I was confused to log on and see all the new blogger changes. It's going to take some getting use to.
So, new updates from here.
Stomach flu is still hanging on for Kristopher. He is fine for several days, even a week, then it hits again. Driving me absolutely crazy. However, I think I have figured out some of the cause. First of all, in January his white cells were low. They came back to right at low end of normal in February. Since then, there has been various colds and sickness through our house. He had a sinus infection somewhere in that time frame and a week of antibiotics.
So now, this stomach flu has been here for 3 weeks. Tuesday morning he woke up with diarrhea and threw up once. Was home from school and I took him to the doctor. We were sent home with orders to get probiotics and start twice a day. And a stool collection kit. After that appt, he was totally fine, and did not go anymore that night. Then, he was back to school Wednesday. Comes home acting fine. I'm making supper and he comes out crying his eyes out because he "doesn't want to get sick again." I asked if he feels like he's going to be sick. "No..." and more tears. So, he runs to the bathroom. By the time I get there, he has already crapped. So it's too late to prepare the toilet for this wonderful collection for their testing. So then he says he has to go again. I make him wait, do the plastic wrap to do the collection, and it was a false alarm. Take it all down, get busy with supper again, and he goes, without telling me. He says it's normal, no more diarrhea, but still not "normal". If that makes sense. At this point, I offered him jello and he wasn't hungry. Totally not my kid. So, I'm fed up. I call the oncall doctor and wait for the return call. Basically get a moody on call doctor who wants to tell me what I already know. That we need the stool test submitted so they can go from there. There's nothing else we can do since he's hydrated, and bounces back quickly. Try to collect and turn in the sample, and we will go from there. Keep him hydrated, start probiotics, whatever.
So today, I finally find something in stock that will work. Target pharmacy is way more helpful than the doctors office. I was told today that this is so hard to leave him because of the immune system. That the probiotics will definitely help and really is the only thing that will at this point. Probiotics twice a day, then continue once per day till school ends. He needs that help to boost his immunity back up.
I'm also thinking that a lot of this is caused by his anxiety. He has not thrown up much in his life. And very rarely gets diarrhea. So, it's scary to him. He freaks out worrying if it's going to happen, and how bad it will be. Especially at bedtime. He was up till about 11 last night in a constant panic about if he will be sick that night, will he wake up in time to get to the bathroom, will he have an accident, etc. I try so hard to keep my cool and help him through the panic attacks. But, bedtime is my only "me time" since he gets up as soon as he hears me in the mornings. I need my time to unwind and calm down. When he keeps crying and whining about stuff and not listening to anything I say to try to make it better, it wears me down. So around 10:30 I snapped, and said I am not coming back in to help unless he is truly sick and needs help cleaning up. I heard him across the monitor one last time saying "just pee, no more poop" when he went to the bathroom one last time after I went down to bed. So I really don't know what time he went to sleep. And he was up when I came up this morning. Totally over it all. So another recommendation is to start giving him melatonin for bedtime. I hope that will help ease his bedtime worries. It's really wearing me down and I am not as patient as I would like to be. I know the stress and fighting at bedtime will make it worse.
I'm no longer restricting his diet either. He lost 5lbs. He really doesn't have it to lose. When we were sitting at the doctors office the other day, I noticed his ribs look so scary skinny. He's 58lbs, but he is 4'4. Funny how he's become this, from the years of the huge chubby baby....
But back to the diet. No point in taking away what he will eat when he bounces back from this no matter what he eats. There's no fever or any other symptoms. They did a total check up on him on Tuesday and no underlying condition that would have caused this. So it has to be like the pharmacist says and he's just having a hard time fighting it off.
Either way, this thing needs to leave our house now and can stay away forever. I'm so done with vomit and poop drama that I could just scream....
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Friday, April 20, 2012
A new outlook
This has been on my mind for some time now, and I feel like I should get it all out there in case anyone else who reads is struggling with the same. After years and years of infertility drama and all the treatments I have dealt with, I have decided that I no longer want to be pregnant. Quite honestly, if I was to find out today that I was pregnant, I'd probably cry and be terrified. This is going to be a really long post as to why I feel this way.
