Some changes

A friend linked me to a site that has nice backgrounds. So the change today is my blog is pretty instead of basic anymore. I like it.

Zoey is doing a lot better. She did wake me up at 2:30 to go out, but after that has been fine. It will take a few days for her to get back to normal again. I'm going to attempt going to do my much needed errands today and hope for the best. I haven't left her alone since this hit, and I'm hoping that when I leave she doesn't have any accidents. They are calling for heavy rain today, so that will be pretty horrible to have happen when the house needs to stay all closed up.

No changes cycle wise. I'm still waiting. It's day 39 now. The study nurse is on vacation and won't be back in the office till Monday. She said she will talk to the Dr at that time with my chart available, and let me know what happens next. I know its been common for him in the past to say if we attempt a cycle and it doesn't come, to just do blood work and then start meds. I do not want to do that this time, and would even suck it up and do a whole 10 day round of provera again if needed. I do not think skipping having a period is going to do any good. The last time that happened, I had a really bad cycle. Plus, the lining was on the thicker side when I had the mid cycle appt, and that means it needs to come out before trying this final round. I want everything to go right this round! It's my last try till at least spring, if not longer. I don't want to sound totally greedy but I really NEED for this to be the time it works! I think the whole study would have been a real success, if the first 3 cycles would have went better. I had a lot against me for this thing and it's not fair.
It seems as if everyone is getting pregnant or having babies lately! It seems like a lot of the IF community has really started to take off! That is awesome! :) We also have several friends who either just had babies, or are pregnant now. And my amish neighbor just let us know this past weekend that they are finally pregnant and she's due in December. I had talked with her last winter about the difficulty of it not being easy for everyone. And for them, that's their sole purpose so I'm sure it bring IF to a different level that I'm not familiar with. I'm just happy to see it happening for those who really want it. And now a few of my closest friends are having babies, I can at least take care of a little baby fever by visiting them.

The weekend is going to be busy. I have a big list of things I want to get done, and we are about to start the final phase of construction on our big remodel project. That will be a post for another day. The plan is for it to be all completed by the end of this year. I have a few projects I want done before Sept because I'm starting to plan a birthday party, and want those crossed off the list before it happens. Tomorrow night we are going to have a family date night, and go to the drive in to see the new Ice Age and Night in the Museum. It should be fun provided the humidity goes away with this rain.
Sorry this ended up so long. I have had lots on my mind and now am feeling better. Time to get ready to leave for the day.

Already Thursday?!

Wow this week is going fast. I'm suppose to get back in touch about what to do with this cycle. Still no spotting or anything on the way. I did break down and test 2 days ago and it was negative still. I've been kinda crampy and thinking something was starting for a few days now, but nothing is going on. It's extremely frustrating!
I just emailed her quick while thinking of it, so I guess there will be a chance of a trip for bloodwork and more meds in my future. We will see.

Zoey is doing better so far today. We ended up with a vet trip again yesterday afternoon because she wasn't able to keep her bland diet in, or water if she gulped it. They had me take both away till the appt. Apparently this is just the sensitive stomach thing in overdrive again. Stool samples show nothing bad, and she got a shot to help with the constant pooping, plus a 10 day antibiotic to get her over this. We're to continue a bland diet for 3 days, then start to slowly mix back her real food in with it, and continue the diarrhea meds through today at least. After all her meds last night, and being able to eat a little again, she just crashed for the evening. She was in a major deep sleep. She was so tired she almost couldn't make it up the steps. I'm so not ready for those days! She would take a few, stop, look back at me, try another and stop. I almost had to get D to come carry her up and she finally made it up. I don't know what we will do when she can't do steps anymore. She didn't want to get up this morning but I was worried that she wouldn't wake me if I fell back to sleep. When she has the accidents in the house, it's always been when she wasn't able to wake us up. And she ventures into the hallway right beside K's door and that's where it happens. That's all I need is for him to walk out and into that. So, we got up at 6 today. So far, things are good. No more poop, has kept food in her for over an hour now. Looking much better! My only concern right now is if they say I need to come in for more blood work and another appt. That would have be gone a good 4-5 hrs and not sure what I might come home to after that.

