in bed between our feet, and is feisty and wild.  I think it's a small dog thing.  She's a lot like Zoey, but also her own totally different, unpredictable burst of craziness.  Now for the pictures.  I think the one of Kristopher and Roxie is really hilarious.  She will lay that with with anyone, truly believing that she is a baby.  The picture of Zoey on the sidebar will show you the size difference.

We met them

We had our meeting on Monday and are still waiting to find out if it's a for sure thing.  We live 2 hours from them, and the adult sister wants to keep in contact.  She is not 100% on board because of how far we are, and she does not drive much. 
Yesterday we discussed our view and our options with the agency, and a contact order was sent to the other county and to be presented to the sister.  If she accepts our terms, it's just a few more weeks of waiting till we can get them here. 
The kids....
We feel that their "issues" are way within what we can handle, and since we support each other, neither of us should become too overwhelmed.  A lot of those said issues appear to be all because of their lifestyle and lack of proper parenting.  Obviously we will have an adjustment period, but I'm going to keep the therapy schedule going the way we need it to, and if we need more, that's why I'm a stay at home mother.  I am available to do whatever it takes. 
We took Kristopher along, and all 3 got along amazingly.  The girls are advanced, and that helps a lot for him to have someone to play with that can relate instead of so much babyish behavior that he sees day to day with me babysitting.  All 3 were upset when our 2 hour meeting had ended. 
Based on the meeting, and reading the psych reports on each child, I feel that I can do this and am 100% committed to long term with them.  They are high chance of this being an adoptive case after a year of good progress.  This is what we want and would be working to get.  The only set back in the picture is the involvement of the older sister, who wants to keep in contact.  Which I understand, and we are willing to some extent, but not to the frequency of what she is asking. 
Next meeting will be on the 1st, where we've invited them to come up for a cookout, to see our home, and for me to take them on a mini tour of the area (all to make the sister comfortable) and they will get to see the school they would be going to.  After that, Aug. 3rd the lawyers meet to decide.  School starts on August 27th, so we're looking to get them here, and semi settled into a new routine with 2-3 weeks to spare before school starts.  I really really reallllly want this case to work out.  I feel very strongly about this, and feel this is the reason we were brought forward to do this whole process.  And the fact we've invested the last pretty much month into planning and trying to get meetings in order, I hope that it is a good sign.  As usual, the wait just sucks.  I do not do well with this waiting game.  I don't know how much I can plan for, or prepare without rushing around all crazy when they do get here.  I did sneak a few girly clothes in, and hope that they get to use them.  If not, and we don't end up with girly placement later, I can pass the stuff down to the one I babysit, so it's not all a waste.  I just really hope that it all works out and we can get them.  I'm constantly thinking and hoping that the sister realizes it's in the best interest, and says she's ok with this.....

Finally a meeting

This whole process has been crazy.  It seems that what we're dealing with is not the typical case.  By now, I should be use to that.  Nothing about any of this family is "typical case". 

Monday we meet with the girls and their older sister who is currently taking care of them.  If the meeting goes well, next week will be about planning a move.  Sooner the better from what I am told. 
So at least we have a meeting planned.  It's one step forward.

Waiting...to wait some more

I should be use to this.  Its a very trying time.  Waiting, just to wait some more.  We're still on hold with the girls.  Court is probably being delayed again while we work out visitation plans, and all the what ifs.  We definitely want to meet them first, and their caseworkers and therapists want the same so that this can be an easier transition for everyone.  I understand the reasoning, but it's so hard to plan anything at this point.  We can't even make weekend plans yet because we don't know if they will come, have a really bad adjustment period and not be able to go out and do some of our plans.
I believe everything happens for a reason, and I'm trying to remind myself that there IS a reason this is happening, but I'm so impatient.

I also miss our respite girl.  I keep thinking about her and how her life is going to change yet again.  The family she is placed with, is only a short term place.  I feel bad for her because she has bonded already.  I wish I could help but I am pretty sure her needs are way out of my area of help. 

