Wow it's been busy here. 2 more days and this year is over. I'm actually excited and optimistic of the upcoming year. This year had a lot of positives, but the lows were really low.
The highlights were definitely finding this house, and finally feeling like I could stay here forever. The settled feeling is pretty awesome. I know that this landlord loves us here, and eventually would sell. Since it's old though, it's going to take a lot of saving. But anyway, the house and move this time was most definitely the big highlight of the year.
And the puppies. I love my sweet babies. They are turning into pretty good dogs and we're managing to get some good manners into them. I'm impressed. I guess it's quicker for them since they have each other, and compete to please us. And me being around all the time instead of being gone 12 hours a day is a good thing too. Poor Zoey had been alone a lot when she was a baby because I worked full time and at the start, 2 jobs.
So then we hit all the downs. The big one, our loss of Zoey. Which is still really hard and I struggle with almost daily. It is getting easier now, but I hate that. I'm so use to the puppies that it's hard to remember some of her normal day to day things. It's just really hard at times.
We had the surprise baby enter the babysitting group. He's been trying, and makes me wonder if I'm doing the right thing by babysitting. He was just diagnosed with reflux and on meds finally, so I'm noticing a change this week. But the days of full blown screaming and crying has worn me down. I honestly don't know if I could deal if he was mine. I'd need medicated for sure.
The 7 weeks off was difficult too, because it was so sudden and at the worst timing bill wise. But, we pulled through and are bouncing back.
And then we have the study. I'm glad I was able to be apart of it, and had some responsive rounds. I know what I want to do with my next tries, but, I need to figure out the money part of things. We are working to eliminate credit cards and bills we don't need, so charging it is not an option. So I have to talk myself into the right mindset to go through with the next round. I feel really stupid spending the money with no promises that it will really work. But, I do want to try one step higher with IUI, so I must call and figure that out next week.
Christmas was pretty good this year. Kristopher made out like a bandit as usual. The big gift this year was a kindle fire. Of course, all he really cares about on that right now is Angry Birds. But I have a ton of books loaded and we can do movies. It's like an Ipad but so much cheaper. I actually love it, and am debating getting my own. Other than that, he got DS games, books and some toys that have kept him pretty busy this week. My husband and I got some nice, useful gifts as well, and we made it good for my parents. I know it's hard on them at Christmas since we've moved because they got use to us close and to have the fun of the kid magic part of things, so we included them and made it special. At least we end the year closer and happier.
Oh and for Christmas, Kristopher got bronchitis. He came home from school last week not hungry, then feverish, and to bed early. Then, the next day acted fine, just mild cold and possible low fever. Christmas eve he was coughing, but fever was gone and he was hyper. He went to bed early and deep to sleep, but woke up for Christmas at before 4am. Hyper all day, but coughing and snotting. I figured it was just a regular cold. Till Christmas night, we went to see lights, and he had a major cough attack in the car. I asked if he was ok and he said his chest hurt when he coughed. And pointed to the spot last year when he had pneumonia. So, Monday we went to urgent care. They said we caught it in time, and it has not progressed to pneumonia, but if I'd have waited a day or 2, it would have settled completely. He's on meds, and we had a follow up on Wednesday. Urgent care had done a blood test, and said his white cells were low. His regular doctor agreed and said it was time to do more testing. So, next week we're going for blood work some morning, which I'm completely dreading and panicked about. It's several tests so I know this will be a regular blood draw. He's never had that, and has a normal fear of needles. so this should be interesting. Then, we go on the 9th for a lung test where he will breath into a machine and assess if he has any form of asthma. They think if he does at all, it is cough variant, and basically means it's triggered by the colds. The blood work is to test for immune system issues. It could very well be that he got so sick last year and never had a chance for his body to bounce back. We will hope for that. I'd hate to see every single cold turn so bad.
He also got a flu shot while at the doctor and next year he will get both that and the pneumonia vax.
So, that's our year end review. Bring on a better year with 2012. I'm very hopeful for this.