Sick Dog

Tonight's added to this wonderful week. Last night I was out in the garden and the dog usually lays close to where I'm at. Last night she ventured over to behind our garage, and started eating something. I ran over and chased her away but she already swallowed some. It was cat poop. With all the farms around here, the cats don't get proper care. They aren't pets and no one really cares if they venture away and spread their disease around. They are all full of worms and issues. It's sad but I have a hard time finding pity right now when they keep coming into my yard and pooping all over the place and then this happens. Zoey waits till I'm distracted and even though she knows it's bad, she dives on it. I find it really disgusting that dogs will do things like that. Anyway, a little history with Zoey is that when she eats poop, she gets really sick. It's been pretty regular for the past 2 yrs of living here, and hits about every 2-3 months. It ends up needing her to go to the vet, they feel her belly and do a poop test, give anti diarrhea meds and antibiotics and say bland diet for 3 days before weaning her back on dog food. The past few times, they've allowed us to just bring in the sample, get the meds, and save on the office visit because they know she has a sensitive stomach. We've tried extra hard to keep her in the front yard, and if she goes to the back, she stays next to us (except last night when she felt like proving me wrong). She doesn't get any people food, gets meds faithfully to prevent heartworm and parasites, and is on a ridiculously expensive food that the little pet store owner here orders it for me because none of the big stores carry it other than online. It's gentle on her stomach and we've made it 10 months since the last episode. That's a very big deal. So anyway, tonight was the same. Called the vet and said what happened yesterday, and said that the poor dog has gone out with explosive diarrhea 6 time in the past hour, do they want to see her or do we just come down for meds. They reviewed it with both vets, and said they would wait there till 9:30, just bring the sample and come for meds. That works for us. She seems to be doing much better already. She's hungry but she can't start her rice/burger diet till morning. She gets one more pill and a chance to go out, and then it's bed time. She usually wakes me up when she's sick like this if she needs to go out at night so I hope that's the case tonight. The rare times that she doesn't make it, she goes right next to K's door and I'm hoping that doesn't happen!
In the meantime, I need to find ways to keep the other animals out of our yard without having to fence it all. We have almost 2 acres. The only part fenced is along the road out front because we sit so close to it. Nothing comes in there, and I clean up after Zoey every day so I'd notice if something else was going there. We don't have animal shelters around here. None for our county and I just get told that if i catch them and bring them in, it's $40 per drop off or something crazy like that. There has to be something to do though.
Poor dog is sad that she can't lay with me on the couch now but she is going to need a bath and "butt cut" before being allowed on furniture again. The downfall to a hairy dog I guess.

No change

I wanted to update quick. There's still nothing going on here. Boob pain but no spotting or period. Today is 8 days from the last provera. Yesterday I emailed the study nurse to find out what happens now. She said they allow up to 10 days for it to start. So I guess if nothing is going on by Thursday, Friday I'll be going down for more blood work. I'm really not sure what to think this time. For me, when the progesterone rises, I always have the boob pains. It's not a constant pain but it's enough that if something bumps into them or I roll over in bed, I notice it.
I pretty sure that it's not a late ovulation. I tested last Friday and it was negative. I truly don't think that it's missing because of pregnancy. I refuse to waste anymore tests right now.
I do find it incredibly strange that of all the years provera has worked well for me, with 7 days being my common dose, that this time it's failed me. I only have one more round to go with this and now we got another delay! I honestly wouldn't care that it's missing right now if it wasn't for just one more time to go. I just want this study to be completed at this point. So much has interfered and took the fun out of it. Apparently they are right and nothing will ever be predictable with me!

So other than that, not much going on here. Keeping busy and just waiting. If things stay the same through the weekend, we might do a day trip to the beach on Sunday. Or maybe go to a park and enjoy some water rides. We will see.

And while I'm updating...I added a new button on the side of my blog. Baby Stellan could really use all the thoughts and prayers he can get right now. Check out their blog for more details. I have been following his story for a long time now and it breaks my heart to read the latest updates. He is such a strong little guy.

