I'm not fine

Even though that's what I keep saying. I'm not having a good day with things. I have a niece now. She was born at 3:01pm, and is healthy. She was 6lbs 6ozs and only 18 inches long. She's so tiny. They named her Keiana. I did go see her, only because my grandma wanted to see her. I said I wasn't going to hold her, and watched from the corner of the room, but I got pressured into holding her. Big mistake because now the fever is really bad. I don't know how I will handle it if this month doesn't work out for me. Holding her made me want it all even more. I shouldn't have gone. The bad thing is, I want to go back and hold her again. I'm crazy.
Some things were brought up tonight that made me feel like crap. And made me mad. My family just doesn't get it no matter what I share. Which is exactly why I haven't shared this blog with any of them. There was a comment that I just "HAVE to hold the baby. That it will rub off on me and maybe we will get more of them in the family". Now, that comment came from an 84 yr old, so I can't blame her too much. She's already crazy. But it still hurts. If it was that easy I wouldn't be so crazy right now.

I vented the whole way home while on the phone with my husband. I feel kind of bad that I let it out on him. He doesn't deserve to deal with it. He was just trying to make me feel better, but I really snapped and was mean tonight. I just had to clear my mind before it turned to tears while I was trying to drive home. I was more mad and upset over family than anything. Now I am going to finally go to bed and try to make up with him because I don't want him to go to work upset with me. If I go to bed feeling like I do, tomorrow is going to be bad.

And to end, here's what I'm telling myself. "I will ovulate this cycle. It is going to work. I will get pregnant this time. It WILL happen." With that, Good Night.