I'm mixed on what I should do about babysitting as well.  We could have scheduled to go see the girls tomorrow, but babysitting kind of screwed that up.  Tuesday's are not really possible to find back up help.  Not on a few hours notice anyway.  And I also do not have a sitter for my own tomorrow, so we had to say it wasn't an option.  If I do get this placement, when school starts up I'm going to need to find other help for either helping get mine to school, or to sit here while I pick mine up.  I am trying to decide if the effort is worth it.  I'll miss them, but it's been stressful lately.  I also have issues with being home alone for long periods of time.  The first week or 2 of it would be ok, but I can only clean so much before I'm just sitting here bored.  I need to get some hobbies again. 

And on another interesting note.  My period was here June 5th.  About 11 days later, I swear I had ovulation signs.  I was really sure it was happening, and I had planned to just avoid during that time, but we didn't.  I have not started yet.  I highly doubt I could possibly be pregnant, but there is always that little voice in my head that makes me question being late.  I will chalk my possible obsession type symptoms up to the heat and stress.  I figured if I mention it, maybe it will start like it has all those other times.  If not, I might break down and buy a test or 2 this weekend.  Or maybe wait another week.  I really doubt I'm late for any real reason other than stress and typical pcos games. 

I will try to sleep now.  Hopefully I get some answers with tomorrow's update phone calls.....

How to screw up...

Any potential placements?  I know I know!  Lets blog about it! 
I've determined that if I blog about a possible case that we will get, it will not happen.  Our meeting tonight is canceled because the kids older sister, who currently has custody, is uneasy about how far away they will be.  We live 2 hrs away.  So, no news or updates till Monday at some point.  It sounds like this is not going to work out.....

What's been going on here

Wow!  Summer is really flying by again. 
Last Monday we got our first placement.  She's short term respite care.  She's 14 with some big delays and MR diagnosis so it's been a whole new experience.  We really were not prepared enough for this, and were not given enough info which has made it all a lot harder.  She is definitely more at the mind set of a 5 yr old.  She will sit and play with the kids, loves to do puzzles and to color.  She has not bonded with me in any way, and gets very nervous when I try to include her in what I'm doing, or try to talk to her.  It's been getting a little bit better, but it's pretty frustrating.  She has a lot of nervous habits that start when she is stressed or upset, and always gets that way when I try to interact.  But yet, she will follow me everywhere as I try to get stuff done.  She has been overwhelming to the little kids, but her and Kristopher have hit it off pretty well.  And she is very quickly attached to my husband.  Also is not thrilled with the dogs, but has started to come around and occasionally will play with them. 
Our time was only for 10 days, so tomorrow morning she will be going back to her regular foster family.  I can honestly say that I'm ready for that to happen, and the age and needs are a little more than I was prepared to deal with. 
In the time that she has been with us, I have had to have "the talk" with her.  No one has ever really helped her to understand her period, and they have said she is pretty irregular.  Luckily for her, I have lots of experience with that stuff.  So one evening as she kindly announced to everyone (we had my parents over for dinner) that her "friend" was coming and she needs to put on a pad just in case it's early, I told her we will talk about it in private.  I had a little chat about how that should be a little more private, but not to be embarrassed about it, and that she can talk to people if she needs to and just explained that usually that should be a between girls type of subject.  And that I would be happy to answer any questions as long as it's in private, meaning not in front of Kristopher or a bunch of guests.  We did have the talk later, and she said that her foster mom said that she should prepare for it to arrive on the 8th, but has yet to show up as far as I'm being told.  I am actually hoping at this point that it holds off till she's home because I'm kinda scared going from one child, who is a boy, to all of a sudden dealing with periods in a week! 
We also had an experience with braces.  She has a habit of chewing her fingers, and picking at the braces.  One evening she was back reading and came out upset saying she broke a wire.  Of course, it was on the weekend, and so late that no way we could get somewhere to have it fixed that night.  I got to experience calling the on call person with the agency, and then spent most of Monday morning trying to locate where she goes, how to handle this, and finally got an afternoon appt.  To all of our surprise, they decided to just remove the braces that day.  She was beyond excited. 
So lots of changes and experiences in the past 9 days, and such a learning experience for us. 
Tomorrow morning she goes home, and then tomorrow evening we meet with another set of kids.  They think that they've found "our" kids and we will have long term, potential adoption placement!!  They are 2 girls, ages 6 and going on 8.  Mixed race, mild behavior issues and in therapy due to being in the system for a while.  I probably shouldn't go into their history on here, publicly, but I will just say that this could work out that if placement goes well, by this point next year we may be talking adoption instead of fostering.  They have to be with us a minimum of 6 months before they will look into that.  Tomorrow night we will be meeting with their therapists, caseworkers and the girls themselves, to see how we click and if it's a situation that could work for us.  I am getting pretty excited, but crazy nervous about all this.  If we decide it's what we want to do, we're expected to appear before the judge at their court hearing next Wednesday, and if the judge agrees to the removal and placement with us, we will come home as a family of 5.  (Girls are in the care of older sister at the moment, and the sister is voluntarily giving them up because she's too young to do all this on her own.)
And to end this long novel, I'll add that Kristopher has adjusted amazingly to this craziness at the moment and his therapist was very pleased with his progress at his appt this morning.  She said he's a lot more positive and confident and she feels we have done an awesome job with preparing him and helping him adjust to the changes.  And he absolutely loves having someone to play games with, color and just sit and play.  This is what he needed, and I hope that he and the girls will hit it off and continue to thrive on all the change. 
So with my next update, I hope to have lots of good news. 