My Orchids

I found a new obsession. Well, not really a new one exactly, but one to take over a lot more of my time. I've had a few orchids thanks to a friend getting me obsessed for about a year and half now. A few I've had bad luck with because Lowes and Home Depot like to over water them and drown them in the disgusting moss. Last weekend I found 3 at Lowes on clearance and I had to rescue them. They were $1 each and while they look bad, they will probably bounce back over time. And if they don't, I'm only out $3. I started making it my duty to check each time I go back. Since we live far from everything, I have 1 of 3 ways I can go to stores. Last week was the one north. Earlier in the week we were to one direction south of us, and then yesterday hit the other store about 10 mins from the other. Yesterday I found 2 for $2 each, plus the one pictured below that was normal price. I felt I needed something blooming right now so I had to buy it. It has 5 new buds on it and the roots were very good so I think this will be one of the better purchases from Lowes. While I was checking out, the girl was telling me a little about them. "It's a shame these are dying. They are so pretty but they only seem to flower for a few weeks and then stop! And the sticks are starting to look like they are dying too." First of all, they are suppose to drop flowers after a few weeks. Second of all, the "stick" is the spike, and after they are done flowering, it's normal to change colors while it's done blooming. Some even come off and regrow the next season. And 3rd, they pack them in an insane amount of moss and don't know how to water them correctly. The moss was packed in so tightly that I almost broke the pot to get them out. When they over water it that way, it rots the roots. I repot all mine into clay balls and they are doing great. I wasn't about to tell her all that though, because I figure I'll check back every other week to see which ones have "died" since blooming. The 2 I got yesterday do not have tags, so it will be a nice surprise when they start to bloom next spring.
They are so pretty! I think it's a good distraction, and will make the house feel a little more peaceful. I use to have a lot of house plants, but during a move at one point I gave them to my mom and she killed them within a few months. I think it's time to start to get a new collection. My husband told me to find something to distract myself. Wonder if he realized that orchids aren't exactly a really cheap expense at first.....hehe...

Not too bad

This week went ok. I feel like it went past very fast so I can't complain. Much less mental than last week.

I tested this morning only because it's day 32, and I finished the last provera on Monday night and still nothing. The test was negative, but I figured that much. I'm doing ok with that. I didn't think we had much of a chance. Now, I'm just waiting on a period. I emailed the nurse yesterday and they allow up to 10 days after provera for things to start. Great. I'd kinda like for it to avoid this weekend, but it can come on Monday and I'll be fine. Or even Sunday night. Just let me get through the weekend without a lot of issues.

Yesterday I felt brave and took K and my grandmother (really great-grandmother but long story there) for some errands. She doesn't drive, so she makes a list and then doesn't tell me she needs stuff, just gives attitude about how I go places and don't invite her. So I finally found out she had a list, and figured we might as well go and get it all over with. It's about impossible to take an almost 5 yr old, and almost 85 yr old out together. And it is at least a 45 min car ride till the first stop, with multiple stops after that before the long 45 mins back home. K will try to talk to her, and she can barely hear, so he yells in his megaphone voice. She still gets it wrong when she repeats it back in a question. Like an example. "Hey Old Nanny (he calls her old nanny because my mom is Nanny), I brought a snack along!" She will say "Yes it is a hot day!" "NO!!! I brought a SNACK!!! See?" "Yes, I do like your hair cut." Ahhhhh save me! It's funny at first, but he gets so upset not understanding why she's doing that. Our trips always end up with me having a pounding headache and asking myself why I do it. I am glad though that he's got the chance to be around her as much as he has. It's not often that a kid gets to know their great grandparents, let alone the chance with a great-great grandparent.

Today I'm going back out since I couldn't do my errands and hers all at once without possibly being carted off to the mental ward. So it will be a busy day.

Nothing yet

So far, nothing has started. Not even any spotting. I really hope that it does soon that way I don't have to do another round to get things going. It's day 30 today. I had to look that up to be sure though because I've been distracted. That's a good change I guess.
Another reason that I do not like provera is I have gained 2lbs back. And I feel bloated. I have to get back on track. This week when I do our grocery shopping, I am not buying anything bad. We both want to try to lose some more weight, and I've been wanting to switch to more natural and organic stuff for K. I've already cut out the artificial red dyes in things he eats or drinks and have noticed a huge difference. I've also started adding flaxseed to things he likes, so that might be part of the change as well. Either way, he's doing better and I'm sticking to it. It will help us all, and I think if I can get my husband totally on board to this, I will be fine.
I need ideas on healthy snacks though. I suck at this. Right now I'm too tired to search for ideas. I'm really exhausted today.

