It's been a week

It's been a really difficult week.  But out of the sad parts, is a new hope.  We have decided we are not waiting for a puppy.  We found a breeder who was really great, and have decided we will get our new furbaby next weekend.  I needed a little time to prepare, and it's extra expense we had not planned on. 
The breeder is really awesome.  They stopped me and said that before I started with all my questions, they really wanted to know more about my "baby".  They wanted to know Zoey's name, lots about her, how we got her, how we decided on the breed, etc.  She was very nice to talk to, even though I cried.  She said that she would really love it if we decided to adopt from her, because she knows we are an incredible home and that this baby will have a perfect life.  She said she's more than willing to wait an extra week, and that it just means she gets a little more time with her.  And that it's also hard for her to give them up.  They do not believe in over breeding their dogs, and only have a new litter every 3 years, give or take.  They work from home so these puppies are extremely loved and social. 

I picked up a crate yesterday, and have talked to the local pet supply guy and found a really good food to feed her.  She will not be having the grocery store crap like Zoey had started out on.  I am not messing around with anything that's been on a recall list, or that is going to cause more problems.  I trust this guy.  He had a big breed dog, that lived to be over 17 yrs old without issues till the end.  I totally feel that he knows what he's talking about, and that we will end up with more time.  I feel we were cheated out of time with Zoey, and if I could go back in time, there is a lot of changes I would make.  I feel horrible that I didn't do more research and make it the best for her back then.  I was stupid. 

I know that Zoey hated to see us sad.  She would do anything she could to make us smile and be happy.  So I know she would want this for us, because we're not happy here.  I can not stand being home alone.  I'm slacking majorly in everything with the normal day to day stuff.  Kristopher is in a state of depression.  Even my husband is different.  We just don't know what to do in a pet free home.  We need this puppy now, and while my mind says I should wait, my heart says it's time and I'm going with that.  I don't know how we will function for several more months without something...
I know it's not replacing her, and I'll miss her like crazy forever.   This week seems to have gone by quickly, but it feels like forever since she's been here.  Since I've pet her, or held her, or snuggled and kissed her.  It's just not fair. 

