A new journey

I'm considering changing my blog. I need an outlet and I'm not really feeling up to managing 2 blogs. So this might become mixed with a lot of our new journey with K. I haven't really brought up his issues that much on here because originally I started this blog to be about the study and IF stuff. Most of the people who read this are also infertile so I didn't find it appropriate to bring up child related issues on here. But like I said, I don't feel like managing 2 so maybe I'll just make it a total mix of life now. For today, this post is about Kristopher.
This morning I had an appt with a child psychologist because of behavior related problems I've been having with K. We talked on the phone last week for about 15 mins and she felt that it was best to get him seen and evaluated now, rather than waiting until 6 when the school district normally allows it and have him get a bad start to school. I went in hoping that I'd just be told I am over reacting, and that he is just a normal going on 5 yr old boy. I came out finding out that he most likely has a moderate to slightly severe case of Oppositional Defiant Disorder, as well as possibly a mild to moderate case of ADD. When we talked about it, he really hits a lot of the guidelines. And it just started around 4yrs old. Before that he's been the perfect baby/toddler, without any issues or concerns. And he's always been advanced with all he's done. So there was no signs of a problem before recently. I feel lately like I've done something wrong. I gave up a lot to be a stay at home mom, because at the time I thought that was the best bet for us. He was never sick at all till around 3 yrs old when he started being around a lot more kids and activities. He has always been fast to learn things and way advanced with what he does. But now I wonder if maybe I should have continued to work and had him around kids and other authority figures from the start. Maybe that would have helped. I don't want him to be pushed away by other kids, or to be made fun of. He absolutely loves school and to learn, and I don't want for school to be difficult and upsetting to him. I don't want him to resent it. So we're going to work on this issue now rather than waiting. And hopefully we can get the old K to come back.
Next week my husband and I are suppose to be going back without K along, and sit down and discuss what she thinks will help. What's being planned is a more strict behavior plan and advice on how to keep him structured. Also, she said we need to try a lot harder to get him around other kids and interacting as much as possible. I'll get a ton of advice in the next appt.
For now though, I feel like I'm going to have a tough road ahead of me. I know how the schools like to label and push the "trouble kids" aside, and I am going to fight to make sure he is treated like any normal child. He will have the same options and not be made feel like he is different. And if this behavior thing works well, there will not be a need to ever medicate and mess him up more.
I haven't had my meltdown yet, but I'm sure when I tell my husband all about my appt when he gets home tonight, it will hit me. For now, I'm ready to fight the world if they try to interfere with this boy.

Berries!

One of my favorite parts of summer. Fresh blueberries, strawberries and raspberries, right from our garden. The container was full earlier today, but well, they are a little hard to resist. K kept getting into them any chance he had. LOVE fresh berries!
Today was my last day of meds. Surprisingly, the headache wasn't quite as bad this round. Not a lot of side effects at all. I hope that's not a bad sign. It's day 7, so by the end of the week "homework" starts. I hope this works. I go back on July 13th. Other than that info, not much exciting on ttc here.
Tomorrow is the big appt for K. I'm kinda nervous what she has to say. Thoughts will be appreciated tomorrow morning. Hopefully she just says he's testing his bounderies, and don't showing signs of ADHD or something along those lines. I'll update more about that one tomorrow.

And on to a new week

We're having a semi quiet evening tonight. My mom took K and went to visit my grandma and have been gone for about 2 hrs now. Quiet house on a rainy Sunday evening really makes me sleepy. But I'll feel worse if I fall asleep now and get woke up in a few mins. So, I'll catch up.
Last night we went to the drive-in to see the new Transformers movie. I know it's PG13, but decided since K likes them, and the first movie went over ok with him, that we would take him along. Definitely NOT 4 yr old friendly. He still had fun and ate a ton of popcorn and fell asleep a little past half way through. We liked the movie though. Better than the first.
I'm ready for this new week. Tomorrow will be my last day of meds, and hopefully on the stretch to things happening by this point next week. I haven't really been posting as much because I feel burnt out still, and everything I have wanted to talk about, really doesn't apply to why I started this blog to begin with. And I've been spending A LOT of time outside.
I'm sure as the twinges and craziness starts, I'll be posting a lot more.