Keeping busy

This week seems to be going fast. And definitely not as mental as last week. I'm doing a lot better. I ended up finding another bottle of provera in the cabinet that was left over from a previous round, and I took 1 more day so it was a total of 7 days. That was last night. Nothing is happening yet. I've had a lot of achiness and cramping, and the boobs are sore. But no spotting or anything yet. I wish it would just hit already and get out of here. I don't want it to be starting and really horrible over the weekend. I hate when it arrives in time to ruin that.

Yesterday and today was spent as a glimpse into life with another kid. I babysat for a friend, and Sunday night I was assuming nothing would get done in these 2 days. Surprisingly, I got a ton done and still managed to stay calm and stress free. K also was very good and tried harder with his outbursts. He loved having the baby around and was upset when I told him today was the last day for a while. I have no doubt that if this could finally work, he would be an incredible big brother. He did so good. He helped with anything I'd let him, he was very careful around the baby and rushed over when she was unstable trying to walk. We stayed in all day Monday, but today we ventured out and had a nice time visiting with friends. Somehow, it was all really calming to me.
Not sure what we will get into tomorrow or the rest of the week. I know that K needs to sleep in later tomorrow and catch up on sleep. We will probably stay home and get things done around here. I'm trying hard to keep things less stressful for both of us, but keep us busy enough that we don't have time to get bored and mental. There was things I thought of earlier that I wanted to write about, but I'm too tired to remember. Maybe tomorrow. For now, I'm going to go sleep.

Happier post

I figured it was time to make the blog a little happier. So, I'm going to start doing more picture posts. Today was a better day. We packed a lunch and went to find some new trails. We stopped at the forestry office and found a map for a new place we never saw before. To those of you close by, it's called Gunter Reservoir. Completely hidden in the woods and the park is not busy at all. Very nice and quiet. We have to go back again soon, and check it out for sure when the leaves are in full color. I can't get over how quiet it was there. It was so pretty, you'd think more people would be there. I need new sneakers. I hate wearing shoes, so I live in flip flops in the summer. I had shoes for hiking, and they rub. My feet are dying right now but looking at the pics I took, it was worth it. I love how the top picture turned out!

The next picture is another that I really love. I stayed a little behind a few times to watch these 2 together and remind myself how thankful and lucky we are. The past month or so has been rough with K, but it's moments like this that remind me how lucky we are. And I love to watch my guys interacting. It really captures how an adventure out with K is too. He talks non stop, and was asking questions about something he saw in the woods. Probably saying "hey daddy, what is that over there" for the 100th time. And my husband tolerates it so so well.

So the nice quiet day out really helped clear my mind a little more. I still feel a little crazy, but I feel more in control. Plus, today was the last provera. I'm hoping for an easy period, and that the 3 pill dose isn't too crazy for me. I'll take another week of crazy though if it will work. I think this will be a better week though. I have flowers to plant, and I'm babysitting my friends 9 month old Monday and Tuesday. K is so excited and to be honest, I am too. I love that age. We will have fun. I better get to bed so I'm ready for the week. I have lots more I want to write about but more time tomorrow. I'm too tired tonight.

Dragging

I feel like things are dragging so slowly. I still have 2 more days left of provera, and even taking it at night doesn't really help much. I get to wake up with the headache. And I have some extremely crazy dreams. I'm not sure if that's related to it or not but for now I'll blame it on that.
Yesterday morning I woke up feeling it was going to be a particularly bad day, so I retaliated against it, and ate an ice cream sandwich for breakfast. That made me feel a little better till my body so kindly reminded me why I can't eat junk food on an empty stomach. Thank you no more gall bladder. I think I learnt my lesson. The rest of the day seemed to drag on. D came home early to get extra sleep for his Friday night late shift, and that improved the day a little more. He went along for groceries with me which helped a ton since K's behavior usually gets insane during that trip. We did ok though.

I really think a lot of the issues with my mood has to do with the provera. I feel completely miserable when I'm on this. Or maybe it's the fact I know I have to take it because this cycle has failed and all hope is gone? I'm afraid that if this cycle fails and I have to go on bcp to keep things regulated till we're ready for going at it again, that it's going to really make things worse and I'll need medicated for mental health as well. So I'm going to start searching for natural options to keeping things regular. But part of me is holding on to this tiny ray of hope that this will work for us this time. I mean, I'll me maxed out med wise, and it's our last chance to try for a while, so it HAS to work. Right?

