Wow!!! Crazy Workout!!

I'm dedicating the hour after Kristopher goes to bed to trying to give it a true effort at working out and losing weight. Tonight I forced myself to do another 1/2 hr on the elliptical. I done 2.78 mile and burnt 336.8 calories. Then, I came upstairs and decided to try out this wii active challenge game I bought. I set it to medium work out, and started the 30 day challenge.
Let me just say. I can do a lot and not sweat like a man. This game had me sweating like crazy. And it was on medium work out. My whole body is shakey. I was hungry before I started working out and now I'm feeling really exhausted and full. No interest in a late night snack. That's a very good thing.
So, today I feel better. And I feel accomplished again. I hope I can stick to this.
Off to clean the kitchen and get ready for bed. I think I'll need another shower too.
Note to self. Don't bother showering till AFTER work out tomorrow night. Ok? Thanks.

Snow day

Today was a snow day. Nice wake up call at 6am saying school decided to close. All in all, we got between 4-6 inches. It's finally over. Tomorrow is already scheduled as a 2 hour delay. Part of me is hoping they cancel, but at the same time, a delay will be fine as well.

W-2 came today. I filed taxes tonight. Hurray for nice deposit in 7-10 days. Perfect timing too with our horrible winter time electric bill.

I didn't work out tonight. I woke up with a wonderful cold and sinus issues and now that I've gotten everything else done, I decided I'll take a break. They say not to overdo things anyway.

Past 3 days now I have remembered to take my vitamin again. And vit C as well. Already my nails are growing nicely again. They have been splitting and started to look nasty. Maybe in a few weeks I'll order and restart the herbs.

I caved and bought another gallon of tea tonight. I just can not cut it out cold turkey. It was only one glass so I feel ok.

I just realized how late it truly was. I better get to bed just in case the roads are clear enough for the little people to make it in the morning. If not, I'm sleeping till at least 8am. Yay!

Tuesday

This week seems to be seriously dragging. But, I've accomplished a lot.
I did not eat a ton of junk. I caved right before supper and ate some bad stuff, but not a lot. I have also stuck to mostly water. I had one glass of tea, and it's the last of it. I don't plan on buying anymore. If I get too bad, I can make some. I don't like that as much, so chances are I'll just stick to water.
I have a caffeine headache.
I worked out this evening. 1/2 hr on the elliptical, and I'd have to look up what I wrote down the miles/caleries burned to be. But, I feel the burn, and am exhausted now.
In other news, I have a ton of orchids blooming. I have been meaning to sit down and do a photoshoot, but little kids everywhere lately and it's impossible to get into that with them around. I'm off tomorrow, so maybe I'll work at that.
They are also calling for snow. Yippie! I have a morning meeting at the school to help with starting the yearbook, and then the afternoon free. I'm hoping they do not cancel school. If anything, probably let out after lunch. That would work perfect for me.
Off to finish cleaning and get ready for bed. My butt is dragging.

Blah

This is how I feel lately. I guess technical term is depression. I'll admit it. Maybe that's the first step to overcoming this crap.
In the past year, I've started hiding out more, not caring about anything, and just drowning in this horrible mood and attitude. I'm sick of it. This weekend I finally weighed myself for the first time in like 3 months. It was BAD. A year and half ago when the study ended, I was 10lbs away from hitting my *Ideal* weight. Something I haven't been in so many years. Now, I need to lose 30-35 to hit that. I have gained at least 20lbs. It's scary. What is so weird is my jeans still fit. I've just created a wonderful muffin top and getting some nasty thighs. I feel absolutely disgusting. I quit taking my herbs, quit taking the vitamins, and am eating and drinking junk. Caffeine is my best friend I've recently discovered McDonalds caramel mochas. McDonalds is very close, so I've been hitting that several times a week. Not only is it extremely bad, it's also getting expensive. I have to stop.
So, between that weight wake up call, and um, day time "adult time", I'm grossed out enough to do something about this. I have some nice exercise equipment partially set up in the basement. I have a wii and the active challenge game that has never been played. I have P90x that I started for a whole whopping 2 days, and then quit. It's time to use this crap.
Tonight I spent a half hour on the gazelle elliptical thing, and did 2.36 mile, and burnt 286 calories. My legs are like jello and steps are hard to do. I feel totally weak and exhausted. I took my vitamin and drank a ton of water. I feel accomplished for tonight.
Tomorrow I'm going to cut back the caffeine. I'm too busy and too dependant to cut it out completely just yet. Cut back should be good enough for now. I'm going to try to do this elliptical thing every evening. Half hour a day should help. We will see what I can squeeze in of other things. I can't wait for spring so I can walk in the evenings. I find it so much easier and more relaxing than this stupid machine.
And, I'm going to try harder to blog more frequently. If I can clear my mind completely, maybe I'll feel better. There's a lot going on in my mind and a lot of stress. I need to get past this. I feel like crap.
And, over the weekend I relocated a ton of Kristopher's baby videos. I'm want to get healthier so that we can revisit that subject again. I'm not ready to quit just yet. I can't find peace with things the way they are just yet. My mental stop point is 2 yrs away. So I have 2 yrs to figure that out. For now, must get healthier.....

