Fail again

Today is my husband's birthday.  I feel really off today, and woke up with the same old boob pain and no cramps.  No spotting what so ever, so I caved.  I figured, I'm over 2 weeks past when I believe it happened.  And I feel positive about things, and it would be so awesome to tell him today.  So I tested.  It was NEGATIVE.  I was upset.  Then, I go sit down and feel sorry for myself for a little.  Get up because the kids needed my help, and got intense shooting pain across my entire lower uterus area.  Followed by a little gush.  I run to the bathroom.  Spotting has begun.  Even more mad at myself for testing so early.  Spotting was only that one time, and nothing in several hours, but I still feel achy and weird.  My guess is it will be here tomorrow.  I think that's how it happened last time.  But I know know for sure if I ever want to speed up the wait, just test.  It brings it on. 

Once it's fully here and day 1, I call to schedule my final appt.  I should do it before Christmas that way I can get all fat and disgusting on cookies and not have to track it.  Last time I was there, I saw a sign for another study, that involves IUI.  I'm going to ask about that.  If we don't qualify, I don't know what our next step will be.  I'm convinced that I have hostile cervical mucus at this point from all the clomid.  I have no other idea on why every single time I respond so well, and time things perfectly, that it continues to fail.  I guess I just have a lot against me, and I am feeling less and less like investing any of our money towards this anymore.  It's been almost 7 years.  We get nothing from our efforts.  I know the study is good because they will learn from it and hopefully be able to made better choices for the future patients, but seriously, this is hard to take at the moment.  The hormones are all crazy and I go from hating the world to crying over everything.  I just want to feel normal and happy again.