First of all. It took us over 2 years to get pregnant with Kristopher. Many rounds of clomid, and not so great doctors. While treatment was not that involved, it was a very dark and trying time in our marriage. It was before I really turned to the internet with my feelings, so I had all this hormonal craziness going on that it seemed at the time, like no one else knew how I felt, or what I was going through. I did not have a support system, and my husband was just as upset because I was miserable and he could not fix it. I don't know what got us to the pregnancy point really, other than luck. So, when I got that positive test, I had all these happy thoughts about how wonderful pregnancy would be. I was constantly touching my belly and talking to him. Again, not on internet that often, so I assumed that it was going to go perfectly. I'd have a little bit of issues in the mornings for a few weeks, then it would all be happy and perfect. My morning sickness hit about 6 weeks along. Let me change that. My all day sickness hit. And lasted till almost 30 weeks. When I finally quit my job and was able to be less stressed. I lost 20 something pounds. They made me take suppository medication to control the vomiting. I was down right miserable. Pregnancy didn't make me glow, it made me weak and pale and barfy. I did love the feeling of K moving. But, I was very ready to be past it all and just have my baby. I did not breastfeed, because no one I knew did it and had success. I was told horror stories. I assumed at some point, I was going back to work, so I did not even try. So after the pregnancy was over, I was happy with my baby, and we had a great bond and things were good. I was happy. But, I lost a ton of friends, and lived a pretty isolated world that first year or so. I had a lot of new cycle drama. We had a scare not too long after he was born, and decided we should try again, because it took us so long, not preventing would just mean if it did happen quickly, we would have another kid. I was nervous about pregnancy, but loved being a mom so much that I'd do it all over again.
1-2 yrs after he was born was extreme with cycle drama. And then the real treatment process started up again. Many failed rounds, and a few breaks between it all. Discovery of studies, diagnosis of PCOS, and real answers. The 2 trials that I partcipated in all brought me way down to a new low. I have gained a lot of weight with the treatment and hormonal craziness. I've lost faith it will happen. We move on to option 2. Adoption. It sounds great, but we decide fostering to adoption will be the best fit. That's all in other posts. We're almost finalized and in the wait for placement stage. It feels like it's the right choice for our family. I'm very excited about what this journey will bring.
So last week we had the stomach flu. I vomited so much last week that it brought me flash backs of being pregnant. I felt down right crappy last week. I was weak and worthless around the house. Nothing got done, the dogs were negectled of attention and sometimes went hours before someone realized they didn't have water. Kristopher was whiney and not very understanding to my need to just lay around and sleep between episodes. It took me a while to bounce back. My husband had to miss work to help out. The kids had to stay home and their mom missed a few days of work. It made me realize. I'm not cut out for that anymore. If I got pregnant, and had another extreme vomiting pregnancy, I don't know how my family would survive without someone moving in and helping out. Then I also look at how restricted a pregnancy would make us, and the sleep deprived recovery days after would also be difficult. I don't know that my body can handle all that stress and sickness. I know mentally, I can not. So, I want to prevent. I don't know what to ask for, but I already know due to the PCOS, a tubal is pointless. I don't want my husband to go and have something done. I know an IUD would be easy to deal with, but honestly, they gross me out. And, due to extreme bleeding history, I'm told they won't use that as an option either. So, it looks like birth control pill is my best option. I know I need to make an appt to discuss it all. I have no clue what is out there, and what works well with PCOS. My fear with the pill, is more weight gain. I'm struggling now to lose what I gained with the studies. It's not coming off. I'm active, drink a ton of water, walk at least 2 miles per day for school drop off and pick ups and just random walks. And I'm not a slow pokey type of walker either. I want to lose the weight, for me. Not to become pregnant and end up this way all over again later. I want to lose weight to feel better and look better. Mentally, it will help me so much. I just want to feel good again. I'm just lacking the motivation to really hit a hard diet and exercise pattern.
And, the age difference is something else that concerns me. Since the baby was born that I babysit, the going on 4 yr old, and my own (going on 8) have been having a lot of acting out issues. Because they are "big kids" and want to play with big kid toys. The baby is into everything, and restricts what can be out when he's around. It's a constant battle and a lot of anger and resentment from those 2. The 2 yr old I watch went from playing right along side the other 2, to back to everything in his mouth, getting into stuff he's not suppose to, spitting and copying all the baby behavior. It stresses me out. But, I love these kids like my own, so I keep fighting through it all and make this work. A year ago, we would spend the day outside playing and I could get a lot done yard wise. This year, we're stuck inside, or, we go out and I'm stuck sitting with the baby just supervising, or the baby screams and cries from a stroller/playpen/jumper, whatever. It's very restricting. It's the same at their home too.
