Canceled

For now....The appt with the RE/PCOS clinic is canceled. 2 reasons behind it.
The first is I found out I need a referral. He's not a regular ob/gyn clinic, so insurance will decline everything and I really don't want to be stuck with the entire bill right now. Or ever for that matter but oh well. I called and I can't just have the referral faxed, I have to personally get a check up and talk to the family doctor before they will refer me elsewhere. Wonderful. And since it's not life or death, I can't get an appt for a few weeks. I said I'll call back later when I figure out my plan.
The second reason is due to some joking around with my husband last night. We were getting K ready for bed and he now will go in, turn the shower on, adjust water and do it all by himself. I jokingly said "well gee...makes ya wonder why we really are trying to start all over again with him being so independent now!" All serious and in a quiet tone he says "Yes, I know....." Of course I am like "HUH? WHAT???" Long story short, he's happy with how things are, and kind of worries if things will change and get harder if we have another. I ask why we've been trying like this for basically 5 yrs now and all of a sudden he's not sure anymore. He doesn't want to talk about it now because he doesn't want to start a fight. And then goes to bed. Really wonderful. Of course my mind is going non stop right now and basically all night. We haven't talked since that conversation last night and I honestly don't know what to think.
I've said it before and I'll say it again. I do not feel complete with the way things are now. I feel like something is missing. I have a lot of regrets of things I did not try or do when K was a baby. I left other people's opinions get to me more than I should have. The one big thing I really regret and wonder about is breastfeeding. I didn't even try. Why? First of all I was very much not educated on all the benefits. Back then, I knew NO ONE who did it and had success. Everyone who did try, said it was so hard and hurt so bad. Family basically told me it was impossible. When I was first asked at my first ob appt what my plans were, I said not sure, but figured probably formula fed because at the time I planned to go back to work full time at 6 weeks pp. It was never brought up again, even in the hospital when I had him. If someone would have just said anything positive back then, I'd have tried. And, obviously I did not make it back to work, and when K was about 1 week old and the milk wasn't drying up, I started to regret my decision. I talked to my mom about it and she made it sound dirty or wrong to even think of trying at that point because he was "thriving great on formula." Anyway, I'm not going to start a huge debate on the subject. He thrived and was always advanced and never any problems as a baby. But I do wonder if maybe that might be some of his problems now. Maybe it would be different if I would have tried.
But anyway, I'm more educated now on a lot of subjects and I just want a 2nd chance to try it all again. No one will really understand the way I feel unless they are me so I should give up on explaining it. I just don't know that I'm ready to move past this part of our life and I truly don't think I can feel settled and "done" for a while.