Friday, December 30, 2011
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
My final appt
Yesterday I had my final appt. Study is over, and once again, I've moved on. Without the hoped pregnancy as the end of things for me. It's very frustrating.
He reviewed my lab results from the entire time, and u/s notes. He said the fact that I responded twice is a good sign, and he feels that I should try 3 more rounds of clomid. Before I decide to give up, or move up to something more. Due to the "awesome" response last cycle, he feels 150mgs is good for me.
I briefly brought up my thoughts on the hostile cervical fluid, and he didn't seem to think it's that. He said that they really like to see 6 cycles, before claiming clomid as not helpful, and testing further and moving up to higher meds. Since I have done 4, responding those 2 times, he would like me to try 2-3 more on my own. They would do u/s and p4, and he kept reminding me that if we had just started trying, we wouldn't give up on things after only 2 responses. I'm not sure he truly gets my feelings on this though. I know I've responded on my own occasionally. Rarely. But, in the summer I know I had a strong cycle, and nothing happened. Perfectly timing too. And my husband's count is very good they say, so there should not be a problem with that getting where it needs.
So, I'm thinking of calling for pricing options. This is all out of pocket, and I really can't justify $1500-2000 a month in medical bills. Quite honestly, I do not have that. We have 2 freaking car payments and are in the middle of heating season. In January, Kristopher's insurance is going to go way up. I'm sure ours will too, and it's really frustrating because the only thing I ever need this crap for is the RE appts and ob/gyn, and that what if coverage in case someday I do get lucky and get pregnant. I have not used my insurance for other health reasons or regular doctors in over 2 years. I just want good insurance that will cover what I need, and not kill us. We have paid insanely amounts of money for insurances this year, and medical bills too because of deductibles. It doesn't seem fair. But enough on that.
I will call next week and find out how much it costs for mid cycle u/s and the blood work. And if the office visit is covered on my insurance or not. I'm thinking if we make it happen to try a cycle or 2, I'm going to demand that we get IUI with the clomid because then I'd feel like we tried the most we could.
I want to quit. I want to move past this part of our lives and just be happy. We've been doing this for 10 years. It's tiring. And frustrating. And part of me feels that after this amount of time, maybe it's a sign that we're only meant to have Kristopher for now. Or to start saving for adoption. But, there's that part of me that won't stop wanting this one more time. That's all I'm asking for. I just want to experience it all one more time. It went so fast with Kristopher. The pregnancy is a blur now. The baby days went so crazy fast. There's a lot I'd do differently now that I know better and am more informed. I just want there to be one last time so I can feel at peace. And I want my kid to get the chance to be a big brother like he would LOVE to be. I learnt he talks about that to his therapist. It's not fair that he should feel so alone in that aspect of life. He's the only person he knows, with no siblings.
I'm very frustrated. I wish there was a clear answer.
He reviewed my lab results from the entire time, and u/s notes. He said the fact that I responded twice is a good sign, and he feels that I should try 3 more rounds of clomid. Before I decide to give up, or move up to something more. Due to the "awesome" response last cycle, he feels 150mgs is good for me.
I briefly brought up my thoughts on the hostile cervical fluid, and he didn't seem to think it's that. He said that they really like to see 6 cycles, before claiming clomid as not helpful, and testing further and moving up to higher meds. Since I have done 4, responding those 2 times, he would like me to try 2-3 more on my own. They would do u/s and p4, and he kept reminding me that if we had just started trying, we wouldn't give up on things after only 2 responses. I'm not sure he truly gets my feelings on this though. I know I've responded on my own occasionally. Rarely. But, in the summer I know I had a strong cycle, and nothing happened. Perfectly timing too. And my husband's count is very good they say, so there should not be a problem with that getting where it needs.