So, with the foster/adoption thing, we have to sit down and really discuss the age group we're looking for. My ideal placement age would be between 3-6 yrs old. We're open to siblings, no more than 2 kid group. I originally said I was open from birth to age 7, with siblings being an option. But, if they would call me and say they had a 2 yr old and a baby, I know I can not handle that situation. There has to be better spacing. It scares me.
Ideally, if I was "normal" and could go back in time and have planned my family the way I'd have wanted, I would have had K, then another when he was about 3 maybe 4. Good spacing, and not as stressful to adjust. I think now that he's going on 8, a newborn would not have a bond with him. And the kids I watch are 7 months, 2 and half, and 3 and half. Their age spacing has been difficult, especially now that there is 3.
I know this was long and mixed up random craziness. I just had to clear my mind and maybe someone else reading has felt mixed on if they should keep trying. And if anyone is reading that has decided it's time to prevent, can someone please recommend a PCOS friendly birth control pill?? I need to schedule my yearly in May, and want to go prepared.
I will end with saying that I finally feel at peace with the no more pregnancy thing. I got to experience it. I may not have had the birth plan I wanted, and I may have regrets about some early choices. But, it was a positive end. My kid is healthy and very smart. He has an awesome personality and everyone loves him. He's very caring. I do not think that formula did anything to cause his asthma or anxiety. He is a confident kid, and doing just fine. So I feel good about my choices. Now this being said, someday I may reexplore the baby thing again, if I feel it would be a good fit to our family. But you can bet the way I'd do it would be through adoption. I am truly, 100% done with the dreams of being pregnant again. And I'm totally ok with that.
First of all. It took us over 2 years to get pregnant with Kristopher. Many rounds of clomid, and not so great doctors. While treatment was not that involved, it was a very dark and trying time in our marriage. It was before I really turned to the internet with my feelings, so I had all this hormonal craziness going on that it seemed at the time, like no one else knew how I felt, or what I was going through. I did not have a support system, and my husband was just as upset because I was miserable and he could not fix it. I don't know what got us to the pregnancy point really, other than luck. So, when I got that positive test, I had all these happy thoughts about how wonderful pregnancy would be. I was constantly touching my belly and talking to him. Again, not on internet that often, so I assumed that it was going to go perfectly. I'd have a little bit of issues in the mornings for a few weeks, then it would all be happy and perfect. My morning sickness hit about 6 weeks along. Let me change that. My all day sickness hit. And lasted till almost 30 weeks. When I finally quit my job and was able to be less stressed. I lost 20 something pounds. They made me take suppository medication to control the vomiting. I was down right miserable. Pregnancy didn't make me glow, it made me weak and pale and barfy. I did love the feeling of K moving. But, I was very ready to be past it all and just have my baby. I did not breastfeed, because no one I knew did it and had success. I was told horror stories. I assumed at some point, I was going back to work, so I did not even try. So after the pregnancy was over, I was happy with my baby, and we had a great bond and things were good. I was happy. But, I lost a ton of friends, and lived a pretty isolated world that first year or so. I had a lot of new cycle drama. We had a scare not too long after he was born, and decided we should try again, because it took us so long, not preventing would just mean if it did happen quickly, we would have another kid. I was nervous about pregnancy, but loved being a mom so much that I'd do it all over again.
1-2 yrs after he was born was extreme with cycle drama. And then the real treatment process started up again. Many failed rounds, and a few breaks between it all. Discovery of studies, diagnosis of PCOS, and real answers. The 2 trials that I partcipated in all brought me way down to a new low. I have gained a lot of weight with the treatment and hormonal craziness. I've lost faith it will happen. We move on to option 2. Adoption. It sounds great, but we decide fostering to adoption will be the best fit. That's all in other posts. We're almost finalized and in the wait for placement stage. It feels like it's the right choice for our family. I'm very excited about what this journey will bring.