And now it's Friday night

Interesting week. My new attitude is working out better for me, and I've set some new rules in action for the babysitting. I now get to sleep in till 7-7:30 if I truly wanted, and Kristopher has less drama and noise first thing in the morning. The little kids get to sleep in a little and get about an hour extra with their mom in the mornings. She is only going to be here for like 15 mins before going to work. Less drama all around and hopefully everyone is less stressed.
I had a much better start to the morning, Kristopher woke up about 20 mins later than he had been and he also had a great day. The kids both came in pretty good moods as well.
I made a few other requests and I think things will go better for everyone.
My new approach is I will not keep my issues locked up. If it bothers me enough, I'm going to say something. If people get annoyed, then oh well. I think things are going to be better though.

I think it's safe to say that I've got Danielle potty trained now. At least here. It's been work in progress, but it's been about 5-6 weeks of her wearing underwear and we've only had 1 accident. Home is still an issue because she isn't asked frequently enough, but all I care about at this time is that she does great for me, both here and when we go away, and it's less diapers to deal with. 2 in diapers was hard! She's also started talking like crazy, and I find it pretty fun and hilarious with her new words. My least favorite word this week would be "Why??" Kristopher never really got into that one....

I had a weird spam thing the other day based on my blogger profile. It was interesting. Luckily I'm smart enough to not fall for it.

Cycle/TTC wise. It's day 9. I didn't really post much on it lately, but it was an ugly start. I spotted for several days to about a week. It was a very bad period. I also ended up with a yeast infection somehow and I panicked. How exactly does one treat that while having that issue at the same time? I was not about to waste the $20 on a kit just to have it not work, and decided to call the dr first. They were nice enough to just call in a script for me for the pill, and it finally seems to work. It wasn't really a full blown infection, but I had the uncomfortableness and pain. Still lingering and I just took my 2nd pill. It's day 3 of that treatment. Interesting though. Ugh.
TTC....I'm still in a stuck point. I'm not sure what I want anymore. Of course there is that part of me that would love more than anything to get to experience it all again. But I'm questioning if I should at this point. Kristopher is getting older and if there would be another, we're at the point now that there would be at least 7 years between kids. I didn't want that. We're also getting into a lot more expense and other stuff, so I worry about the money aspect of things. And then there is the fact I have nothing and would start over. Completely. And the lack of sleep. I am really starting to value my sleep.....I just don't know. Right now I'm going with whatever happens, happens, but well...I just don't know.
And another thing. If I didn't need the possibility of maternity coverage, I could get a very much cheaper insurance policy. Just a lot of random thinking lately.
I'm tired and have a ton of things planned for tomorrow. Off to bed and hopefully a goods night sleep.

Thursday

This morning when my alarm went off, it gave me a little hope....I have one more day of getting up early, and then the much needed weekend will be here. Yay!
My good mood was quickly crashed when the kids came in the worst moods ever. I'm still bitter on the favor drama last Friday/weekend, and getting fed up with how some people feel is ok to parent. I'm in no ways a perfect parent, but a few things I believe is that a child needs appropriate sleep, and appropriate discipline when they are being totally out of line. Bad behavior should not be ignored just because you don't feel like dealing with it and stressing yourself out before work. And walking away from it is not a good thing either. When you choose to be a parent, you are in it for the good days and the bad. Some days your kid is going to be upset with you. It's part of the title.
So because of attitude, it's an early nap time today. Or back to bed. Whatever you decide to call it. Clearly she is majorly sleep deprived.