So, the plans for this week is to continue with the busy schedule. Lots that I have on my little list for the week.
Tuesday morning K has an appt with a child psychiatrist. We've started having a lot of behavior and anger issues. My mom works with a lot of early intervention type people, and she has me thinking that something may be wrong. It's probably just ADHD, but obviously I'd perfer for them to say he's just a strong willed 4 yr old who is just acting out due to age. And I've already said to them that if it turns out that he does have ADHD, then I will not be medicating. I just need to have some ideas on ways to help with keeping him focused and less anger. We decided based on his temper and hyperness, to hold off on Kindergarten this year. One step at a time. So this will be best for him to get it figured out now, get a behavior plan in effect, and then school should be a breeze. But I've gone off subject again...
Thursday I'm babysitting for a friend. Her little girl is 9 months old and I'm watching her because they have their "big u/s" for #2. I opted to keep the baby for the day so that will be fun at least. I always welcome some baby time :) She's at such a fun age too.
And one of these days I'm attempting to make tab top curtains. That will come with pictures if it works out well.

It starts

First of all, I can not believe it is almost July. Time is going so fast. Almost b-day party planning time for a certain wild child. I'm in denial that he is going to be 5 this year. I want to do a bigger party this year because last year was immediate family only and we left on vacation after. He spent his actual birthday in the car on the long drive back. So going to start planning earlier this year and make it be a big party.
I should probably start planning at the end of July. And we will have a beach trip in there somewhere too. And soccer starts. Ahhh..not enough time....

So today is day 3 already. I didn't feel that great when I woke up and had a difficult time choking down those 2 monsterous pills. If there is a next round, I think I'm switching it to taking in the evening. I woke up with a headache so I'm sure it will keep it here for the next few days.

I've been busy getting little projects done that I've been putting off. I've rediscovered my sewing machine and made a few baby related things for my friend who's due next month. It was addictive and I know when I am able to make for a baby of my own, we are going to have entirely too many diaper covers, slings, blankets, etc. Next project with the machine is going to be curtains. It might get out of hand & the whole house might get new. I want to do at least the kitchen, livingroom and K's room.

I've also been able to focus a little more on healthier eating with it being summer. We have lots of strawberries and raspberries here and that's been snacks lately. I'm down 3lbs from last week as of Monday, and hopefully more by next. Healthier eating, so much water lately, and been way more active than normal. I figure if I keep at this, maybe I'll have a better chance of all this working eventually. Or at least look better for our vacation. I guess I've just hit a turning point.

Still around

I know I suck at posting lately. I just have a lot of negative thoughts and not much good to talk about so I'm avoiding it. I just went for my blood work to confirm that I'm not pregnant this round. I went to a lab at a health center close to home. Much better than the 2 hr drive at 6am just for a 2 min blood draw. I even took K along and we stopped for a break at the playground after. The nurse there was really nice too and is keeping everything on file so I can come back and do this every round. Works out great.

So cycle wise, I'm guessing today is day 1. I've had spotting since Saturday, but nothing to count as real. Now today I have a lot of cramping to go along with it, and it's kinda regular and heavier, but still not the bright red that I've always been told to wait for. Study nurse says count today as the start so I guess that will be it. I know for sure based on this start that nothing at all happened last round. This is actually my normal and I do not miss it at all! Bring back the surprise start and quick period please. At least I'm done with the provera since things are here. That had it's wonderfulness like always. So, plan is to start meds on Thursday (3-7 again) and up to 2 pills each day this round. I don't care if it makes me respond double, I just want a real good month with no freaking issues to cause problems. Just one perfect cycle please!

Better evening...

I have a new reason to post more today.

I was sitting here this afternoon feeling sorry for myself over my crappy appt and things going on lately. And my husband had called on his way home to tell me that he was going back in to do a long shift to get some extra hours with things busy again, so that made it worse knowing he was coming home and going straight to bed. Then I got a text message from my friend Eric saying that his parents had a special friend stopping by, and it would be something I'd probably like to bring K down to see. I debated not going because of my nasty mood, and then figured maybe it will help both of us to get out for the evening. So, I rushed through an early supper, and got him excited to go somewhere for surprise, and we left. I told him we were going to a friends house, someone he hasn't gotten to meet yet, and there was a big surprise there. That's all I told him. So we get close, and like half mile away I see the top of the balloon. He never notices. We go up the driveway, still doesn't notice. Till we are about 10 feet in front of it and parking the car. "Ohhhhhh there is a GIANT air bawwoon!!!!" (he can't say his L's)
We get out, he meets my friend and family, and starts begging to get close. At first when I was told it was going to be there, I planned on just going so K could see one up close, and had no clue we would get to actually get in it. Let alone go up!!
And let me add quick, I freak out normally with heights. Not for me.
So anyway, we watch it go up a few times, and then we were asked if we wanted a turn. It was strapped to a truck and there was at least 4 people helping keep it low with ropes. The ropes maxed at 60ft, which sounds really high but really wasn't too bad when we were up. I had to go over rules with K because he has no fear, and is really hyper and um...extreme... lately. Eric went on with us because they like to have it balanced more, and it was an extra person to stay on the other side of wild man. So here's some pics of my cool evening...
First 2, he is giving attitude because he didn't want people watching him. He wasn't crying or scared, just pissed that people were watching and wanting to take his picture. And he didn't like that I wouldn't let him just hang there on the side. I had a hold of him like that for most of it, and Eric was on the other side. The guy in the back is the pilot. He's really nice and gave me a card for if some day I'd like to try a real ride. I think it would be really cool but not anytime soon. And the last is us as far up as we were allowed to go. I think the pics are clickable to make them full size, and if so, you can see why the boy gives me a heart attack. He was looking over the side loving being up so high, wanting to go higher, looking at people who were so so tiny now.....
I showed the pics to my husband tonight before he left, and he seemed a little bummed that we got to do all that without him. I really didn't expect to go up at all. I lucked out though and it turned out to be really fun. They said they will let us know if it goes up again there, and we can go watch again. Hopefully next time he can go along with us.