Well, I have to try to figure out my plans for the weekend. I hope to be back on Monday and not so crazy but I'm sure the period will start shortly after provera is over and make another long week. We will see I guess.

Ramblings

I ended up in bed before 9 last night. That NEVER happens. I was just so done by the time I got K in bed, I didn't feel like doing anything else. It made me wake up at 3:30 and stay awake till almost 6am, and just as I decided if I couldn't fall asleep in the next 5 mins, that I'd get up, I looked back over and the clock turned to 7am. So it must have worked. haha.
Shortly after that, I heard noise in K's room. The dog had tried to get me to get up around 6 because she thinks she's starving when she sees light outside. I normally don't feed her till around 7:30 or 8 and she knows that. She still tries though as soon as she sees someone is awake. So since I told her to go lay down, she snuck into K's room and wet nosed him awake. He proceeded to baby her and "read" her a book. As soon as she saw me sitting up, I got pounced and the begging for breakfast started. It's been a pretty good morning so far.

I was told by a few people that flaxseed is really good for you, and something I read recently said that for children with behavior problems, it can do a lot as well. I finally bought some and snuck it into pancakes this morning. He had no clue and said they were the best pancakes ever. I think I may be onto something. I noticed a little difference but it wasn't that bad. They were also whole wheat pancakes instead so that could be it. I've also started watching much closer about the artificial dyes in foods and limiting those. The red's really trigger craziness.

And I know I sound like I'm totally giving up, but I've been really thinking a lot about the adoption idea lately. I found a few numbers for sort of local places that I could get more info, and I'm thinking of calling. At least to get some info and to see what all we're looking at for that adventure. I find myself thinking of it a lot lately and I think it could really work for us. I honestly like that idea of that than going on with a few more years of treatments and hormonal torture.

For today though, I'm going to get some work done around the house, then we're heading out because minus a trip to the post office yesterday, we've been at home not doing anything fun and in a sorta depressing state of mind. Time to snap out of it and enjoy a nice day. I feel a little better today.

Provera and lots of thoughts

I started it last night. I was very tempted to try prometrium but its not covered by the study. They offered to call it in for me and I could pay for it on my own, but I'd have had to wait till Thursday for it to come in. It wasn't in stock. So, I wanted to get this here and over with. I took the first provera pill last night and opted to take it at supper time to see if maybe that helps with the side effects. It made me sleepy and I was in bed at a decent time. I woke up with a slight headache, but I don't know that it was really the provera that did that. My back is sore too. I think we need a new bed. This mattress is like 15 yrs old or more, and just not cutting it anymore.

We had a chance to talk last night. If I don't respond this round, I probably won't try meds again. Unless we find out that the study drug was clomid, then I won't be surprised at all by the lack of response. And I may give Femara a try. If it's Femara that I'm not responding to, then it looks like my only hope is injectibles. Right now, I'm not willing to spend that kind of money. When we talked, I pointed out that I spent the 4+ years obsessed with this, and we spent so much money. And avoided certain plans we had "just in case" I'd be pregnant around that time. I refuse to keep doing that. There's things we had wanted to do, and we're going to do them. He thinks that maybe if I get majorly distracted by a lot of other things, it will happen. I really don't think that seeing as it's been proven that I NEVER ovulate on my own. I'm not sure what I'll do after the study is over to keep things regular. Either try the herbal route, or maybe just do the bc pill for a few months to figure things out. My newest focus is getting K's new plan in effect and working well. And for myself, I want to focus on getting to the weight *I* want, which means losing around 10-15lbs. Get there and maintain it. I'll feel better about me then too. Who knows what that might do for cycles too.
We also talked about adoption. I am thinking that if we start saving for something big, I'd be more likely to try that than the hard core IF treatments. I feel like there is more guarantee with that. Sure it's probably a hard route as well, but I have more hope for that. The idea is growing on me more too. Of course, that could take a year or 2 to become a real step of action.

