It's been a week

It's been a really difficult week.  But out of the sad parts, is a new hope.  We have decided we are not waiting for a puppy.  We found a breeder who was really great, and have decided we will get our new furbaby next weekend.  I needed a little time to prepare, and it's extra expense we had not planned on. 
The breeder is really awesome.  They stopped me and said that before I started with all my questions, they really wanted to know more about my "baby".  They wanted to know Zoey's name, lots about her, how we got her, how we decided on the breed, etc.  She was very nice to talk to, even though I cried.  She said that she would really love it if we decided to adopt from her, because she knows we are an incredible home and that this baby will have a perfect life.  She said she's more than willing to wait an extra week, and that it just means she gets a little more time with her.  And that it's also hard for her to give them up.  They do not believe in over breeding their dogs, and only have a new litter every 3 years, give or take.  They work from home so these puppies are extremely loved and social. 

I picked up a crate yesterday, and have talked to the local pet supply guy and found a really good food to feed her.  She will not be having the grocery store crap like Zoey had started out on.  I am not messing around with anything that's been on a recall list, or that is going to cause more problems.  I trust this guy.  He had a big breed dog, that lived to be over 17 yrs old without issues till the end.  I totally feel that he knows what he's talking about, and that we will end up with more time.  I feel we were cheated out of time with Zoey, and if I could go back in time, there is a lot of changes I would make.  I feel horrible that I didn't do more research and make it the best for her back then.  I was stupid. 

I know that Zoey hated to see us sad.  She would do anything she could to make us smile and be happy.  So I know she would want this for us, because we're not happy here.  I can not stand being home alone.  I'm slacking majorly in everything with the normal day to day stuff.  Kristopher is in a state of depression.  Even my husband is different.  We just don't know what to do in a pet free home.  We need this puppy now, and while my mind says I should wait, my heart says it's time and I'm going with that.  I don't know how we will function for several more months without something...
I know it's not replacing her, and I'll miss her like crazy forever.   This week seems to have gone by quickly, but it feels like forever since she's been here.  Since I've pet her, or held her, or snuggled and kissed her.  It's just not fair. 

Very bad time

This is so hard to do. My sweet baby girl died on Friday morning. She got sick almost 2 weeks ago, and we treated it just like any other normal belly issue. The meds didn't work, so we went to the vet. She also had started falling while walking, and body was failing her. We tried some steriod treatment because even the vet had felt it was just her typical belly problems, and arthritis starting to kick in. We kept her on a bland diet, and she was loving all the "real food". Her sweet face was so so so so happy when we got her food out and warmed it up. She loved it. Then, she started falling more, and while she tried to go potty. She was humilated, and looked so sad and so sorry. A few days later, she started throwing up. Her food was not digesting. It was 2 days worth of whole food. So I knew there was a problem. They tried a new med, for an ulcer because it's common for dogs with her issues and the steriod mix, to get them. Next day, more throwing up, and could not keep down water or the pills. So we went last Thursday night to the vet again. This time she was so out of it that I had to carry her in. She was so sad and so sick. They did a blood work up, and determined that she was severely anemic, and also had very progressed kidney failure. Apparently as they get sick, each time it effects the kidney's more and more. She also had some other elevated numbers, but I don't remember all about that. I just know that they compared her to a person who would need dialasis 2 times per day. There was no hope. I chose to try fluids and a shot to ease her pain so she could have one more night at home. I honestly expected to get fluids and a shot to stop her belly problems, and that she would be back to normal by this point. I had not prepared myself for anything more, and Kristopher didn't get to say a proper goodbye. Neither did Dennis. So, I begged them to help her be able to come home for one last night.
She was still so tired and weak, so Dennis carried her in. We talked to her and cried with her for a while. He went to bed and I stayed up till 2am. I slept till about 3:30 when he got ready to go, and him telling her his goodbye just in case he wasn't back home in time, was so heart breaking. I stayed up at that point because she was not sleeping soundly, and looked like she was slipping away. By the time Kristopher got up, she managed to get herself up and go visit him for one last morning book time. They would always spend the first half hour to 45 mins together in his room. Special one on one time, where he would read to her, and sit on the floor and snuggle with her. It was a favorite time for them and for me as well. I love that he had such a strong bond with her. And I love that she made it possible for that last morning. I think he will remember that forever. She also followed him around as he got ready for school. It was like she knew, and wanted to spend the time with him so she knew he was ok. I did not tell him what was happening, just that she was going back to the vet for another medicine to try to help her not hurt.
We dropped him off for school, and I picked up my mom and went. The original plan was to wait till afternoon when Dennis could come home from work and go with me. The way she was feeling that morning, I knew it wasn't fair to make her wait. There was things at work that were impossible to avoid, so my mom was there with me. It happened around 9:30am. She didn't fight it, and right before she went limp and was gone, the pain had vanished. There was a spark of excitement that I haven't seen in her eyes in a while. I swear she saw something in that final second. She made eye contact with me, and I saw the pain was gone, and then she got sleepy. And her head fell into my hands....and I couldn't feel her breathing anymore. It was over. My sweet baby girl had died. I held her that way for a little, but I couldn't stay there long. She felt different very fast. And the stuff they inject leaked a little from her paw because her vein had not been strong enough to last the whole time. I kind of regret now that I left so quickly after. I would give anything to feel her one more time. Or kiss her. I gave her a ton of kisses and petted her and told her how much I love her and how wonderful she was. She was truly the best dog I could ever have asked for. She was there for me when my life was impossible. She was there when no one else could understand my pain. And now i'm hurting more than ever and she's not here. I don't know how to do it.
I came home that day and walked into the empty house and I can honestly say that I no longer love this house. It doesn't feel like home right now. It's just so so quiet. I still have her toys out, but I think tomorrow some will be packed away. I'm saving her 2 favorite special toys and need to think of something special to do with those. I also brought home her collar and it's wrapped on a wolf stuffed toy that looks so much like her.
Telling Kristopher was harder than the entire process of leading up to it and watching her go. We picked him up together and when he came out of school he ran to me asking how Zoey was doing. I told him we would talk at home and he looked at me and asked why I looked so sad. I told him I was so sorry and he started crying. "Why are you crying mommy?? Zoey didn't make it did she?????" When I said I was sorry again, he cried so hard that Dennis had to carry him to the car and into the house when we were home. He went on to tell me later that night that life is horrible and that it's not fair. That it was the worst day in his entire life and all he wants is the love she gave him. She made him feel better anytime he was hurt and now she's not here and it's not fair. I told him I feel the same way, and told him that I'm always here for him. He's been coming to my room in the mornings because he's too sad to sit in his room and read to himself. We talk and cry and then we start our day. he can distract himself with his games, but I haven't found a distraction yet. Bedtime is equally as hard for me because she would always sit with me at night, and when I was ready for bed, she would come back and sleep next to me. Her bed is there, but it's so empty and sad.