But enough on that. Yesterday was my day off, and I went to the school for the morning. I am going to be helping make the yearbook, and I took the time to talk to the guidance councilor while in there. Kristopher's been acting moody and mean at home lately again, and I wanted to see if she had any advice. Plus, I have been really wanting to talk to someone about the night terrors. Which still happen from time to time. Something is bothering him and he won't say, so she is going to try to talk to him and see what's up.
She also said that he is one that really worries. If there is a schedule change, he needs to know why, what is going to happen instead, when things are made up, etc. It throws him off. Yesterday was a delay. He was exceptionally nuts yesterday morning. He was worried we would be late. He was upset he was missing his special class, and reading class. He was worried they might close school. He ended up having his warning light on at school because he just wasn't in his normal good mood and attitude for being there. I'm hoping for a better day today...

Another Kristopher thing is the other day the baby discovered that Kristopher is a pretty cool kid. He attacks when we get home, and loves to go hug him, and hang at him. He thinks it's hilarious when Kristopher holds him. During one of the hugs, Kristopher says "awww he really loves me! This means I'm really a big brother now doesn't it?" I had to explain that it's not quite that easy, and that he is not a big brother...But it's very nice that he is so nice to the baby and that he loves him like that too. So we settled on he can call them his cousins, and he can be the cool big cousin instead. He's good with that. (I'm aunt michelle anyway in their world) Makes me sad though that he's still thinking on that too....
I guess back to bed is over....Lets hope for better attitude...

Car Changes....

A few weeks ago, we had to make some big changes for Kristopher. Today I decided to take a picture while out, of our new switch. As you can see, he has upgraded to a booster. He is so tall that he's finally maxed out the harness on his car seats. The britax in the very back, he could still fit for another inch or so, but it would not fit 3 in a row. The back row does not have latch, and the seat didn't fit tight with the incline of that seat. So, rather than put the babies in the back, or something else more inconvienent, we made the decision to get the booster. Of course none of our seats worked as a booster with 3 car seats in a row, so I had to buy something new anyway. I decided on britax parkway because it has a little clip that is used to prevent them from slipping out the bottom if the seat belt fails to lock. Plus, britax is #1 in my mind. Below you will see all 3 in britax's and the big frontier is in the back because I had picked up one of his friends at the end of the day today too. Anyway, here's what my car looks like as of this afternoon. Everyone was happy to get out for the day.
I guess he truly looks more than big enough for a booster. It makes me sad and I still mentally freak out a little. Not too many other people have made it to 6 and half years with a kid in the harness still, so I feel like I've done good. He feels "bigger" now too.
Pretty much all his friends and classmates use backless boosters, or no car seat at all. We looked at everything very closely, and a backless just gave me panic attacks thinking of him right against the door and no side impact protection. And the graco high back boosters were so flimsy and felt horrible. He didn't have much room either. So, I went with what I knew was great, and I'm so glad we did. Very highly recommended...

A new week

I've started to dread Monday's again.
Let me go back on this a little....
Lately I'm feeling used. I go out of my way to help those that I care about. I don't ask for anything in return. I feel that if you truly care about someone, then you are there when they need you. Weather it's to listen, or physically there to help. It's not about when you are bored and decide you need some excitement. I understand when things come up and you are truly busy, but when someone truly needs you, then you are suppose to be a true friend and try your best to help however you can. At least that is my belief.
I have come to realize that not many people think that way, and I definitely do not have very many people like that. Even in my own family. I honestly feel that I only have my husband, and one very close friend that I can count on. It's kinda sad with those who have vented to me and "need" me when they have issues.