Long overdue updates

I'm not sure if anyone really checks in here anymore.  The stat checker has crapped out, and I don't feel like setting it up again.  I've neglect this blog for a while now, but have a ton on my mind tonight so I guess it's time to unload it all. 

Kristopher.  He is out of school for the summer.  Past 1st grade with no problems.  Spring testing came back saying that his reading and comprehension was near a 4th grade level, math was near end of 4th grade level.  He can now tell time on a regular clock, passed basic math facts all the way up to 4th grade division.  I'm not sure what exactly they will work on next year, but I've already gotten lots of plans for talks with teachers.  We had some big anxiety issues near the end of the school year, and lack of sleep again.  It got really bad for a while.  I mean really bad.  He would cry and make himself sick from the worry for hours.  Bedtime would start between 7:30 and 8, and he wouldn't stop the questions and tears and crapping till about 11-11:30 some nights.  It was brutal.  Then, one day out of shear frustration, I offered him $2 if he would go to bed without whining or crying, and without getting up to keep trying to poop when he clearly did not have to.  He went straight to bed without a sound.  Next night, we started a sticker chart and things were going pretty good for a while.  Last week we had a few issues, but back to sticking to a good reward system with stickers and cashing in charts for prizes, and I think we're good.  He takes 5mg melatonin to go to bed, and has started sleeping in a little later.  Today he woke up at 8am and is way more rested than before.  It's great. 
Summer has been kind of boring so far.  I wanted to get him involved in swimming lessons, but they are held at 11am daily.  Taking 4 kids to the pool when 3 of those kids can't join in, is not a fun adventure, so we skipped it.  I'm going to sign him up for a YMCA program in the fall and hopefully continue it all winter long.  So far, the only weekly event we've been doing has been the summer movie thing.   A lot of local theaters have $1 days, where we can see fairly new but already out on DVD movies.  The little kids went to see their first movie last week and had a blast.  We saw dolphin tale.  It was a cute movie.  This week is yogi bear.

Fostering.  No placement yet.  We were actually going to do a short term respite care thing for 10 days with a 14 yr old girl.  She has some delays, and is more like the mentality of a 9 yr old.  Should be an interesting experience, but from what they told me about her from her file, she seems like a fairly easy to get along with kid.  And since we've never parented a 14 yr old before, and I'm surrounded by younger kids all the time, I think her delays really won't be that big of a deal for me.  It's from July 2-12th.  I was also told that there are a few pregnant mom's who have had their previous children removed from the homes.  In most cases, when the child has been removed and rights taken away and child adopted, they do not get another chance with new babies.  So, in a few months there might be a few babies added to the system, and we might get a call with a short notice to go to the hospital for a pick up.  Kind of scary, but also kinda really cool.  Secretly, I'm hoping to get a baby call.  I'm so mixed.  Most cases like that, they are adoptable within 6 months....

Another new thing that has happened was we had to get a new car.  We now have a GMC Acadia.  Love it.  So much easier to haul around all the kids, and more room than our explorer had.  And, safety features out the butt so my insurance actually dropped. 