A mystery *UPDATE!*

**UPDATE** 0.3. starting provera and double the dose next round.

Well, I didn't really find out much today. We skipped the pee test since it was negative so recently, and they only did another P4 check. I haven't heard what the number was yet, and probably won't until Monday at this point.

The u/s still has the big ole crater ovary. He still says by u/s, it looks like ovulation. Then also said that maybe it wasn't a mature follicle or something like that. I didn't ask for more explanation this time. I figured I'd ask for more when she calls.

So the plan now is to wait for my results. If they are really low again, I will start provera, and next round will be a double dose of meds. If they are high enough to indicate something did happen, then I wait more, and stay at the same dose next time. I honestly feel that since it's so different each time, that maybe they should just up the dose, but study protocol only allows that if the patient does not show response. And lucky me, I am.

I didn't really ask a lot of questions or care too much about this appt because I've honestly lost hope in this round. I've also had a lot going on behavior wise with K this week and feel like I'm close to a breakdown. It's just been an extremely stressful end of the week and I'm burnt out.

I probably won't be updating again till we have results.

Tomorrow's Friday

Tomorrow's the moment of truth I guess. Seeing as it's going to be closer to 2 weeks from the last appt, if that number is still low, I'll just be guessing that means that something is on the way. If by some chance it's high, I can be a little hopeful. I'm still not sure what to think.
I'm not really looking forward to getting up so early so I'm really hoping for the 2nd option to make it seem really worth it. I have to leave no later than 6 to make it in time. Ugh.

Mind games

I broke down and tested this morning because I have no self control. It was negative obviously.
I have all kinds of little things going on. Twinges, pains and boob pain. I know this can go either way and I'm leaning more towards period because I'm also craving junk food, and have the normal pre-period things for me. Usually I'm really tired before though, and for some reason now I have insomnia. I was up way too late again last night. I enjoyed some old friends episodes after midnight last night. I really miss that show!

This cycle has officially been the longest in the study. It's day 32. I wish I knew for sure when everything happened. I'm guessing I'll still make it to Friday's appt. If things start sooner, that saves me a long early morning drive. But secretly I hang onto hope that I'll go, and find out with their tests that it did work and get told that for once, that test is positive. Not likely but I can hope.

Going going going...drop

Wonder if that will happen today? The crazy man is still working, and plans to work till the end of his normal shift. So that would make it be from midnight till 4-5pm. He's absolutely crazy, but extremely hyper today. That's a lot more than what I can say about myself. The crazy part probably is the same, but not hyper. I think it was around 3am that I finally was able to drift off to sleep, and the dog had to go out at 5am. Then K woke up at 6:30. I convinced him it was much earlier than that, and he laid down for about another 1/2 hr and then was back. He looked at my alarm clock that time and said "Hey!! It's late enough we can get up!" looks out under my blinds and said "yeah, and it's light!" Ok..ok...It will be a tired day then. And, it looks like it's going to be another rainy one as well.

My plans for the day is to say busy. I've already gotten a lot of the normal cleaning done that's a daily thing. I need to go pick up fabric for some projects. One of my best friends is due next month and while chatting one night, she linked me to what she was going to buy, and I found that making them is so much cheaper. So I offered to make them. I'm attempting to make nursing covers and a ring sling. It looks really easy, and I'll have to save the pattern if it works out well.
And...there is a dollar tree near the fabric store. I can hear tests calling me from all the way here. I said I wouldn't test but maybe I should have a few here just in case. Friday still is along way away. And, my boobs hurt. First round that I noticed it was mostly just nipple pains and now it's all over. I rolled over this morning and quickly went back to my side.
Different but could be anything I guess.