Like the kids I watch. I have been close friends with their mom since we were in middle school. I've always been there. Through our friendship, there has been several times that she has not been when I've needed someone. But then comes around when it's convienient for her, and I've just accepted that. Since having Kristopher, our lives have been very different. Now that they have kids too, she kind of understands a little more, but we're still very different. I'm a stay at home mom, and I'm more than happy to watch the kids for her while she works. She wants to work full time, and is fine with the kids being away longer for breaks. My kid is in school full time, and that's a big enough break for me usually. Yes, I like when he gets to visit my parents and like that he gets the special time with them now, but I also get bored while he's gone and am always ready to have him back way before he is ready. But this is not about who is a better parent or who works and who doesn't. You can be a great parent even if you work. This is not the dispute.
I asked for a favor on Friday. Something that should be more than easy for them to do and I know it's been done a million times before to other friends and family. She acted very ok with it, and said she would either call me or text me "first thing in the morning" so I'm not waiting and could plan differently if needed. I waited, and waited, and around 10 decided to text on my own to see. No response. My phone can check status and it was read, but obviously being ignored. I wait till after 1. Try again. Same thing. By that point I'm out of time and very annoyed. It was too late to get it taken care of some other way, so we have no choice to wait till today. All weekend my question was ignored and this morning I waited for it to be brought up. It was not, even though we had an extra 45 mins to talk or whatever. So I'm annoyed. I am not asking again, and I'll figure it out on my own. It's clear I can not depend on them.
It should be different because 1, I do not charge them what anywhere else would. These kids are like family, and I have them a long time. No other at home provider would take them as long, and honestly, there isn't a daycare out there with hours as long as I would. So they are saving a TON of money here. I keep them later when she needs extra time before pick up, I'm fine with getting up earlier for her to come vent when she needs. I overlook the wild and crazy mornings while she is visiting before work, and the same with the evenings when she hangs out for up to an hour after pick up time. I feed the kids supper without expecting anything more. Because that's who I am. But the ONE TIME I need something......For being "like family" I sure do feel like I'm just some pathetic employee lately. Not truly a friend, or classified like family. So I'm annoyed. And I'm tired of being helpful. I let myself get too attached.
It's more than just this situation too, and more than just them.
I'm done being the one that everyone can depend on. Done trying to please people. I have very few "close" friends. It's time to just remember those who are trulyl there, and say screw those who are only there when it means something more to them. I don't care anymore.
So yes, it's Monday. I'm changing and this is a new outlook on things. I dread the rest of the week and few upcoming weeks while some people adjust to life with me not being a pushover anymore. Who knows how it will turn out. I hope they realize and change themselves. I hope that I don't lose these little people I've become very attached to in the process. But it's time to make people realize.
And I'm sorry in advance to those of you who do read regularly. This is my outlet, and it may take a more depressing theme for a while. Somehow though, I need to get it out. This is easier than going all crazy on someone in person...

Finally

So many times this in the past week and half, I have sat down to write something. I had planned on doing my goodbye 2010 post. And a happy new year post was in the works for 3 or more days. Everytime I sat and got to writing, something interupted my thought. So here you'll get a giant random post.

We survived the Christmas break from school and we were both ready for it to be back to school again. I'm going to have to work really hard to find thing to keep Kristopher very busy this summer, or I might be bald by the end of the break. Since school started he NEEDS that routine and structure all day. Or he ends up bouncing off the walls. The little kids routine was totally messed up during that week as well.

More on school. Kristopher is still doing really great in his new reading class. Which I have since found out was the highest level they were allowed to put him in, at a 1st grade level. He does awesome on the reading part, but usually gets an answer or 2 wrong on the comprehension tests. Usually it's something that when I go over it with him verbally, he automatically gets the right answer. I think it's just a lot to take in and not enough time in the class. He only gets a half hour of that instead of the full 45 min to hour.
We also have requested a speech folder. At his appt in December, I mentioned again that he has issues with his L's and TH's. The doctor is semi concerned that the school wouldn't help us out with some therapy options, and the school says they won't do that till he's in 2nd grade because it's developmental issues only. Plus a little to do with his underbite. So, after back and forth for a while, the therapist agreed to put together a folder of activities I can do myself. He's getting better at those when he really focuses and tries.

And I'm still babysitting, and recently started watching a friends little girl for a day or 2 a week so that the other 2 yr old can get more interaction with someone her age. She absolutely loves it and has had a major language explosion. They are so cute playing together and the days they have together are full of tea party and princess play. Very girly and watching them play and talk is so so cute. The baby is now going on 14 months and he also started to say a few things. He now says "cheese" when I have my camera, even if it's not to take his picture, and his really cute word this week was UP. Kristopher was going over his vocabulary flash cards and we got to "up". It was Kristopher telling me up, then the echo of Danielle who repeats EVERYTHING now "up", then the baby in the other side of the room says "UP!" So funny.

And now for me...
I've been mental lately. A lot has been bothering me that I feel would be wrong to totally unload on here. I'm just going through a lot in my head, and haven't been able to get past it.
I don't know if it's a mix of the usual winter blues or what it is. I just feel miserable. I'm going to be ordering my herbs again because that did help me out some. If I can't get relief that way, I think it's time for a doctor appt or something. I'm just feeling like so much is going wrong and things are against me no matter how hard I fight to make it right or better. (and this is NOT marriage related...just so no one worries there) But, I'm still here. Maybe if I push myself to blog a little more, I'll feel better. I just didn't want to turn this into a majorly depressed area.....
I'll end with a happier note now. It's snowing!!! We haven't really gotten much snow this year, and now 2 days of 1-2 inches and it's very much welcomed. My theory is if it is going to be cold, it should just snow so it's pretty out there.