4am chats

My husband goes to bed earlier than I would because of how early he has to be up and at work. I very rarely go to bed at the same time. With being around the important time, I'm supposed to come to bed earlier than my normal, and make sure to wake him so we can do our "homework". Well, Monday night didn't work so great. No big deal, we had the other days from the weekend covered really well, so skipping a day would probably be a good idea. So then last night comes around, and he won't wake up. He was so out of it that I just gave up and got some sleep. He gets up a little before 4, and wakes me up. Asks me why I never woke him? I was sleepy and out of it and kinda bitter about how we should just stop this month, that it's not going to work, we missed 2 days now, just forget about it for good, etc. I remember parts of it, but I'm sure it was overly dramatic and whiney for that early. He gave me a short lecture on how giving up hope so early is not a good thing, that anything is possible, and I can't think negative all the time. Shortly after that he was off to work and I'm laying there awake till close to 6am thinking about all that.
So it has me thinking more, still. I know my husband has the disappointment too each month. I know that some of the pregnancy announcements and people whining about oh no! another oops! makes him annoyed as well. And when someone asks him when K gets to be a big brother, or when is #2 coming? he usually will say back "well it's not that easy for everyone".
But, I really don't know that all this bothers him the same as it does me. I have to think about it all the time. I can't distract that out of my mind. About the time I do, I feel some weird twinge or pain, and it's all back to obsessing over again. I'm the one going through the hormonal hell every time we try. I can't just relax and let whatever happen, happen. I asked him this morning if this study will not work, can he promise that we will try whatever it takes. Maybe we need to try IUI before saying that's it for now. His response was he doesn't feel right about it being all medical. At this point, I no longer care how it happens, I just want it TO happen. I have to explain all that to him I guess. I probably won't get anywhere. I just don't know how long I can sit here and handle the lets just keep trying and eventually it will work. It's been OVER 4 years. It's not just going to happen when I give up.

Tired and Annoyed

It was a long day. I won't even start on the details of it, but it was rainy and miserable. Everyone was moody because of it. I had a lot of errands to do, and the traffic was horrible. I also stayed up entirely too late last night. Lately I'm having a lot of insomnia issues lately. Too much on my mind. Too much obsessing already.

It's day 15, and all pains and wierdness is gone. So, I guess that means day 14 was ovulation day? I'm still new to the whole being able to ovulate thing, and still unsure how to base that. There won't be any testing till after day 32, so it really doesn't matter I guess.

Not really much else I care to talk about tonight so I'll keep this short.

Up too late

Because of a stabbing mean left ovary. It is actually enough that I wasn't able to fall asleep. Something is clearly going on tonight. There is no mistaking that feeling.
So, let the obsessing begin. And please, please, please, PLEASE let this work!!!

It's day 14..again...

Here we go again. It feels like something is going on, but I'm still not that hopeful. I've been pretty achy on both side for the past 2 days. More intense than last week. Apparently I just have too much free time that I notice all this weirdness. Timing wise, we're doing good, so if it doesn't work this month either, I'm going to be extremely frustrated.

I'm having one of those weeks where it seems like everyone around me is getting pregnant or having babies. Every time I log onto myspace, I see pictures and stuff about my niece. I'm officially over the bitterness, but I swear to God they better take good care of her and grow up and give her the life she deserves.

And the dog groomer is apparently pregnant again too. We were told is was a major surprise and they "took it really hard". They have a kid around 18 months old right now, and she was about impossible to deal with when she was pregnant with that one. It was major drama to get an appt, and whining and complaining while I was there to drop off or pick up the dog. So rather than deal with it again, and risk saying something in my bitter hormonal-ness lately, I'm in search of a new groomer. Or maybe I'll just see if I can find step by step on how to do it all myself. Either way, I don't think I can mental handle going back there.
There is one couple we just found out about who's expecting their first baby in July, and I'm actually happy and ok about them because we've known them since middle school, they've been together as long as us, and they had a lot of issues getting to this point. So it's nice to see it happening for someone who truly wants it, is happy about it, and will take care of their child properly. Those types I can handle a lot better....
Anyway, still hormonal and crazy here. And I'll be obsessing all this till my appt on the 11th. There will not be any testing till at least day 32....That will be hard to do, but I think it's necessary for my mental health.

Day 12...again

I'm sure I had a post like this 2 months ago. It's probably boring but it's my only way to really look back and remember since this cycle is weird. Definite cm happening. Achiness in the ovary areas. Both sides. Not sure what's up there. It's very rare for me to even ovulate and now I feel stuff on both sides? That's not saying that anything is even going to happen because I have achiness in "normal" months too. Just part of the pcos I guess. Anyway, I'm not sure if anything is happening. The signs are somewhat there, but I've been fooled before. I refuse to get all hopeful this time until I know there is a chance. And even then, I will not break down and test before day 32. I might even wait longer. I don't know if I can handle another negative test right now.
So there's my boring update. I'm sure the next few days will be similar.