Well, that's most of it in a nutshell.  I have some cool pics to post when I have more time.  For now, I think I'm going to go to bed early and enjoy a nice cool sleeping night.  It's been way too hot lately and tonight we have decent temps.  Great sleeping with the window's open kind of night. 

No news this week

Well, apparently we won't be getting a call each week.  I know the week is not over yet, but I'm pretty sure the Children and Youth Court hearings are up for the week.  And we did not receive a call.  So maybe some of these deadbeat parents are trying a little harder. 

The wait is harder than I thought it would be.  I think it's the uncertainty of all of it.  We have no idea when, or what will come our way.  And when we do find out, we have pretty much less than 24 hours to prepare.  Did I mention, that when they tell us about a child, they really don't know much.  They don't know sizes or anything, and these kids come with just the clothes on their backs.  I'm debating hitting up some yard sales and stocking up on various sizes of stuff in totes in our garage if I find some mega cheap deals.  And I'm saving everything Kristopher outgrows.  If I get some stuff and it turns out we don't end up needing that size, or gender, I can pass it down to someone else.  At least that way, I'll feel a little prepared. 

The anxiety stuff is getting a little bit better with Kristopher.  We've started a chart for all the kids here, with the except of the baby obviously.  Because of the chart, K now goes to bed at night without drama.  And the 2 yr old I watch, is showing super interest in potty training.  We're still doing weekly therapy, and finally starting to feel like it's making a turn around.  I really hope that's the case. 

Also another weird experience to note about.  Last night I swear that I was visited by Zoey.  I was sitting up late as usual, and I started smelling her.  She had this old dog smell.  No matter how often I bathed her, it always came back in a few days.  It's a hard smell to describe, but any of you that have had old animals have probably experienced what I mean.  But it was clearly a smell that nothing else here has.  The puppies do not have it, the blanket she used has long since lost the scent.  The carpet has been cleaned many times so I truly have no idea how that could have been in here, without it being a sign that she was around.  I spent close to an hour trying to find what may have had that smell on it in the room, that was making me smell it.  When I left the room for a while, and came back thru the hallway, it was outside of Kristopher's door.  When I came back out, about 5 mins later the smell was back and I felt really warm.  It was very interesting, and makes me miss her so much.  I spent some time this morning looking back at pictures from this point last year, and it's so hard to understand how we came to this point.  I do love these puppies like crazy, and I no longer think that I would give them up to have her back....I just wish that we had way more time with our pets.  No one understands that, unless they are a true animal lover and their pets are more than just pets. 
And also, looking at those pictures, I truly believe a lot of Kristopher's problems now are due to the loss of her.  The look he had in his eyes last year, and the look now, is so different.  Now he has so much hurt and looks so much older.  It's not that he just got older, it's that he was forced to deal with stuff that he shouldn't have to yet.  And while people keep telling me to remind him that "it was just a dog", I refuse to do that.  Because to him, that was his sister.  To me, she was my baby.  And I refuse to sit here and let my child feel like he's wrong for still being upset and for still hurting about this.  It will take time, and there's no easy way to help him.  He's at the point now that he won't bring her up unless we do.  Because he's afraid of what people may say. 
But the point of that is to say that I'm very sure she is still around, and last night she knew I needed to feel her and she made it known.  And I'm very grateful for that. 

Another false alarm

Judge ruled to keep the family together.  So, it was another false alarm.  Looking back to when I said that this would be so much easier than the ttc round, and the waiting, boy was I WRONG.  This can really do a number on my nerves. 
At least the family was kept together.  They were going to be spliting a sibling group of 4 if the parents lost them.  I'm glad they can stay together.  And hope that the parents realize how lucky they are, and do a better job. 
I'm also told that it's been busier lately with calls, and a few more big court dates coming up, so we will probably hear something else in the next week or 2.  We're definitely looking really good on paper apparently because for this particular case, we were first choice.  "no pressure, but we really want you for this set.   You are our first choice."  Makes me feel good, but also scares me. 

For now, I'm completely exhausted from 24 hours of wondering, and I'm going to go crash. 