1am

Obviously I'm crazy. I'm still awake. Never attempted sleep yet. Tomorrow will most definitely suck. My husband is gone though, working a crazy long shift tonight-normal shift tomorrow because work is getting busy. It's been unpredictable and slow lately, and he figures might as well take the time and save when able since a lot of places are falling apart. I guess I see the point but I miss him. And I don't sleep very well alone. The dog is too old to try to come up with me and has no interest because of that. I tried to help her up on the bed and she looked at me like I was crazy and curled on her bed again. So fine. Here I am.

I've also been obsessing. Technically, it's day 31 now. The longest cycle I've had so far with showing response has been 31 days. Its been 15 days today since the real positive opk. So, obviously I'm wondering.
If the p4 was so low on day 23, and I'd have ovulated around 17-19, shouldn't it have been higher by day 23? Or doesn't it rise at all till 7 days past? I'm confused on that. I'm tempted to some tests and give it a try Thursday. We will see though. I still feel like I'm setting myself up for disappointment. Plus, the last day we covered was day 16, positive opk day. Then, not again till 21 thanks to that infection.....So, do we really have a chance....
This is why normal people sleep.

It's Monday

So I have 4 more days till I find out what is going on this time. Obviously the numbers were not that low because a period was on the way. It's been a week and something should have arrived by now if that was the case. It's also day 30 already! I'm not sure that I'll test before the weekend. I have no symptoms going on either way, and honestly feel it will be a waste of a test. Now if I make it till next week, then I think we need to see what is going on. My appt is also at 7:30am so they will get results back by afternoon. So if blood work is negative, I definitely won't test till sometime next week. I'm not sure what to think. So enough about it.

I've been pretty busy. It helps a lot, plus time has really gone by fast. We've had so much rain this past month that the garden has gotten let go a little more than I'd like. So yesterday that got a good start. Weeds are no long in control. Activity wise, K is done with preschool. He's also only has one more game left then after the final picnic, t-ball is over. We got his pictures at yesterday's game and it still seems so strange to me that he is old enough to be apart of the team. I won't post the team photo here, but below is his posed pic. The team photo was kind of funny to me because he's the youngest on the team. It ranges from 4-6 yr olds, one is almost 7, and K is the tallest of all of them. He's also the most distracted and hyper of the kids I believe. We're going to give soccer a try because even if it's difficult at time, being in sports has helped him a little with learning patience. And soccer is one sport he will be allowed to run around non stop and not get in trouble. So it's win win situation.

Marriage with infertility

It can be a difficult thing. Infertility can really make or break a marriage. You either become closer than you ever thought possible, or you get pushed away and it all falls apart.
To keep things from falling apart, you have to be on the same page. I think both need to be understanding exactly what is going on every step of the way and there needs to be an agreement on how things are going to be handled. You need to keep communication open, and not block your spouse out of what is going on.

In my case, the problem is me. Only me. So, obviously what I go through is different than what he does. But, that doesn't mean it's not hard for him to go through it. He has to stand back and watch helplessly as everything happens with me. For my husband, he has a feeling of duty to try to make it better. To make things easier for me. And this is the one thing he's not able to do that with. So he does suffer too. It's just different type of suffering for each. And communication is not a problem here. Lucky for me, he listens. He understands. He's there for me no matter what. Even if he doesn't make the appts with me, he knows all the details and understands what is going on. When I am all hormonal and crazy, he's very forgiving. I know I can be a lot to deal with and he knows when it's the hormones kicking in and just basically overlooks that. And after every failed round, he's right there to comfort me. I honestly don't think I could handle any of this if he wasn't like this.

And when we got married, we were barely 19. Our lives revolved around each other since we were 15, and we had talked about being married, having a big family and what we wanted from our life for years before it happened. So when we got married, we were trying right away. Obviously it didn't happen right away, but it opened our eyes to being adults. We grew up faster than most our age. While our old friends were out partying and living the single or unmarried life, we were talking about how to handle infertility. We had a goal and we worked hard to make it happen. When we found out that the problem was with me, and our dream of having a big family may never happen, he could have took the easy way out being that young. I really wouldn't have blamed him. But we got closer, stayed strong, and kept going. And we lucked out and now we have K. We love this little boy more than we could ever dream of. We are happy with our little family, but I know that we both feel like there is something still missing. It's a feeling that is hard to explain. And I still feel like a failure that I can't do what should be normal. Can't just say I want to have another baby and it just happens. And now my son is learning that other people have lots of brothers & sisters, and why can't he have just one. It's a new level of the hurt of infertility. But this isn't about that...it's about the marriage part today.

I feel that our marriage is so much more solid with all we have gone through with this journey. I believe things happen for a reason, whether we understand it or not at the time. I'm starting to see that maybe the reason I'm cursed with infertility is so that I can have such a great and secure marriage. Without all this, I don't know that we'd have made things this good. It made us closer.