So, I'm thinking of calling for pricing options. This is all out of pocket, and I really can't justify $1500-2000 a month in medical bills. Quite honestly, I do not have that. We have 2 freaking car payments and are in the middle of heating season. In January, Kristopher's insurance is going to go way up. I'm sure ours will too, and it's really frustrating because the only thing I ever need this crap for is the RE appts and ob/gyn, and that what if coverage in case someday I do get lucky and get pregnant. I have not used my insurance for other health reasons or regular doctors in over 2 years. I just want good insurance that will cover what I need, and not kill us. We have paid insanely amounts of money for insurances this year, and medical bills too because of deductibles. It doesn't seem fair. But enough on that.
I will call next week and find out how much it costs for mid cycle u/s and the blood work. And if the office visit is covered on my insurance or not. I'm thinking if we make it happen to try a cycle or 2, I'm going to demand that we get IUI with the clomid because then I'd feel like we tried the most we could.
I want to quit. I want to move past this part of our lives and just be happy. We've been doing this for 10 years. It's tiring. And frustrating. And part of me feels that after this amount of time, maybe it's a sign that we're only meant to have Kristopher for now. Or to start saving for adoption. But, there's that part of me that won't stop wanting this one more time. That's all I'm asking for. I just want to experience it all one more time. It went so fast with Kristopher. The pregnancy is a blur now. The baby days went so crazy fast. There's a lot I'd do differently now that I know better and am more informed. I just want there to be one last time so I can feel at peace. And I want my kid to get the chance to be a big brother like he would LOVE to be. I learnt he talks about that to his therapist. It's not fair that he should feel so alone in that aspect of life. He's the only person he knows, with no siblings.
I'm very frustrated. I wish there was a clear answer.
Monday, December 12, 2011
The drop
The past few days have been really difficult. I am guessing it's from the major drop in hormone levels. I'm back to nothing again, and it's really making me mental. I'm either super mad at the world, or, I'm crying. And, it was a very bad period the first 2 days, and I had some extreme blood loss. I know this because I am still using the diva cup, and it says at full it's .5ozs, and friday alone it was full 8 times. That's pretty bad. However, it's basically over with very rare and random spotting yesterday and today, so now I just need to boost back my iron.
It's freezing here. Roxie hasn't wanted to go out in the mornings, and has gone back to a few accidents because she doesn't like the temp change. Marley however, loves it. I have to physically make her come in most times.
Speaking of Marley. She had her 12 week check up on Saturday. I'll start by saying that the dog gets extremely car sick. I gave her dramaine an hour before leaving, and she still threw up a few times. And 5 mins from the vet, she decided to crap too. That was wonderful. I threw away the towel because there was no way I was scraping and trying to clean that.
The appt went ok. She is almost 20lbs. At 12 weeks. With a ton of growing to go. Yikes. She's almost as tall as Zoey was. She got her shots, but has to go back for one more of the boosters because they now do parvo 4 times here. So we get the fun of the car again in 3 weeks. I have been told to schedule first morning appt, and don't let her eat before going. That way she will be completely empty. Maybe then we just deal with the drool part of this. I can handle her drooling, it's the rest that is really complicated. I hope it's something we can work with and resolve. Zoey LOVED to go, and so does Roxie. I want her to be excited about "going byes" and be apart of everything we do when it's nice out. She also hates her leash and flat out refuses to walk on it. That has to change, but it's too hard to work with that right now with it being so cold.
That's about it from here. Hopefully more positive update next time.
It's freezing here. Roxie hasn't wanted to go out in the mornings, and has gone back to a few accidents because she doesn't like the temp change. Marley however, loves it. I have to physically make her come in most times.
Speaking of Marley. She had her 12 week check up on Saturday. I'll start by saying that the dog gets extremely car sick. I gave her dramaine an hour before leaving, and she still threw up a few times. And 5 mins from the vet, she decided to crap too. That was wonderful. I threw away the towel because there was no way I was scraping and trying to clean that.