Might have placement

Got another call last night.  Court is in an hour, and then we will know for sure.  This is for 2 boys, closer in age to Kristopher.  I wasn't expecting them to call so soon again, or to have 2, but we talked it over and are ready to accept if it comes to that.  I'll update more later, but no update probably means they are here and things are overwhelmingly busy.  Yikes!!

Anxiety Sucks!!

Recently an old friend posted on Facebook posted this:
"add, adhd, anxiety, and depression are all fictitious ailments perpetrated by the government to make you think you're not "normal" and buy THEIR medications so they can get rich off of you meanwhile you're popping all kinds of harmful pills that's destroying your body and your individuality. EVERYONE worries sometimes, EVERYONE gets sad sometimes, EVERYONE loses focus sometimes." 
The rest of what was said is way too inappropriate for me to share on here.  But lets just say, I'm furious by this.  We have been struggling with some severe anxiety with Kristopher for going on a year now.  The past month or so has been out of control bad with it, and we're struggling to cope without feeling like we're traumatizing him or hurting him in some way. 
I DO NOT want to medicate.  He's so young, and I feel that with proper therapy, we can push through this and help him learn to cope without medication.  But, we're very close to that step. 
He currently sees a child psychologist who does play therapy.  She's been really awesome this past year with tips and amazing support as we struggle with how to parent and deal with him in a positive way.  But, we're getting close to the point of her not being able to help.  The tips she's given us, he's not willing to listen to anymore.  He gets himself so upset, and is making himself physically ill on a nightly basis.  We have started giving melatonin for bed, and while it does shorten our episodes, he still goes to bed every night extremely upset and it takes being hard on him and refusing to talk about it anymore, to get him to stay in his bed and go to sleep.  Most nights, he falls asleep crying.  The next step will be if we can't gain some form of control and help him get past this, that he will be sent to a psychiatrist.  He will get a total mental work up, and labeled as clinical anxiety.  And put on an antidepressant.  At 7 years old.  SEVEN. 
Ever since our stomach flu incident about 6 weeks ago, he's struggled with bedtime.  He has a major fear of getting sick, and assumes that every growl or weird feeling in his stomach means he has to crap, so he's going at least 6-10 times in the evenings, and then worries when he tries and can't go, that he will vomit in his sleep, or have an accident.  He also has decided he doesn't want to sleep alone anymore.  We tried cosleeping when he was a baby.  He didn't do well with it.  He slept so much better on his own, in his own bed/area and with no distractions or hearing anyone else getting up.  It still continues.  If he has a sleepover, he sleeps horrible because of the other person.  He loves it, but he hears everything, stays up way too late because of excitement, then gets up way too early because he hears someone else get up to use the bathroom, or cough, or anything really.  He's been sleeping alone for the past 7 and half years.  I'm not starting it now.

And with his anxiety, he can shut it off.  He doesn't have any issues at all at school.  Both myself, and the therapist have been talking to the school, and they act like we're confused on what kid we're dealing with.  He can completely shut it off with other people.  He doesn't do this when he spends the night with my parents.  He doesn't do it if we have someone sleep over.  If we go camping, totally fine.  But get him anywhere near bedtime here, and it all goes crazy. He is so sleep deprived and emotional lately.  I feel terrible when he goes to bed upset, but this kid can talk and talk for hours to try to reason with us on why he should be allowed to sleep somewhere else. 

But anyway, this status thing this morning sent me over the edge.  I do agree to some extent that everyone is very quick to jump to diagnosis, and once the school has to deal with it at all, they want to shove medication into the loop.  But, to some people, these issues are very much there, and no amount of talking or therapy can help.  To sit there and say that it's all made up, is the biggest load of crap I have ever heard.  I hope that he never has a child that has to go through this, or marries someone who is going through it and has to witness how hard it truly can be.  What we're dealing with is very real.  It's very hard to deal with and to keep a positive mindset.  I wish that there was a magical switch that could change it, and allow my child to be a normal kid.  That we could go back to normal stress free bedtime, and everyone could get proper sleep.  But this is our life for now, and we will continue to fight it and push through.  And I dare someone to actually say that it's all made up and fake, to my face.  They will live to regret it.

