This has been on my mind for some time now, and I feel like I should get it all out there in case anyone else who reads is struggling with the same. After years and years of infertility drama and all the treatments I have dealt with, I have decided that I no longer want to be pregnant. Quite honestly, if I was to find out today that I was pregnant, I'd probably cry and be terrified. This is going to be a really long post as to why I feel this way.
First of all. It took us over 2 years to get pregnant with Kristopher. Many rounds of clomid, and not so great doctors. While treatment was not that involved, it was a very dark and trying time in our marriage. It was before I really turned to the internet with my feelings, so I had all this hormonal craziness going on that it seemed at the time, like no one else knew how I felt, or what I was going through. I did not have a support system, and my husband was just as upset because I was miserable and he could not fix it. I don't know what got us to the pregnancy point really, other than luck. So, when I got that positive test, I had all these happy thoughts about how wonderful pregnancy would be. I was constantly touching my belly and talking to him. Again, not on internet that often, so I assumed that it was going to go perfectly. I'd have a little bit of issues in the mornings for a few weeks, then it would all be happy and perfect. My morning sickness hit about 6 weeks along. Let me change that. My all day sickness hit. And lasted till almost 30 weeks. When I finally quit my job and was able to be less stressed. I lost 20 something pounds. They made me take suppository medication to control the vomiting. I was down right miserable. Pregnancy didn't make me glow, it made me weak and pale and barfy. I did love the feeling of K moving. But, I was very ready to be past it all and just have my baby. I did not breastfeed, because no one I knew did it and had success. I was told horror stories. I assumed at some point, I was going back to work, so I did not even try. So after the pregnancy was over, I was happy with my baby, and we had a great bond and things were good. I was happy. But, I lost a ton of friends, and lived a pretty isolated world that first year or so. I had a lot of new cycle drama. We had a scare not too long after he was born, and decided we should try again, because it took us so long, not preventing would just mean if it did happen quickly, we would have another kid. I was nervous about pregnancy, but loved being a mom so much that I'd do it all over again.
1-2 yrs after he was born was extreme with cycle drama. And then the real treatment process started up again. Many failed rounds, and a few breaks between it all. Discovery of studies, diagnosis of PCOS, and real answers. The 2 trials that I partcipated in all brought me way down to a new low. I have gained a lot of weight with the treatment and hormonal craziness. I've lost faith it will happen. We move on to option 2. Adoption. It sounds great, but we decide fostering to adoption will be the best fit. That's all in other posts. We're almost finalized and in the wait for placement stage. It feels like it's the right choice for our family. I'm very excited about what this journey will bring.
So last week we had the stomach flu. I vomited so much last week that it brought me flash backs of being pregnant. I felt down right crappy last week. I was weak and worthless around the house. Nothing got done, the dogs were negectled of attention and sometimes went hours before someone realized they didn't have water. Kristopher was whiney and not very understanding to my need to just lay around and sleep between episodes. It took me a while to bounce back. My husband had to miss work to help out. The kids had to stay home and their mom missed a few days of work. It made me realize. I'm not cut out for that anymore. If I got pregnant, and had another extreme vomiting pregnancy, I don't know how my family would survive without someone moving in and helping out. Then I also look at how restricted a pregnancy would make us, and the sleep deprived recovery days after would also be difficult. I don't know that my body can handle all that stress and sickness. I know mentally, I can not. So, I want to prevent. I don't know what to ask for, but I already know due to the PCOS, a tubal is pointless. I don't want my husband to go and have something done. I know an IUD would be easy to deal with, but honestly, they gross me out. And, due to extreme bleeding history, I'm told they won't use that as an option either. So, it looks like birth control pill is my best option. I know I need to make an appt to discuss it all. I have no clue what is out there, and what works well with PCOS. My fear with the pill, is more weight gain. I'm struggling now to lose what I gained with the studies. It's not coming off. I'm active, drink a ton of water, walk at least 2 miles per day for school drop off and pick ups and just random walks. And I'm not a slow pokey type of walker either. I want to lose the weight, for me. Not to become pregnant and end up this way all over again later. I want to lose weight to feel better and look better. Mentally, it will help me so much. I just want to feel good again. I'm just lacking the motivation to really hit a hard diet and exercise pattern.
And, the age difference is something else that concerns me. Since the baby was born that I babysit, the going on 4 yr old, and my own (going on 8) have been having a lot of acting out issues. Because they are "big kids" and want to play with big kid toys. The baby is into everything, and restricts what can be out when he's around. It's a constant battle and a lot of anger and resentment from those 2. The 2 yr old I watch went from playing right along side the other 2, to back to everything in his mouth, getting into stuff he's not suppose to, spitting and copying all the baby behavior. It stresses me out. But, I love these kids like my own, so I keep fighting through it all and make this work. A year ago, we would spend the day outside playing and I could get a lot done yard wise. This year, we're stuck inside, or, we go out and I'm stuck sitting with the baby just supervising, or the baby screams and cries from a stroller/playpen/jumper, whatever. It's very restricting. It's the same at their home too.
So, with the foster/adoption thing, we have to sit down and really discuss the age group we're looking for. My ideal placement age would be between 3-6 yrs old. We're open to siblings, no more than 2 kid group. I originally said I was open from birth to age 7, with siblings being an option. But, if they would call me and say they had a 2 yr old and a baby, I know I can not handle that situation. There has to be better spacing. It scares me.
Ideally, if I was "normal" and could go back in time and have planned my family the way I'd have wanted, I would have had K, then another when he was about 3 maybe 4. Good spacing, and not as stressful to adjust. I think now that he's going on 8, a newborn would not have a bond with him. And the kids I watch are 7 months, 2 and half, and 3 and half. Their age spacing has been difficult, especially now that there is 3.
I know this was long and mixed up random craziness. I just had to clear my mind and maybe someone else reading has felt mixed on if they should keep trying. And if anyone is reading that has decided it's time to prevent, can someone please recommend a PCOS friendly birth control pill?? I need to schedule my yearly in May, and want to go prepared.
I will end with saying that I finally feel at peace with the no more pregnancy thing. I got to experience it. I may not have had the birth plan I wanted, and I may have regrets about some early choices. But, it was a positive end. My kid is healthy and very smart. He has an awesome personality and everyone loves him. He's very caring. I do not think that formula did anything to cause his asthma or anxiety. He is a confident kid, and doing just fine. So I feel good about my choices. Now this being said, someday I may reexplore the baby thing again, if I feel it would be a good fit to our family. But you can bet the way I'd do it would be through adoption. I am truly, 100% done with the dreams of being pregnant again. And I'm totally ok with that.
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