I'm very thankful that I got a wonderful husband who understands and will do anything to make things work. I have a friend who recently separated from her husband after 2 years of IF treatments and problems. They just became so different with it all that they couldn't reconnect and save their marriage. It shouldn't have to end like that.

Just another day

Today is another day of a lot of deep thinking. I didn't sleep much last night. I am majorly distracted with all the thoughts today. Here's a lot of what is on my mind....


Obviously a huge part of it has to do with the study. I am extremely grateful to be able to be apart of this study. I really am. I've already gotten so much more info and insight on things than in all the 4 years prior to it all. They have covered so much that was never looked into before. I was able to get the total work up from the start to end of a cycle. They did the HSG. When they do blood work, it's explained to me. When I have a procedure, that's explained. So they do have a great set of doctors who are truly there when there is an issue. I do like that. The nurse is always available and willing to answer any questions. And even though it is all very frustrating, I'd probably do it again if that option came available. I mean, it is a ton of savings by participating. Right now it's only costing me the half a tank of gas to get there and back, and whatever for a babysitter. Can't beat that seeing as we totally maxed out our IF benefits 2 years ago.

What I would change if possible would be that it would have mid cycle monitoring. The option of a trigger. And if a few rounds didn't work, the option of IUI would be nice as well. I'd even be willing to pay for that extra stuff if it was possible. I find it extremely frustrating that I have to wait 3 weeks to find out what is going on. And all the freaking weird twinges and pains I feel throughout the cycle, thinking that something had already happened, and find out that I was way off.

I am glad that I am at least responding to it. That's definitely something positive.
I have had extremely crappy luck with things so far this year, and I will blame those issues on why these first 3 rounds did not work. I am obviously hoping that one of the last 2 will work out, but if it doesn't, I'm prepared to stay with the clinic. I know they do mid cycle monitoring and the full go of things. They have extremely high success with IVF there as well. I probably will not go much further than the meds at this point though. I'm burnt out with it all. We have spent so much in infertility stuff over the past 4 years that it is sickening. I've also put off a lot of things we had wanted to do. A lot of our plans revolve around "well if this cycle works, I might not be able to do that if pregnant." I'm willing to try a few rounds with total monitoring on my own if this doesn't work, but after that I think it's time for a break. Maybe try the herbal route. And maybe start saving for the adoption idea. We will see. I'm not giving up total hope for this yet because I know with responding, anything is possible. I'm just burnt out and extremely frustrated with the crappy luck lately.

I stay up too late

I can't shut off the thinking. I had a little mental temper tantrum earlier and the usual failed cycle pissiness tonight. I tried to go to bed at 9 with my husband but sleep did not happen. So, after "homework" and resting a while, and thinking outloud while he tried so hard to stay awake and listen (kept drifting off, snore and would say "I'm awake!" when I pointed out he fell asleep...) I decided it was time to come back downstairs for me time. I've looked at my journal about 20 thousand times tonight trying to figure out when it might have happened since it's probably over already. It was clear that there wasn't a follicle there anymore. It's too late to remember what he called it but I'm sure most of you already know the term. I'll just call it the crater.
At this point, I just want the next week to go fast. If I'm out this month for sure, fine, just bring it on so I can get past this. I hate the wait!! While waiting though, I need to figure out a new plan of action for the next round. I tried opks, they suck. But I might try them again now that all this is so weird this time. Other than that, I'm doing just the prenatals. Anything else I can take to up my chance? I'm even debating...gasp....temp charting again. I can't believe I just said it. Those of you who have followed this journey from way back will know how much I hate temping. Plus I don't sleep 3 hrs straight ever. I don't know how it could possibly work.

I think it's time for bed. Hopefully I can somehow make the next week and half go really fast.

Ready for confusion????

Because I'm extremely confused. I got my results and my P4 is only 0.2! The "crater" on the ovary clearly looks like ovulation. It was over 10, but I forget what measurement they gave it. The lining looked really good too and he said it definitely looks like ovulation. So I was in my happy high and didn't really register the measurements or any of that. But blood says differently. I'm so confused. They said what they think is going on now is that it JUST happened. So, "intercourse like crazy the next 2-3 days". I'm crampy but nothing ovary-like. And I do have cm again....