So last week we had the stomach flu. I vomited so much last week that it brought me flash backs of being pregnant. I felt down right crappy last week. I was weak and worthless around the house. Nothing got done, the dogs were negectled of attention and sometimes went hours before someone realized they didn't have water. Kristopher was whiney and not very understanding to my need to just lay around and sleep between episodes. It took me a while to bounce back. My husband had to miss work to help out. The kids had to stay home and their mom missed a few days of work. It made me realize. I'm not cut out for that anymore. If I got pregnant, and had another extreme vomiting pregnancy, I don't know how my family would survive without someone moving in and helping out. Then I also look at how restricted a pregnancy would make us, and the sleep deprived recovery days after would also be difficult. I don't know that my body can handle all that stress and sickness. I know mentally, I can not. So, I want to prevent. I don't know what to ask for, but I already know due to the PCOS, a tubal is pointless. I don't want my husband to go and have something done. I know an IUD would be easy to deal with, but honestly, they gross me out. And, due to extreme bleeding history, I'm told they won't use that as an option either. So, it looks like birth control pill is my best option. I know I need to make an appt to discuss it all. I have no clue what is out there, and what works well with PCOS. My fear with the pill, is more weight gain. I'm struggling now to lose what I gained with the studies. It's not coming off. I'm active, drink a ton of water, walk at least 2 miles per day for school drop off and pick ups and just random walks. And I'm not a slow pokey type of walker either. I want to lose the weight, for me. Not to become pregnant and end up this way all over again later. I want to lose weight to feel better and look better. Mentally, it will help me so much. I just want to feel good again. I'm just lacking the motivation to really hit a hard diet and exercise pattern.
And, the age difference is something else that concerns me. Since the baby was born that I babysit, the going on 4 yr old, and my own (going on 8) have been having a lot of acting out issues. Because they are "big kids" and want to play with big kid toys. The baby is into everything, and restricts what can be out when he's around. It's a constant battle and a lot of anger and resentment from those 2. The 2 yr old I watch went from playing right along side the other 2, to back to everything in his mouth, getting into stuff he's not suppose to, spitting and copying all the baby behavior. It stresses me out. But, I love these kids like my own, so I keep fighting through it all and make this work. A year ago, we would spend the day outside playing and I could get a lot done yard wise. This year, we're stuck inside, or, we go out and I'm stuck sitting with the baby just supervising, or the baby screams and cries from a stroller/playpen/jumper, whatever. It's very restricting. It's the same at their home too.
So, with the foster/adoption thing, we have to sit down and really discuss the age group we're looking for. My ideal placement age would be between 3-6 yrs old. We're open to siblings, no more than 2 kid group. I originally said I was open from birth to age 7, with siblings being an option. But, if they would call me and say they had a 2 yr old and a baby, I know I can not handle that situation. There has to be better spacing. It scares me.
Ideally, if I was "normal" and could go back in time and have planned my family the way I'd have wanted, I would have had K, then another when he was about 3 maybe 4. Good spacing, and not as stressful to adjust. I think now that he's going on 8, a newborn would not have a bond with him. And the kids I watch are 7 months, 2 and half, and 3 and half. Their age spacing has been difficult, especially now that there is 3.
I know this was long and mixed up random craziness. I just had to clear my mind and maybe someone else reading has felt mixed on if they should keep trying. And if anyone is reading that has decided it's time to prevent, can someone please recommend a PCOS friendly birth control pill?? I need to schedule my yearly in May, and want to go prepared.
I will end with saying that I finally feel at peace with the no more pregnancy thing. I got to experience it. I may not have had the birth plan I wanted, and I may have regrets about some early choices. But, it was a positive end. My kid is healthy and very smart. He has an awesome personality and everyone loves him. He's very caring. I do not think that formula did anything to cause his asthma or anxiety. He is a confident kid, and doing just fine. So I feel good about my choices. Now this being said, someday I may reexplore the baby thing again, if I feel it would be a good fit to our family. But you can bet the way I'd do it would be through adoption. I am truly, 100% done with the dreams of being pregnant again. And I'm totally ok with that.
Friday, April 13, 2012
Updates
Construction is done. (for Kristopher's new room at least)
Here's before:
And after:
Final home study visit was on Tuesday night. We have to get a family picture sent in, and then we wait for our meeting at the office to review it all, and enter the waiting system. I don't have a family picture that is anywhere near recent (bad I know) and we've been battling illnesses every single chance I get for getting something done. But, we're super close to the end of the paperwork side of things.
