My husband goes to bed earlier than I would because of how early he has to be up and at work. I very rarely go to bed at the same time. With being around the important time, I'm supposed to come to bed earlier than my normal, and make sure to wake him so we can do our "homework". Well, Monday night didn't work so great. No big deal, we had the other days from the weekend covered really well, so skipping a day would probably be a good idea. So then last night comes around, and he won't wake up. He was so out of it that I just gave up and got some sleep. He gets up a little before 4, and wakes me up. Asks me why I never woke him? I was sleepy and out of it and kinda bitter about how we should just stop this month, that it's not going to work, we missed 2 days now, just forget about it for good, etc. I remember parts of it, but I'm sure it was overly dramatic and whiney for that early. He gave me a short lecture on how giving up hope so early is not a good thing, that anything is possible, and I can't think negative all the time. Shortly after that he was off to work and I'm laying there awake till close to 6am thinking about all that.
So it has me thinking more, still. I know my husband has the disappointment too each month. I know that some of the pregnancy announcements and people whining about oh no! another oops! makes him annoyed as well. And when someone asks him when K gets to be a big brother, or when is #2 coming? he usually will say back "well it's not that easy for everyone".
But, I really don't know that all this bothers him the same as it does me. I have to think about it all the time. I can't distract that out of my mind. About the time I do, I feel some weird twinge or pain, and it's all back to obsessing over again. I'm the one going through the hormonal hell every time we try. I can't just relax and let whatever happen, happen. I asked him this morning if this study will not work, can he promise that we will try whatever it takes. Maybe we need to try IUI before saying that's it for now. His response was he doesn't feel right about it being all medical. At this point, I no longer care how it happens, I just want it TO happen. I have to explain all that to him I guess. I probably won't get anywhere. I just don't know how long I can sit here and handle the lets just keep trying and eventually it will work. It's been OVER 4 years. It's not just going to happen when I give up.
I feel your pain sister. I ended up yelling at my husband last night cause he won't go to bed on time (this happens almost every night, why will he not go to bed on time, you'd think I was talking about my child). I get up earlier than him and sleep very lightly and had a clomid headache and wanted to go to bed on time so that I can be well rested and have the energy to do some pointless BDing tonight.
ReplyDeletePeople have been asking me lately how my husband has been doing with all of this. Not to diminish his contribution, but he doesn't really have to do much. Meanwhile, we women are dealing with it 24/7. I know it's hard on the men too, but I don't think they have a clue how hard it is on us.
I've given up, but I still go through with the motions. It's like a compromise. I do it mostly cause I'm too cheap to waste what we invested in the cycle already... plus I feel extra guilt to go through with it since I had that HSG last month (and everyone keeps saying you're more fertile for 3months after, ha!).
And I know it's been a long time, but you did manage to conceive and deliver a healthy child once before, so I don't think I would be able to give up if I were you. At least you know you can, that's something huge (at least I think it is).
So if you can find it in you, keep moving forward and doing what you need to do.
I am sorry you are feeling like this, Michelle. I know what you mean about your huaband and their lack of feelings about the whole thing. Mine was the same, too. It got to the point where I didnt' even talk to him per se about the frustrations that I wa having and resorted to the lovely ladies I met online on my various TTC sites. Dee pdown insdie I know it affects him, but on a whole different level than how it affected me.
ReplyDeleteHang in there. I am thinking of you.