Practice

Last week we had a practice call from the agency.  It was not actually a practice.  It was a real call, witha  real kid that needed placement.
I was told that there was a child being removed from the mother because of drug abuse.  Family was not able to be located/contacted, so placement was needed for that evening.  It was almost 4pm and I was asked to pick the child up between 4:30 and 5 that day.  It was an instant panic in my mind because we have kind of let ourselves believe this will take a lot longer since we're looking for younger than Kristopher.  So, the room is not ready.  I haven't painted, or done the repairs I had hoped to do.  Which really, it's fine as is, because Kristopher used it that way for the entire time we lived here.  I just want it to look better.  Lighter walls, nicer ceiling, etc.  And all I have is a futon mattress.  The frame broke prior to our last move, and I never replaced it.  I didn't buy a frame because I really can't prepare all that well not knowing how many we are going to get, ages/boy/girl/etc.  If we get sibling placement and they tiny kids, I will just do toddler beds initially.  Anyway, back to the call.
While I'm freaking out mentally, she's explaining a few things.  She said to call my husband and then call her back in 5 mins.  They need an answer that fast.  Then said "oh the caseworker is calling. I'll just call you back when I finish.  I'll see what other info I can find out."  The only info I was given was the child was a boy, his age, and why he was being taken.  They didn't know race, what for problems he may have, or anything else. 
So I called my husband.  He said yes, and I waited for the call back.  A little over 5 mins passed, and she called back saying that the caseworker had located family and they want the child, so placement was not needed after all.  Then she laughed about how good of a practice run that was, and complimented on how easily it was to get ahold of me, how impressed they were with our fast thinking and fast answers, given the fact we weren't given very much info. 
In this child's case, it would have been a short stay.  It really could have been just a day or 2 till extended family was found and was given a chance to take the kid in.  And the  mother probably would not lose the child in this case either.  Unless she refused to follow the guidelines to get him back. 
The program we're trying to get connected with is a fast tract thing.  The parent loses the child, and then gets a strict guideline to follow.  In that time, they get frequent visitations, at a neutral location, with the caseworker.  They have to follow their rules, (get rehab, get a job, get a stable home) whatever has caused them to lose their child must be met.  If they do not follow that within the certain amount of timeframe, the judge will terminate all rights, and we have the chance to adopt. 
I like the idea of this program because it's not like we'd be holding on for years and then lose the child years from now.  It will be a pretty quick process.  Either the child is back with parents in a couple months-not much over 6 months, or we get the option to adopt.

So, that was only a week and half after our finalizing meeting.  I have this gut feeling that we will hear something more in the next few weeks.  I really feel we will have placement before mid summer.  So it's been enough to wake me up and realize how real this is.  Time to get my butt in gear and get the room more prepared. 

We are IN

Yesterday, we met with the agency and our application and home study is finalized.  We are certified and accepted, and will renew in May 2013.  Based on our review, they have us listed as allowed up to 2 children, with an age range of 0-7 yrs old.  The home study review that goes out there to all the caseworkers and what not, is amazingly written.  It makes us sound way better than I could have imagined.  At this point, we are in a wait game.  We could get a call today, or not for a few months.  It may take even longer.  Either way, we are in and there's nothing left to do till the call comes. 
They will check in with us every 2 weeks with updates on the searches.  For now, things are kind of slow in the system, but they claim everytime they make that comment, it turns into an overwhelming rush of calls and not enough placement options. 
Really, there's not much planning I can do.  I want to get a new dresser for in that room, and still want to paint and do some updates.  We were going to redo the floor, but since we waited too long, I don't want to start that project just in case.  It takes a few weeks to be ready for furniture and a kid to be in there, so we can't risk that just yet.  I think eventually I'll remove the carpet and just do the fake wood flooring.  At least that is something we could do in a day if we decide to.  My weekend plan is to sand and paint, and then shampoo the carpet. 
I also want to get a nice wooden futon since we have no clue an age yet.  With a futon, it's low enough that if the child is younger, it would work for a little, and if it's an older kid near K's age, it will work for them too.  I have a pack n play and access to a crib or toddler bed as needed.  Once we know ages/how many, I can do more.  And a futon at that point can be moved to my room for whatever.  I'm sure the dogs would enjoy a bed like that too.  haha

So that's our application update.  Now it's wait and see.  This part seems easier to me than the waiting for approval.  Big relief.