The appt went ok. She is almost 20lbs. At 12 weeks. With a ton of growing to go. Yikes. She's almost as tall as Zoey was. She got her shots, but has to go back for one more of the boosters because they now do parvo 4 times here. So we get the fun of the car again in 3 weeks. I have been told to schedule first morning appt, and don't let her eat before going. That way she will be completely empty. Maybe then we just deal with the drool part of this. I can handle her drooling, it's the rest that is really complicated. I hope it's something we can work with and resolve. Zoey LOVED to go, and so does Roxie. I want her to be excited about "going byes" and be apart of everything we do when it's nice out. She also hates her leash and flat out refuses to walk on it. That has to change, but it's too hard to work with that right now with it being so cold.
That's about it from here. Hopefully more positive update next time.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Fail again
Today is my husband's birthday. I feel really off today, and woke up with the same old boob pain and no cramps. No spotting what so ever, so I caved. I figured, I'm over 2 weeks past when I believe it happened. And I feel positive about things, and it would be so awesome to tell him today. So I tested. It was NEGATIVE. I was upset. Then, I go sit down and feel sorry for myself for a little. Get up because the kids needed my help, and got intense shooting pain across my entire lower uterus area. Followed by a little gush. I run to the bathroom. Spotting has begun. Even more mad at myself for testing so early. Spotting was only that one time, and nothing in several hours, but I still feel achy and weird. My guess is it will be here tomorrow. I think that's how it happened last time. But I know know for sure if I ever want to speed up the wait, just test. It brings it on.
Once it's fully here and day 1, I call to schedule my final appt. I should do it before Christmas that way I can get all fat and disgusting on cookies and not have to track it. Last time I was there, I saw a sign for another study, that involves IUI. I'm going to ask about that. If we don't qualify, I don't know what our next step will be. I'm convinced that I have hostile cervical mucus at this point from all the clomid. I have no other idea on why every single time I respond so well, and time things perfectly, that it continues to fail. I guess I just have a lot against me, and I am feeling less and less like investing any of our money towards this anymore. It's been almost 7 years. We get nothing from our efforts. I know the study is good because they will learn from it and hopefully be able to made better choices for the future patients, but seriously, this is hard to take at the moment. The hormones are all crazy and I go from hating the world to crying over everything. I just want to feel normal and happy again.
Once it's fully here and day 1, I call to schedule my final appt. I should do it before Christmas that way I can get all fat and disgusting on cookies and not have to track it. Last time I was there, I saw a sign for another study, that involves IUI. I'm going to ask about that. If we don't qualify, I don't know what our next step will be. I'm convinced that I have hostile cervical mucus at this point from all the clomid. I have no other idea on why every single time I respond so well, and time things perfectly, that it continues to fail. I guess I just have a lot against me, and I am feeling less and less like investing any of our money towards this anymore. It's been almost 7 years. We get nothing from our efforts. I know the study is good because they will learn from it and hopefully be able to made better choices for the future patients, but seriously, this is hard to take at the moment. The hormones are all crazy and I go from hating the world to crying over everything. I just want to feel normal and happy again.
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Our Trip to Petsmart
Quick post, about our trip to petsmart this weekend. Santa was there, and I wanted to take the dogs. Kristopher still believes, but we told him this was not a real santa, just one to make dogs not attack the real santa when he shows up.. He bought it, and was a great sport about it. Roxie was held by Santa, and Kristopher held Marley. Marley has some issues with the car, and was a nervous, farty, scared puppy. While we were waiting on our picture, we walked to the toys and they got to pick a toy, and some treats. That perked them both up and they were a huge hit in the store. Everyone loves puppies!
Here's our best picture. Hahaha. I can't wait to see how much different they will look next year! Ignore the bad quality. I chose to take a picture of the picture, rather than fight the little plastic frame to get it out and scan. Laziness at it's best this week.
Here's our best picture. Hahaha. I can't wait to see how much different they will look next year! Ignore the bad quality. I chose to take a picture of the picture, rather than fight the little plastic frame to get it out and scan. Laziness at it's best this week.
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