Very bad time

This is so hard to do. My sweet baby girl died on Friday morning. She got sick almost 2 weeks ago, and we treated it just like any other normal belly issue. The meds didn't work, so we went to the vet. She also had started falling while walking, and body was failing her. We tried some steriod treatment because even the vet had felt it was just her typical belly problems, and arthritis starting to kick in. We kept her on a bland diet, and she was loving all the "real food". Her sweet face was so so so so happy when we got her food out and warmed it up. She loved it. Then, she started falling more, and while she tried to go potty. She was humilated, and looked so sad and so sorry. A few days later, she started throwing up. Her food was not digesting. It was 2 days worth of whole food. So I knew there was a problem. They tried a new med, for an ulcer because it's common for dogs with her issues and the steriod mix, to get them. Next day, more throwing up, and could not keep down water or the pills. So we went last Thursday night to the vet again. This time she was so out of it that I had to carry her in. She was so sad and so sick. They did a blood work up, and determined that she was severely anemic, and also had very progressed kidney failure. Apparently as they get sick, each time it effects the kidney's more and more. She also had some other elevated numbers, but I don't remember all about that. I just know that they compared her to a person who would need dialasis 2 times per day. There was no hope. I chose to try fluids and a shot to ease her pain so she could have one more night at home. I honestly expected to get fluids and a shot to stop her belly problems, and that she would be back to normal by this point. I had not prepared myself for anything more, and Kristopher didn't get to say a proper goodbye. Neither did Dennis. So, I begged them to help her be able to come home for one last night.
She was still so tired and weak, so Dennis carried her in. We talked to her and cried with her for a while. He went to bed and I stayed up till 2am. I slept till about 3:30 when he got ready to go, and him telling her his goodbye just in case he wasn't back home in time, was so heart breaking. I stayed up at that point because she was not sleeping soundly, and looked like she was slipping away. By the time Kristopher got up, she managed to get herself up and go visit him for one last morning book time. They would always spend the first half hour to 45 mins together in his room. Special one on one time, where he would read to her, and sit on the floor and snuggle with her. It was a favorite time for them and for me as well. I love that he had such a strong bond with her. And I love that she made it possible for that last morning. I think he will remember that forever. She also followed him around as he got ready for school. It was like she knew, and wanted to spend the time with him so she knew he was ok. I did not tell him what was happening, just that she was going back to the vet for another medicine to try to help her not hurt.
We dropped him off for school, and I picked up my mom and went. The original plan was to wait till afternoon when Dennis could come home from work and go with me. The way she was feeling that morning, I knew it wasn't fair to make her wait. There was things at work that were impossible to avoid, so my mom was there with me. It happened around 9:30am. She didn't fight it, and right before she went limp and was gone, the pain had vanished. There was a spark of excitement that I haven't seen in her eyes in a while. I swear she saw something in that final second. She made eye contact with me, and I saw the pain was gone, and then she got sleepy. And her head fell into my hands....and I couldn't feel her breathing anymore. It was over. My sweet baby girl had died. I held her that way for a little, but I couldn't stay there long. She felt different very fast. And the stuff they inject leaked a little from her paw because her vein had not been strong enough to last the whole time. I kind of regret now that I left so quickly after. I would give anything to feel her one more time. Or kiss her. I gave her a ton of kisses and petted her and told her how much I love her and how wonderful she was. She was truly the best dog I could ever have asked for. She was there for me when my life was impossible. She was there when no one else could understand my pain. And now i'm hurting more than ever and she's not here. I don't know how to do it.
I came home that day and walked into the empty house and I can honestly say that I no longer love this house. It doesn't feel like home right now. It's just so so quiet. I still have her toys out, but I think tomorrow some will be packed away. I'm saving her 2 favorite special toys and need to think of something special to do with those. I also brought home her collar and it's wrapped on a wolf stuffed toy that looks so much like her.
Telling Kristopher was harder than the entire process of leading up to it and watching her go. We picked him up together and when he came out of school he ran to me asking how Zoey was doing. I told him we would talk at home and he looked at me and asked why I looked so sad. I told him I was so sorry and he started crying. "Why are you crying mommy?? Zoey didn't make it did she?????" When I said I was sorry again, he cried so hard that Dennis had to carry him to the car and into the house when we were home. He went on to tell me later that night that life is horrible and that it's not fair. That it was the worst day in his entire life and all he wants is the love she gave him. She made him feel better anytime he was hurt and now she's not here and it's not fair. I told him I feel the same way, and told him that I'm always here for him. He's been coming to my room in the mornings because he's too sad to sit in his room and read to himself. We talk and cry and then we start our day. he can distract himself with his games, but I haven't found a distraction yet. Bedtime is equally as hard for me because she would always sit with me at night, and when I was ready for bed, she would come back and sleep next to me. Her bed is there, but it's so empty and sad.

I have started searching for puppies. We planned all along to buy one this fall/winter/as soon as they were ready. I feel so horrible for trying this soon. But I need something else here. It's never going to replace her. But maybe it can make me feel better to have that puppy to snuggle and love, and it to love me back. I can have something that needs me.

Kristopher has been kind of upset with me. Very short tempered and very mean when I upset him. Any form of rules have been hard on him. I'm trying hard to keep myself from yelling, but it's getting very frustrating. I'm not the bad guy in this. He can talk to me first thing in the morning and open up, but then he keeps it all shut inside. I'm hoping to get him into an extra therapy appt this week.
This has been so hard to write, and I left out a bunch of what I'm feeling and want to say. Maybe I'll write more about it later. For now, I need to distract myself and try to sleep. I hope she's ok, and hope she still is around here. I hope she won't be upset when we get another puppy. I hope that getting one soon is not a mistake. I just know that I hurt, and have such an empty feeling. None of this is fair. I did everything right, she had the best foods, best vet care, best everything. I loved her and treated her just like a child. I did not lose my dog. I lost my daughter. And most people just do not understand that.