I'm just feel extremely mad at this whole situation. I did confide in a friend about it, who happens to be pregnant, and she acted as if she should keep her distance since she is pregnant. I'm not trying to push people away. I still want to hear the details and see the pics or whatever. I'm not mad about those who want and can provide for their children being able to have another easily. That doesn't bother me. What really gets me is what I've been hearing a lot about in the past few weeks of dead beat parents. The ones who don't want their kids, but won't give them up and give them a better life because they are worried about the money. They use their children to get more "free" money. The kids suffer and that's what isn't fair. That whole subject makes me really bitter.
So anyway, those of you who read this who do know me, please don't feel like you have to hide your good news or baby related things from me. I still want to hear all that and I am going to be fine. I don't want to be isolated because of infertility. There was a time that seeing any pregnant woman or seeing a baby upset me, but I'm passed that. I will be ok!

Going to scream

I got an email this morning with results, and this is part of it:


"Your progesterone was only 0.4, so no signs of an ovulation. We can do one of two things: 1. Start Provera bring on another period and then restart drug at the next highest dose for the final cycle. 2. If you think you were starting to ovulate or something then recheck progesterone next week and then if nothing, go ahead with provera. Dr L said best to not wait and just start the provera and move to next highest dose."

So nothing happened!!!!! I know it's a little early since it was only day 21. But, I felt the most of the pains and thought if something happened, that it was last Thursday. I do not have the usual symptoms of the progesterone increase. Usually for me, when I ovulate, that ovary does not have as many of the PCOS cysts. Yesterday both had over 20. The left they weren't able to get a real measurement on the largest to see for sure, and it was questionable if that was the one. They said based on my cramping if it did happen, it could be possible it was that one. The right was only at 10 in measurements, and I don't feel anything more on that side. So I'm thinking we're really out again this month. The lining supposedly looked good, but seeing as the progesterone is low, and I have thick lining again, it's not good. I probably need a full provera cycle to get things going. Last month I only did a few days because of the spotting. And the period was different. I honestly don't know what to think at this point. The lining part with my history makes me think that we're out.
I wasn't expecting a low number. This completely sucks. I will get this last round and then it's all over, and I'm not sure I feel like trying anything more on our own. Maybe I'll give the herbal route a try.

Waiting...again....

Today has felt incredibly long. I was up early and out of here at 6:30 to go to my appt. Ended up being late because they have reconfigured the parking and the new patient lot is about 1/2 mile away. At least I ended up getting a nice walk in. Since I was a few mins late, there wasn't any waiting and the doctor was already up there ready for the u/s.

Based on the u/s, things are looking good. The left ovary was somewhat hidden and hard to determine a size of the follicle. It was definitely large enough and they think it was post ovulatory. Lining looks really great and apparently that looks like it's post ovulation as well. He said it was perfect for this point in the cycle. Right ovary has another follicle, but doesn't look like it's released and isn't really that big. It was over 10, but not by much. I've started feeling some twinges on that side late last night and on the way in today. Not sure what to think of that.
This time I have pics of the lining and the right ovary. If I knew it was possible I'd have asked each time!

I'm still waiting to hear back about the P4 results. Hopefully they are high. Our timing was "perfect" and we can't really get much better than that. This just has to work. This month was the first one of this whole thing that I didn't have any interruptions of weirdness. It will probably hit hard if this doesn't work. Because we really can't do much more on our end.

Other appt news is I'm down 2lbs. Even with really bad eating lately, staying busy must be helping. I talked to her about the insulin resistance part of PCOS because I've been wondering what my results were for that. It was never said, just that all results were in normals. She looked it up and said that I don't have to worry at all there. So that's good to know. Basically they say that I'm not a typical PCOS patient and a lot is a surprise when it comes to me. Nice to know.....I guess that means I'm special. Or something. Ha. She asked if I needed anymore tests and I got sent home with 2. Feed the obsession.

So now we wait. It's too late for me to hear anything else about the results today. I'm going to try to avoid testing till at least the end of next week. Like, cd 33 maybe. That would be the 25th. We will see if I can make it that long.

Long week

Oh I'm so glad that it is Friday. The end of this week was extremely stressful and trying. Not just K's outbursts because he had a fairly good day today, but it seems like everything triggered my mood. I'm just burnt out with everything and need a break. We all need a break. We can't get away and do our vacation this year till September though so somehow I need to get a handle on things in other ways. There is just so much on my mind and it's overwhelming to the point that I can't even let it all out. It's stuck. So this is going to be one of those random posts.