Another thing is it could just have been a really early ovulation, and it's so low because my period is close to starting. He really doesn't think that is the case, and I don't either, but my gosh I wouldn't put it past it. Nothing with me goes normal or predictable. He called me the puzzeling PCOS case because I'm "anything but textbook". Thanks. Now that I feel like a freak, can someone please tell me what is going on?!
He says he wants me back next week for a repeat of the P4 and another u/s. Because of the coordinator going on vacation, I can't get back in till next Friday. So I have to wait even longer. Of course if my period starts then we're just back to the start all over again. I don't know what to think!! Any opinions or ideas on this? Another thought is maybe cyst? I am not searching ideas yet because it all has my head ready to explode.
I don't know if I should be preparing to start freakin bleeding any minute, or think I'm safe for another 2 weeks, or think the u/s just was a joke, or just go hide for a few days. Hmm...Hide sounds good. It's bad enough to think earlier that I had a week to wait yet. Now possibly another 2 or 3 weeks is just crazy. I have things that if I'm not pregnant, I want to do. I'm at the point now that maybe I'll just do whatever till someone tells me that it truly is happening. Is that wrong?
Sorry, this news just came out of nowhere and ruined a perfect mood....

I was wrong...

Yesterday wasn't day 24. I was getting ahead of myself. TODAY is day 24. I have even longer to wait. Ugh....There will be a better update soon when I get the blood work call.

It was righty

Today was my u/s and blood work. They are swamped with trying to squeeze a bunch of us in this week because next week the regular nurse will be on vacation. So, it was the first time I ever had to wait more than 2 mins to go back and get started with everything. The usual weight/vitals/skin thing (forget what it's called...) and the journal check. She asked if I felt any signs of anything going on. I said to be honest I really don't trust what I feel anymore. We went over and the u/s shows that I definitely responded! Right ovary has a huge crater looking hole in it. He was very pleased and said it is definitely post ovulation and looks great. The lining looks "prefect" as well. So I know it did happen for sure. Most of the twinges and things I felt was prior to the wonderful yeast infection so I hope this worked. If it was after day 16, then I'm out of luck and will be pissed. So right now I'm just hoping with all I have that it was earlier than day 16 and that our timing was perfect. At least I know this is working now, and if it's longer than 28 day cycle, that it was missed because of the infection. Round 1 was 31 days, Round 2 was 27 days, and we will just wait now.

Today I've had a lot of cramping and achiness but I know that will go either way. So really, just waiting....
I'll have my blood work back tomorrow. IF things happened earlier than day 14, there would be a chance of that pregnancy test detecting something. IF. I can hope right??

Visitors

Last night we had visitors. It was my mom's birthday and I wanted to surprise her with bringing up my brother, his girlfriend and the baby. It was planned perfectly as a surprise till she talked to him and he said "See you Friday!" So she knew, but was still the same response I had hoped for. I ordered her a really yummy cake from Cold Stone Creamery. Which btw, YUM! Then I decided I'd brave things, and pick them up early because I didn't feel like wasting the gas to go out another time in an hour or 2 from that point. What I learned was I can fit another car seat into the car and still have room for someone to sit in the backseat. I can also have a load of groceries, cooler, and fit someone into the back seat if needed. Kristopher actually finds it extremely entertaining to have a baby sitting beside him and "can't wait till we get one to keep that is ours!!" To him, he still thinks babies are like getting a new pet I think. If only it could be that easy.

The visit went pretty good. The baby now smiles and tries to coo at us, so it suckered me into holding her more this time. Doesn't help the whole baby fever thing. They stayed till around 9:30 and then mom offered to take the home. It was a pretty nice time and she's really happy with me right now since I made it all happen. It can be like my good deed for the month or something like that.

Cycle wise, day 21. My appt is Monday. I'm not sure what to think yet, so I'll just wait very impatiently. After the whole yeast infection thing, I have tried to mentally tell myself that there is a high chance this won't even work this time, so if it doesn't, at least I was semi prepared. And if it doesn't work and I have another 31 day cycle, then I'll know it all happened after day 16. So, we wait. Again.

Cramping...

Tonight something new started. A lot of low uterus type cramping. Definitely not ovaries, but middle/right area. It almost feels like right before my period started last time, but it's way too early for that. Not sure if it means anything but I figured I will mention it so when I look back next round freaking out over aches and stuff, I'll see it here lol.

1 day kit is working! Finally some relief after a scary episode of things getting worse after the disgusting thing started to dissolve. I freaked at first thinking I was having an allergic reaction, then it finally eased up and is getting better. At least I feel a little better. It's still an extremely gross experience.

Relief is on the way!

The doctor would rather not call something in until I've tried something on my own. Ok, well giving it a try. So I went and bought the 1 day, day or night kit, did the thing already and am hoping for the best. Since I know usually they say to do these things at bedtime, I'm going to relax on the couch a while so this doesn't get all gross....
I'm still continuing the yogurt. Definitely beats the weird garlic idea....lol

I'm not sure how many days we have to avoid now, but it says symptoms should be basically gone within 3 days or to contact a doctor. All I can do now is hope that ovulation was prior to the 16 and we have things covered good enough.