Bad news

Tomorrow Zoey is being put to sleep. I haven't blogged about it because I was hoping it would change, and she would bounce back like always. But she has not. The vet did blood work tonight and we found out she is in pretty bad shape. Severe anemia, and kidney failure. I wasn't prepared for that news, so I did something I feel so horrible about at the moment. They gave her some fluids, a shot of something strong, and sent us home for one more night. Dennis didn't get to say a proper goodbye before we left tonight because we thought it was all going to be ok. Kristopher didn't really say goodbye at all when we left, so I felt that they needed this last night.
I of course cried the entire way home, and haven't stopped yet. She's very drugged and sleeping peacefully right now. I hope she has a good night, and tomorrow is over very quickly. I feel like the most terrible person in the world right now because I have to decide this for her. She's not the same anymore and I know she's slowly starving to death, so I have to do what is right.
How do I do it though? And how do I come in this house alone? Life will never be the same without her. She's been with me thru the very hardest points of my life. And now I have to make the decision to end it all. It's not fair.

Round 2

Ultrasound showed that I have bad ovaries. They did not respond. I actually have more of the tiny stupid cysts circling. 42 on my left. FORTY TWO!!! Seriously crazy.
Lining was very thing, and progesterone came back 0.2 or 0.02. I forget. So low that no period was in sight though. Because of my past history with provera, and the thin lining already, the doctor had decided we will just start meds tonight. So, up to 100mgs clomid and round 2 starts. I'm hoping a few things this time. Obviously, I hope that I respond and it works and I have a positive test by my birthday (late October), but also I hope that the side effects are lower this time. It's been stressful enough here lately and the hormone craziness is not helping. So, more to come later.
Kristopher visited a friend after school and it's finally time to get him. I did nothing productive in my free time. I'm horrible.

A fail

I don't think this round had any success. I do not feel like there is any progestrone increase going on, and no other signs of something positive going on. I feel rather blah and moody too.
Blood work and u/s on Tuesday, and I'm dreading it. I do not want to go thru the provera craziness, but I have no other choice at this time. That's all that is authorized while on the study. And 10 day dose at that.

I guess this month not working is ok though. I've had a lot of stress, and just all around not been a good round. And, when I thought something may have been going on, I was not in the mood what so ever and it just sucks to have to do stuff just because we HAVE to. It just feels wrong. So, hopefully we just get it over with very quickly if it's a fail. Move past it and onto better times.

Clomid this time

I'm annoyed with it. I feel really different and blah. My mood is seriously horrible, I feel half dizzy most of the time. I don't have any interest in being friendly with people, and would rather keep to myself.
I have lost all interest in sex. And it's kinda just dried up everything there anyway. But, I have the boob sensitivity starting, and some weird twinges here and there in the ovaries. So I have forced myself this weekend. I'm only taking 50mgs, and never had any real issues with it in the past. I'm confused. I hope that it works because the more months I have to deal with this, the less I'm going to feel like continuing to try. It's extremely frustrating.

The party

Finally, pictures from Kristopher's birthday. This year, his big want has been a DS. A little back story. I babysit a kid occasionally who is also an only child. By choice because it was made very clear that he was not planned and she found out "too late" to do anything about it. So, he's been in daycare from the start, even when he didn't need to be, and instead of tons of love, she buys him everything instead. So, when Kristopher started being around this kid, it was always dramatic. I had been on the verge of saying not to come back again, when they clicked and became really good friends. It's great for them because they need to know as only children, they are not the only ones out there that way. Kristopher is 6 months older, but this kid is always competing. It's always "i have that too" or "i have more of those" or "mine is so much better."
Lately, Kristopher has been feeling crappy about that and like he is lower than everyone else. So, he was asking for a ds because this kid has one with "like, every single game for boys." Oh and the kid gets everything, but it's the cheapest of what he is asking for just to say he has it. So, when K started asking for the ds, and we kept hearing the constant competition crap, we decided we would go a step up. We ended up with an incredible deal on a DSi XL, and we got a bunch of extras to customize it and found a couple of his must have mario games. So that was the big gift this year and it was more than we could have hoped for with happiness. The kid absolutely loved it and could not believe we made it happen. And that it was BETTER than what his friend has. (I know that is kinda bad that we actually made a point to do that, but I refuse to sit here and let my kid think he is always getting crappy stuff or missing out because we won't spend hundreds of dollars just to keep him out of our hair.)
So anyway, sorry that became a huge vent. Here is him immediately after he opened it. He was kinda annoyed because the case looks like a purse and he was confused. He never saw the cases before.
Then, he opened it and was sooooo happy to see that it was a DS. And "it's bigger!"
So then there is the cake. He has been a huge mario phase lately. I wanted to make an awesome yoshi cake, but because we had 2 extra kids here leading up to the party, I didn't have time or patience to do that. We couldn't order an actual mario cake, so we ordered a cake with green and blue, and then bought the mario toys for toppers. It was a huge hit and turned out awesome.