I'm working on a plan for a schedule for us during the days since the therapist says that K will thrive on structure and staying busy. We've found some new friends and it worked out for both me and him, so we're hoping we can get together more regular with them. That will help.

Monday I have my appt. I have lots on my mind that I want to bring up. I'm thinking that IF something happened, it was yesterday. Still a little achy but those stabbing pains are gone. I hope that it's not too early for the P4 on Monday. I hate to drive the whole way back a week later for 1 min blood draw. There was a mix up with my last blood draw that I chanced with a local lab, and we JUST got the results on that today. Idiots were faxing the results to the phone number apparently, even though I have a copy of the form that in all caps listed the to "please fax the results to (study nurse) at (fax number)" and if there was any questions feel free to call at (phone number). It took several calls today and they finally got it straight and we have results. If that wouldn't have been found and resent, I could have been voided out of this for not having proper documentation of everything. So I'm not sure I want to risk going back there.

Tonight is another long night because my husband is going to be working a long overnight shift. He came home, ate and went to bed. It's about time for him to get up and leave again. Going to be a lonely night. But maybe I'll steal the whole bed and sleep good without someone snoring. Or waking me up in the early morning with leaving. I have not been sleeping that great with everything on my mind either.

Enough rambling for now. After he leaves, I think I'll go to bed. Hopefully the weekend will be a turning point from this week.

Day 17

It's day 17 and I was woke up by twinges. And I also have some weird boob pain already, and some cramping. I'm not sure if all that is a good sign or a bad one, but for now, I'm just waiting. We've covered our bases, and the plan is to do so until we're told it looks good. I refuse to let anything stand in the way and ruin this time around. I'm hoping the higher dose is doing it's job. Today the twinges are on the left side. Monday is my appt. I need high progesterone vibes now. What I'm really hoping for now is that everything on Monday shows that it did happen, that we're really waiting for good this time, and that I don't have to go back for a re-check the following week. If I have to go back a week later for blood work because of a missing period, awesome. But I don't want it to be like last round. And this time I'm not believing that u/s till I have good blood work results to back it up.

Has to work

I'm in a crappy mood tonight. I'm really frustrated by a few things. #1 is this ttc insanity. I just want it to work already. We're both tired and exhausted. And now we have to fit in basically a whole week of "homework" whether we feel like it or not. The planning of it is getting old. We'd probably have a better chance of things if it was all up to when it was actually wanted just for fun....I had some twinges today that was hard enough that it got my attention while driving, so I'm hoping that means something is going on. Timing wise we're making it work, so it better work this time. I only have one more freebie try after this. And I honestly don't know that we will invest anymore into it for a while. A break is much needed after this is over if it doesn't work.

The next thing that's giving me a lot of issues is now the problems with K. We had our appt today where D & I went alone and talked about a plan of action. It sounds overwhelming and I'm afraid it makes K think everyone is against him when we start it. We have to sit down and have a family meeting before this goes in effect. He has to know all the new rules and what is going to happen if he doesn't listen, and then it has to be handled consistently. I will admit that we do change the consequences on him, and I can see where that is wrong. The new plan sounds like it can work, minus a few adjustments that I'll be making since I don't agree on a few of the suggestions made today. We will go from there.
I have noticed a difference in him when we keep him insanely busy. He had tons of play time with other kids in the past week and today we met up with new friends and he had a blast. He was very easy to get to bed tonight and calm while home. So I think this will all be easy to control, and hopefully by the time school starts, there isn't any issues at all.
I feel like I'm rambling nonsense at this point. I stayed up way too late last night, and overslept this morning. I finally feel the exhuastion and I'm going to bed early. I'm burnt out.

A little gain

I've been weighing each Monday for longer than I can even remember. I think it started back when I hit the weight loss harder and my mom was doing WW. I just weighed in Mondays because that was her check in day. Anyway, this weekend has me up 2lbs. I figured it would, and really 2 isn't that big of a deal, but I fought hard to get to the "normal" range, and am barely holding a little under that high number that will push me over into overweight again. I worked too hard to let go, so those 2lbs do bother me. The only way I'm going to be comfortable with seeing that scale start to climb again is if I'm pregnant. So, I must lay off the bad stuff. I decided if I can't be pregnant right now, I will focus more of my energy and obsession on losing the last 10 that I wanted to lose. 10lbs down and maintaining that would be awesome and I would not complain again about that number!
We're hoping to do a beach trip the first week in Sept again this year, so I have time to make this happen. Of course I'll welcome something to interrupt my plans. Just have to add that again lol.