I'm planning on buying the big container of the plain yogurt tomorrow. What could I add to it to make it taste better but still get all the good benefits from it? It's time for a change with what we eat, and I'm going to try harder to make it stay healthier. I'm also thinking of starting a probiotic. Right now all I've been taking is my prenatals. We definitely need to add something to our diet though. Both K and I have been getting colds more frequently and now I get this issue. I think while I'm "medicating" here I'll do some research on that subject.

And now waiting on the phone

My issue isn't getting any better now. I feel gross. And I'm pissed that this had to happen now of all times. Seriously, can't wait one more freaking week?! So now this cycle we've missed day 14, 17 & 18. I feel like I just screwed up. I'm still eating yogurt but not much help there. I called the study nurse today because I was reading about natural remedies and can't bring myself to try those, and am not sure about the kits just yet because of how our chances will be after this is over. I debated the AZO pills, but those are mixed opinions. So I just called her and asked for a recommendation of what I can do at this point. There has to be something they would recommend to get rid of this fast. She said they might be able to call in a script for me for a 1 dose pill. That would be really great if it can be a pill and I don't have to shove anything up there and deal with that mess! She said they are swamped with appts today but she will talk to the dr asap, and call me back with what is best. So I'll either be going out for the med, or buying a freaking kit later.

I do have to say, the most recommended thing I found last night while searching was garlic... And I don't know about others but I think the thoughts of a garlic smelling crotch is about enough to make me want to die right now. I can just see it ending bad somehow for me, going to the appt on Monday and when they get down there for the u/s smelling freaking garlic. Yeah...I'm not trying that. I think the u/s is humiliating enough at times. We don't need nasty issues to go with that or I might just die right there on the table.

Anyway, it's day 19. I'm probably past any O chances now, and hope with everything I can that we timed it good enough. I was tempted to keep trying but I know that's not the safest unless I want to do it all again next round....
If the last opk was real dark positive on day 16, and we covered that day, I hope that is still good enough.....

Waiting.....and more waiting....

And more waiting. That is what it feels like lately. Time is dragging. It's rainy here again, and that doesn't help. Not much going on to favor either way but it's obviously too early.

I'm not sure that I really have a yeast infection. Maybe just irritation issues because of my laundry mistake. I'm forcing myself to eat yogurt and feeling better already. I bought stonyfield farm organic because of the probiotics in it, and its ok....I usually can only handle the yoplait light yogurt. With the blue containers. That I can tolerate really well. Obviously I know the organic is better but the texture is really different. So that's been my issue. If it works though, maybe I will switch completely and force myself to eat one everyday. Or maybe smoothies....That's a good idea! And I could get K into it too and sneak more healthy stuff in him since he's crazy picky lately. Hmmm..maybe onto something there.....lol

I skipped last night because I fell asleep on the couch and then didn't feel like doing anything. I figure it probably wouldn't hurt our chances any. We've only skipped day 14 and 17 since day 10....A break is a good thing. I just have to convince myself that. I think that the opks are just screwed up and just don't really work for me. But at the same time, I keep thinking well what if the positive on day 16 was for real, and I just screwed up skipping yesterday. Rainy days ruin my ability to distract myself with other things.....

UGH!!!!!

I have the worse luck. I think I'm getting a yeast infection. I've only ever had 1 real true yeast infection so I really don't know for sure. I just have a little pain that comes and goes, and kinda feel swollen. Just uncomfortable. No itching or gross discharge. I was going to buy a monistat kit while out today, but I really don't know if that's a good idea. Yesterday I had that postive opk, for real I think, and it's day 17 today. If I do the kit, it will make it not so great. I just spent a little while googling how a yeast infection will effect ttc and ovulation, and apparently it won't unless it's a full on infection. And really, I feel ok most of the time. It hurts more after peeing, then eases up. But I know for sure it's not a UTI. The pain is on the outside.
I don't know what is going on this month. The only thing I can think of is maybe between the mucinex and extra cm issues, and the fact I screwed up and bought scented detergent last week instead of our usual free and clear, this is what I get. I'm not sure. It's just makes me feel extremely gross right now and pissed that I might be out yet another round.
All I need is 2 more days and I think I'm past any chances of messing up. 2 more days!
Until then, would probiotics be a bad thing? If I can find some around here....I also saw something called AZO Yeast. It had directions for treating infection and also preventing. Those are pills....

Weird....

First of all, for the heck of it, I did another opk yesterday. Darker than the control positive. Not sure what's up there. I never saw one that dark before. Covered our bases just in case. I'm done testing for now. It's too crazy. I'm also starting to get boob soreness, so maybe progesterone is on the rise. Not sure there either. Without the good monitoring beforehand with u/s and all that, it's just a mystery and I give up. Obviously whatever is going to happen will happen and it's nothing I can control at this point. I'm just hoping that it has happened and my period doesn't show up. I'm not testing till after day 31. For mental reasons.