Sickness.
It started with what I assumed was allergies. The little kids got it first, 3 weeks ago. Clear snot and watery eyes. A week goes by, and 1 out of 3 is back to normal. Then their mom gets it. 2 weeks later, I get it. One kid left with really bad snot drama, the others seemed ok. Easter comes, and K has red eyes. Cleared up with clear eyes and never came back. Day after, diarrhea strikes. I assume it's sugar overload and horrible eating habits over easter. He acts fine by bedtime, but stays off school just in case.
Tuesday, my cold is not getting any better. Major ear pain, and sinus drama. Go to the doctors. Diagnosis, ear infection and sinus infection. Drops and antibiotics. Yippie.
Wednesday, little boys are still snotting and crusty. One goes to the doctor, enter pink eye. Such fun!
Thursday at like 1am. Vomit hits me. Hard. The last time I was this sick, was 8 years go. Severe morning sickness. I suffered all through the night with it, and all day yesterday. When I finally thought I was feeling better, and started to drink little bits, it hit me from the other end. Here it is friday, and I am still sick. Kristopher is also sick. And the kids are home and also sick. 2 out of the 3 have pink eye. 2 also have diarrhea drama. So we have sinus infections, pink eye and stomach drama. It's sick land here. It better leave today. I'm done with this.
Also, I can't take the antibiotic. Makes me extremely nauseous and I can't even choke it down. Waiting on a call from the doctor on if I get something easier on the stomach, or just skip it entirely for now. I woke up with a sore throat and sinus issues again.
Puppies are super loyal during all this. Yesterday I slept all day. They were right beside me. Now, they are laying with Kristopher as he sleeps. It's really cute. But, after a whole day of sleeping, they were hyper and crazy out of control last night.
And as I was typing how nice and cute they are, Kristopher starts screaming. Marley decided to chew the knobs on his drawers under his bed. Evil evil dog!
Here's before:
Final home study visit was on Tuesday night. We have to get a family picture sent in, and then we wait for our meeting at the office to review it all, and enter the waiting system. I don't have a family picture that is anywhere near recent (bad I know) and we've been battling illnesses every single chance I get for getting something done. But, we're super close to the end of the paperwork side of things.
Sickness.
It started with what I assumed was allergies. The little kids got it first, 3 weeks ago. Clear snot and watery eyes. A week goes by, and 1 out of 3 is back to normal. Then their mom gets it. 2 weeks later, I get it. One kid left with really bad snot drama, the others seemed ok. Easter comes, and K has red eyes. Cleared up with clear eyes and never came back. Day after, diarrhea strikes. I assume it's sugar overload and horrible eating habits over easter. He acts fine by bedtime, but stays off school just in case.
Tuesday, my cold is not getting any better. Major ear pain, and sinus drama. Go to the doctors. Diagnosis, ear infection and sinus infection. Drops and antibiotics. Yippie.
Wednesday, little boys are still snotting and crusty. One goes to the doctor, enter pink eye. Such fun!
Thursday at like 1am. Vomit hits me. Hard. The last time I was this sick, was 8 years go. Severe morning sickness. I suffered all through the night with it, and all day yesterday. When I finally thought I was feeling better, and started to drink little bits, it hit me from the other end. Here it is friday, and I am still sick. Kristopher is also sick. And the kids are home and also sick. 2 out of the 3 have pink eye. 2 also have diarrhea drama. So we have sinus infections, pink eye and stomach drama. It's sick land here. It better leave today. I'm done with this.
Also, I can't take the antibiotic. Makes me extremely nauseous and I can't even choke it down. Waiting on a call from the doctor on if I get something easier on the stomach, or just skip it entirely for now. I woke up with a sore throat and sinus issues again.
Puppies are super loyal during all this. Yesterday I slept all day. They were right beside me. Now, they are laying with Kristopher as he sleeps. It's really cute. But, after a whole day of sleeping, they were hyper and crazy out of control last night.
And as I was typing how nice and cute they are, Kristopher starts screaming. Marley decided to chew the knobs on his drawers under his bed. Evil evil dog!