I have started searching for puppies. We planned all along to buy one this fall/winter/as soon as they were ready. I feel so horrible for trying this soon. But I need something else here. It's never going to replace her. But maybe it can make me feel better to have that puppy to snuggle and love, and it to love me back. I can have something that needs me.

Kristopher has been kind of upset with me. Very short tempered and very mean when I upset him. Any form of rules have been hard on him. I'm trying hard to keep myself from yelling, but it's getting very frustrating. I'm not the bad guy in this. He can talk to me first thing in the morning and open up, but then he keeps it all shut inside. I'm hoping to get him into an extra therapy appt this week.
This has been so hard to write, and I left out a bunch of what I'm feeling and want to say. Maybe I'll write more about it later. For now, I need to distract myself and try to sleep. I hope she's ok, and hope she still is around here. I hope she won't be upset when we get another puppy. I hope that getting one soon is not a mistake. I just know that I hurt, and have such an empty feeling. None of this is fair. I did everything right, she had the best foods, best vet care, best everything. I loved her and treated her just like a child. I did not lose my dog. I lost my daughter. And most people just do not understand that.

Bad news

Tomorrow Zoey is being put to sleep. I haven't blogged about it because I was hoping it would change, and she would bounce back like always. But she has not. The vet did blood work tonight and we found out she is in pretty bad shape. Severe anemia, and kidney failure. I wasn't prepared for that news, so I did something I feel so horrible about at the moment. They gave her some fluids, a shot of something strong, and sent us home for one more night. Dennis didn't get to say a proper goodbye before we left tonight because we thought it was all going to be ok. Kristopher didn't really say goodbye at all when we left, so I felt that they needed this last night.
I of course cried the entire way home, and haven't stopped yet. She's very drugged and sleeping peacefully right now. I hope she has a good night, and tomorrow is over very quickly. I feel like the most terrible person in the world right now because I have to decide this for her. She's not the same anymore and I know she's slowly starving to death, so I have to do what is right.
How do I do it though? And how do I come in this house alone? Life will never be the same without her. She's been with me thru the very hardest points of my life. And now I have to make the decision to end it all. It's not fair.

Round 2

Ultrasound showed that I have bad ovaries. They did not respond. I actually have more of the tiny stupid cysts circling. 42 on my left. FORTY TWO!!! Seriously crazy.
Lining was very thing, and progesterone came back 0.2 or 0.02. I forget. So low that no period was in sight though. Because of my past history with provera, and the thin lining already, the doctor had decided we will just start meds tonight. So, up to 100mgs clomid and round 2 starts. I'm hoping a few things this time. Obviously, I hope that I respond and it works and I have a positive test by my birthday (late October), but also I hope that the side effects are lower this time. It's been stressful enough here lately and the hormone craziness is not helping. So, more to come later.
Kristopher visited a friend after school and it's finally time to get him. I did nothing productive in my free time. I'm horrible.

A fail

I don't think this round had any success. I do not feel like there is any progestrone increase going on, and no other signs of something positive going on. I feel rather blah and moody too.
Blood work and u/s on Tuesday, and I'm dreading it. I do not want to go thru the provera craziness, but I have no other choice at this time. That's all that is authorized while on the study. And 10 day dose at that.

I guess this month not working is ok though. I've had a lot of stress, and just all around not been a good round. And, when I thought something may have been going on, I was not in the mood what so ever and it just sucks to have to do stuff just because we HAVE to. It just feels wrong. So, hopefully we just get it over with very quickly if it's a fail. Move past it and onto better times.