I got my old records today. I've spent the past 2 hrs trying to make sense of it all. They had extremely crappy records. I can hardly read most of what I was looking for. I did find out, of the 4 clomid tries prior to K, the 3 that did not show response was a P4 of under 1.7 and the rest were 0.8. Then, the cycle he was conceived, my P4 was on day 23, and it was a level of 27.4. And he wrote "ovulation!!!!" beside it. I thought that was kinda cool. So then I was curious of what my levels were when pregnancy was confirmed. It was checked twice. Both times just say "positive for pregnancy" and progesterone is "in normals". So no info there. Idiots. Another thing I was really concerned and wanted a record was of my pregnancy. The chart for that sucked. It was when they still used that carbon paper, so it's so screwed up that it's not readable for most of it. The birth report was interesting. My labor was a total of 5 hrs and 48 mins. His heart rate had dropped several times to a "concerning level" and the ob was called for emergency c-section. I remember them calling for the ob, who was stuck in traffic on the highway 10 mins away, and there was a lot of making me turn and stuff and prepping "just in case". I didn't realize that it was going to happen if that doctor would have been there. Kinda scary.

After K, the records are mostly about all the bleeding issues. The rounds of clomid were about as boring and undocumented as before, low under 1 P4 results. What I did find out was during all the bleeding issues and D&C, they had done several u/s and the small follicle line is listed several times. "Several small follicles found on both ovaries". Why wasn't that mentioned before? Why didn't they suspect PCOS before? There was even a part on the chart that they had me try metformin, mostly just to experiment that option with clomid. But never once did they suspect PCOS. My chart ended on 11/21/06 and I was seen and did a clomid cycle in Jan 07. I have my own records on that. And I know I had a visit in Feb and March. The final switch was made in April to my first RE. I'm not sure why there isn't a record of those visits, but I give up. The place is a joke. The only part about the office that I ever liked was the ob/gyn I had that treated me with my first time ttc, and the midwife I had there while I was pregnant. Neither is still with the practice, so I'm definitely never using them again.

Later tonight I'm going to make a list of all this info for my own records. And put this thing in order. The chart skips from 03 to 06 and back again so many times that it's about crazy. Oh and there was a part about the post op report for my first D&C that talked about the "gross description" and "microscopic description". The Gross Description was definitely really gross. More than I really wanted to read for today.....

Waiting now

I'm pretty sure it's over. I'm not even sure which day it happened. I know that day 12, 13, & 14, opks were positive. Day 12 and 14 being the most like the box picture. Day 13 was kind of questionable because of a thinner line. Either way, I had the other signs to go with it day 12 and 13, and a tiny bit on 14. Timing wise we have covered things well, and I actually skipped 14 because well, I was exhausted with everything else that happened Saturday. Covered day 15 so I still think that's good. I hope so at least! So today we're on day 16, and cm is all but gone. I feel like we've past it and it's just the wonderful wait. I think I'll wait till after day 30 to attempt testing. I'm feeling positive this time around, and I don't want to get all depressed and worse by the negatives. I'm just hoping for a P4 next week of over 15, and to hear them say that u/s definitely looks like a good ovulation. One more week.

Yesterday we went to use our freebie tickets at Dutch Wonderland. K is officially at the age where he asks "are we there yet??" and "how much longer?!" on long car rides. He wasn't distractable with the dvd player either for more than the first 45 mins. So the other 45-hour was every 2 mins one of the above questions.
We met up there with a friend and her family. Her boy is a few weeks younger than K and they've been friends since around 1 I think is the first time they met.....Anyway, they live 2.5 hrs away so we don't get to see them very much.
My boy is definitely a wild child. He's crazy tall for his age, which works in his favor for the rides. He was able to get on anything he wanted, some as long as a parent went on the bigger rides. We asked on the way what he wanted to go on. "Rollercoaster!! Bumper cars!!" Ummm ok....I thought for sure he would be scared of the coaster. We went on the little kiddie one and he loved it. Said he wanted the BIG coaster. We did it twice and that was my limit. He would have done it all day. It wasn't a wild one, but it was a full size, super fast, rip you apart feeling coaster. Even though we were strapped in and the bar put down, it still scared me to have him on there. And no matter what I said about holding on, he had to put his hands in the air like other people. Scares me! I'm glad he has fun though and enjoys it all. His favorite part was the water park and we did the water slide a few times. I'm glad I decided to rush the trip and do it now so I was able to do as much with him. Just in case I get pregnant. This might be the last trip for the summer if this cycle works. And I want to do it before any chance of implanting. I think it was safe yesterday.