He was beyond excited. And there is his little friend who was mentioned above....Notice the size difference. Kristopher is very tall for his age.Amazingly enough, the party turned out great. I had the 2 little ones that weekend, and his friend had spent the night. I didn't get to do the cake I wanted, and was not able to go all out with the mario theme, but he loved his party and had an awesome birthday. It's so hard to believe it's already been 7 years. Time goes entirely too fast.
And while I'm not encuraging him to be rude towards others, it felt pretty good when he said to the kid that his is better and made the kid speechless for a change. I did find out that 2 days later, he was telling his mother that he wants a newer one because Kristopher's is better and that's not fair. And she said tough luck. Ha.

Some changes

I am lacking in updates. A quick one so I can keep track and document everything properly.
Kristopher's still in therapy, and the anxiety and worry seems to be greater now that school has started. He's just not himself. He is excited about school, but not the same way as last year. When we ask him how his day was, he says it was great, he didn't get in trouble and he's working hard with his behavior. That's never a problem. He does his work quickly and spends a lot of his extra time reading.
I'm glad he likes school. But I feel uneasy. I also feel like he isn't truly happy. It's hard to explain the change, but it's not sitting well with me. I want to see that spark and excitement again. I want him to love school.
I think at this point it is getting boring to him. He is just there to do what they say, and doesn't really feel any challenge at all. I know it's just the beginning, but with how I am feeling, we've called a meeting between the principal, guidance councilor and his teacher. His therapist wants him IQ tested this year. She wants to get him in a learning level that challenges him, and keeps him from being bored. The fear we have is that he is going to just quit trying because it's too easy. He will get lazy and when he does catch up to his learning level, it will be too late for him to care the way he did last year.
I was expecting the worst when I called because the therapist said if they give me any drama, there will be a formal letter submitted by her, and they would be forced to do more. They accepted my request with no drama and seem more than willing to help me out. So now, I hold my breath till I get the call about an actual time. It's scary. I just want to get a settled happy feeling about school. And I want the best for him.

September already!

Wow time flies. Here's an update.
September 1st, new baby born. 6 weeks from now, I'll be watching him too. Kinda scary but very exciting. He's sooooo tiny compared to the other giants.

The 2nd. Kristopher had his 7 year physical. He's 56lb and slightly over 51 inches. They say he's healthy and finally gained a little bit of weight. He's eating a lot better so hopefully that goes up some more. He is very tall, making his weight in the normal range and they are not concerned, but his ribs show so bad, and he looks starved. So skinny.
After the appt I dropped off some cupcakes at school and spent the day running around crazy to get ready for Saturday.

Saturday, the 3rd. My baby turned 7. He had a small, but really nice party. I'll post pictures tomorrow.

Sunday, finished up my clomid.

Here we are Wednesday. Lots of flooding here today. I spent the day with the kids and the baby. She ended up with a csection, and no one wants her home alone with all the kids yet. So we're caring for them in shifts. It was interesting. All I can say about that.
No feelings yet on if the clomid is going to work. I am hoping with everything I have, that this is it. I doubt it though. I don't feel anything yet. We're down to just over 2 weeks till I go back.

updates to come tomorrow or Friday. I have 6-8 weeks off, so I have tons of time to catch up now.