Provera and lots of thoughts

I started it last night. I was very tempted to try prometrium but its not covered by the study. They offered to call it in for me and I could pay for it on my own, but I'd have had to wait till Thursday for it to come in. It wasn't in stock. So, I wanted to get this here and over with. I took the first provera pill last night and opted to take it at supper time to see if maybe that helps with the side effects. It made me sleepy and I was in bed at a decent time. I woke up with a slight headache, but I don't know that it was really the provera that did that. My back is sore too. I think we need a new bed. This mattress is like 15 yrs old or more, and just not cutting it anymore.

We had a chance to talk last night. If I don't respond this round, I probably won't try meds again. Unless we find out that the study drug was clomid, then I won't be surprised at all by the lack of response. And I may give Femara a try. If it's Femara that I'm not responding to, then it looks like my only hope is injectibles. Right now, I'm not willing to spend that kind of money. When we talked, I pointed out that I spent the 4+ years obsessed with this, and we spent so much money. And avoided certain plans we had "just in case" I'd be pregnant around that time. I refuse to keep doing that. There's things we had wanted to do, and we're going to do them. He thinks that maybe if I get majorly distracted by a lot of other things, it will happen. I really don't think that seeing as it's been proven that I NEVER ovulate on my own. I'm not sure what I'll do after the study is over to keep things regular. Either try the herbal route, or maybe just do the bc pill for a few months to figure things out. My newest focus is getting K's new plan in effect and working well. And for myself, I want to focus on getting to the weight *I* want, which means losing around 10-15lbs. Get there and maintain it. I'll feel better about me then too. Who knows what that might do for cycles too.
We also talked about adoption. I am thinking that if we start saving for something big, I'd be more likely to try that than the hard core IF treatments. I feel like there is more guarantee with that. Sure it's probably a hard route as well, but I have more hope for that. The idea is growing on me more too. Of course, that could take a year or 2 to become a real step of action.

I'm just feel extremely mad at this whole situation. I did confide in a friend about it, who happens to be pregnant, and she acted as if she should keep her distance since she is pregnant. I'm not trying to push people away. I still want to hear the details and see the pics or whatever. I'm not mad about those who want and can provide for their children being able to have another easily. That doesn't bother me. What really gets me is what I've been hearing a lot about in the past few weeks of dead beat parents. The ones who don't want their kids, but won't give them up and give them a better life because they are worried about the money. They use their children to get more "free" money. The kids suffer and that's what isn't fair. That whole subject makes me really bitter.
So anyway, those of you who read this who do know me, please don't feel like you have to hide your good news or baby related things from me. I still want to hear all that and I am going to be fine. I don't want to be isolated because of infertility. There was a time that seeing any pregnant woman or seeing a baby upset me, but I'm passed that. I will be ok!