The food that really did me in this weekend was the 2 desserts we made from the Pioneer Womans blog....I would totally recommend trying these 2, but be fair warned, they are BAD!
First one is Strawberry Shortcake Cake. So so sooooo good. We finished up the strawberries from our garden in this and wish I would have found it earlier. Or maybe I don't. If I did, I'd have made it way too often and been like 10lb gain instead of my 2. The other was Chocolate Peanut Butter Pie. Another drool worthy recipe. It was crazy sweet though. If you like peanut butter fudge, the filling part tastes like fudge. We also had a ton of things on the grill, homemade baked mac & cheese, pasta salad, chips, and lots of other bad things I should have avoided. It was good though.
I think after lunch I'm going to go out and run around the yard for the afternoon with K and hopefully help lose those 2lbs. And it will wear him out and make him sleep good tonight. Yeah...that's what I'll do. Its a beautiful day here. :)

Forgetting

This cycle is different. I'm not constantly thinking of it. I keep forgetting what day I'm on and have to check my journal. I'm not marking anything down journal wise other than the required info for the study journal. My own journal has been ignored. I honestly don't know if anything is going on this round. It's day 13 and I haven't had any of those stabbing obvious pains like past cycles. BUT, last round I did several times, and nothing came of that. So who knows. We're covering our bases and that's about it. No charting, no opks, nothing special. I'm staying busy and distracted with other things. It's working.
The want for another child is still there. I still think of that all the time. But the obsession is gone I think. So tonight I load my pics from the weekend and this one gets me desperate again. It just has to happen and I just have to get another chance to experience all the baby things again. Here's a picture of my niece that I took yesterday. My husband was holding her and she was cooing and smiling like crazy at me. So stinkin cute.
I think I'm in trouble with this one. Some little girl is going to get extremely spoiled. And little girl stuff is so so cute. I can't wait till she gets some hair because I have a link saved for itty bitty bows. I had several hours of baby yesterday and spent a good 45 mins on the couch resting with her while she napped. Apparently I was comfy to sleep on.

We had a really good weekend with lots of activity. K had a blast and is beyond exhausted. Thursday we went to a friends house and babysat another friends baby. Friday we were extremely busy around the house and went to see fireworks. Saturday we had a cookout and my cousin, who I think is not quite a year older than him was here and they played for 3-4 hrs non stop. He met his match with her because she is actually more hyper than she is. Then we kept keeping him awake to see the big fireworks last night. Today he got up early and went for breakfast with my parents. Busy works well for him because he's too distracted to act out too much. It's good because we have a busy week planned this week too. Story of our lives lately.
Tuesday I have the next appt with his therapy, which will be me and D alone to discuss the behavior plan and ways to distract the bad behavior.
I think it's time for bed now though because I'm beyond exhausted too. It's been a long week. I hope the next couple goes by fast.

Busy week

I'm still around. Slacking as usual lately.
Today is day 10. I had to look that up to see. I guess that means "homework" starts. I'm not hopeful this time, and just at this point want the whole study to be over. I'm tired of all this. I was doing really good with the healthy eating and losing weight. I was close to my real goal. Really close! But, between the meds and the craziness around here, I've been craving, and eating, junk again. I have to get back on track after this weekend. I feel like crap about it all right now.

We went today to my friends house who lives 2 hrs away. I had also babysat for another friend and took her 9 month old along. We had a great day and I even stopped at target with K and the baby. And I survived! I determined that it was easy and I can totally do it. And I had a blast with the baby for the day. I use to avoid doing this but it actually helps me lately. And K loves it too. I think it's good for him.

I've been tired and fighting insomnia again. I actually think after today I might be able to sleep and am going to bed early tonight. I have lots to do tomorrow to prepare for a cookout on the 4th. It's not going to be that big of a deal, but my niece is coming so I'll have more time to obsess over a baby. I've been told she's really smiling and interacting now so it will be fun. I figure I might as well let the bitterness go totally away and enjoy the time they are around.

I'll be posting more next week. I'm still thinking on a way to change and design the blog. Maybe some changes will come next week too. I hope everyone has a great weekend!