Thursday, March 29, 2012
The first meeting...
My first home study meeting is going to be on Monday. I didn't expect it to happen so fast. So much to do, and we're still not very far on this room switch for Kristopher. We ran into some floor drama, and what should have been done 2-3 weeks ago, just got done this past weekend. So, hopefully, if all goes well, it will be finished this weekend. I sure hope so.
I'm really nervous though. I feel like my house is so cluttered and always crazy. And the dogs better make a good impression. They are still a little wild and crazy, and I don't want them to act too nuts. If I crate them while she's here though, it makes it look like they can't be trusted around people. And they will cry and bark for attention. So, I regret not getting better training for them. They do pretty good, but have been deprived of visitors for a few weeks, so they are going to be showing off. Just like toddlers.
So that's our latest update. More on Monday.
I'm really nervous though. I feel like my house is so cluttered and always crazy. And the dogs better make a good impression. They are still a little wild and crazy, and I don't want them to act too nuts. If I crate them while she's here though, it makes it look like they can't be trusted around people. And they will cry and bark for attention. So, I regret not getting better training for them. They do pretty good, but have been deprived of visitors for a few weeks, so they are going to be showing off. Just like toddlers.
So that's our latest update. More on Monday.
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Sent! And more ramblings.
I'm late at posting this, but final paperwork for our application was sent on Saturday! I should be hearing something within a week or so to start scheduling our home study family meeting, as well as 2 separate meetings for each my husband and myself. We're close to the end of the paperwork journey! I'm fine with the waiting longer for placement, it was the paperwork that was so difficult for me. It was so much, and so much waiting on clearances, trainings, etc. Now I feel like we're on our way. :)
Today Marley is at the vet. She's 6 months old already and spay time it is. We switched vets because something happened to Roxie when she was spayed, and she became terrified of anyone she hasn't seen before. And apparently is marked bite risk at their office because after the event, she snapped at anyone who would touch her. I keep her socialized, and she goes shopping to petsmart very regularly, but she's still uneasy about anyone new trying to touch her too fast. The only thing I know was they said she didn't walk well on their "leash" (rope tied around neck) and they had to "tug" her to get her to go to the kennel area. Which was in the basement. So, I don't know what happened at the steps, but I'm assuming they scared the crap out of her. And hurt her somehow.
But back to Marley. My big moose of a puppy is now 6 months old, and about 45lbs. (Roxie is 21 at 7 months!) And, she is a good bit taller than Zoey was. I moved both puppies up to medium collars when Roxie was spayed, and I think Marley is going to need a large pretty soon.
Construction is still a slow process. We sanded and stained the wood floor Saturday, and it's taking forever to dry. We're hoping that the clear coats can be done this week, and trim and final wall stuff can be done this weekend. Then, we have to wait a couple weeks to move everything in. It says no rugs for 3 weeks, so I will wait to move everything in at once. It looks like everything requires a ton of waiting...Story of my life! I should be use to it. But I'm incredibly impatient.
Today Marley is at the vet. She's 6 months old already and spay time it is. We switched vets because something happened to Roxie when she was spayed, and she became terrified of anyone she hasn't seen before. And apparently is marked bite risk at their office because after the event, she snapped at anyone who would touch her. I keep her socialized, and she goes shopping to petsmart very regularly, but she's still uneasy about anyone new trying to touch her too fast. The only thing I know was they said she didn't walk well on their "leash" (rope tied around neck) and they had to "tug" her to get her to go to the kennel area. Which was in the basement. So, I don't know what happened at the steps, but I'm assuming they scared the crap out of her. And hurt her somehow.
But back to Marley. My big moose of a puppy is now 6 months old, and about 45lbs. (Roxie is 21 at 7 months!) And, she is a good bit taller than Zoey was. I moved both puppies up to medium collars when Roxie was spayed, and I think Marley is going to need a large pretty soon.
Construction is still a slow process. We sanded and stained the wood floor Saturday, and it's taking forever to dry. We're hoping that the clear coats can be done this week, and trim and final wall stuff can be done this weekend. Then, we have to wait a couple weeks to move everything in. It says no rugs for 3 weeks, so I will wait to move everything in at once. It looks like everything requires a ton of waiting...Story of my life! I should be use to it. But I'm incredibly impatient.
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