Twinges..

Left ovary is waking up. I had several stabbing pains over the past few hours and definitely other signs that something might be going on.
Now, thoughts on do I order herbs and start, or wait to see what is really going on now? I don't want to start anything in a week and find out it could have messed something up!
But then again, I don't know if anything is actually happening right now......It's teased me before.
It's awake though.

I misunderstood

Apparently the tone of the response the other night was a BIG misunderstanding. He says he has some worries about how things will change and be so different to start over again, but he WANTS it anyway. We will work through anything that comes our way.
He wants me to start the herbs and see if we can control everything that way and if something more comes from it, then awesome. He said he feels that at this point he really just wants to see us in our own house again and get a lot of my every day drama to be over. It's getting kind of stressful here again. But I won't get into all that today.
I am just really glad we were able to talk seriously about it. And we're not done! He really does want to keep trying but not have it take over life entirely to do so.
Huge sigh of relief to me, and I need to chill out a little. I'm obsessing it all way too much again.
I feel a lot better today though.

Canceled

For now....The appt with the RE/PCOS clinic is canceled. 2 reasons behind it.
The first is I found out I need a referral. He's not a regular ob/gyn clinic, so insurance will decline everything and I really don't want to be stuck with the entire bill right now. Or ever for that matter but oh well. I called and I can't just have the referral faxed, I have to personally get a check up and talk to the family doctor before they will refer me elsewhere. Wonderful. And since it's not life or death, I can't get an appt for a few weeks. I said I'll call back later when I figure out my plan.
The second reason is due to some joking around with my husband last night. We were getting K ready for bed and he now will go in, turn the shower on, adjust water and do it all by himself. I jokingly said "well gee...makes ya wonder why we really are trying to start all over again with him being so independent now!" All serious and in a quiet tone he says "Yes, I know....." Of course I am like "HUH? WHAT???" Long story short, he's happy with how things are, and kind of worries if things will change and get harder if we have another. I ask why we've been trying like this for basically 5 yrs now and all of a sudden he's not sure anymore. He doesn't want to talk about it now because he doesn't want to start a fight. And then goes to bed. Really wonderful. Of course my mind is going non stop right now and basically all night. We haven't talked since that conversation last night and I honestly don't know what to think.
I've said it before and I'll say it again. I do not feel complete with the way things are now. I feel like something is missing. I have a lot of regrets of things I did not try or do when K was a baby. I left other people's opinions get to me more than I should have. The one big thing I really regret and wonder about is breastfeeding. I didn't even try. Why? First of all I was very much not educated on all the benefits. Back then, I knew NO ONE who did it and had success. Everyone who did try, said it was so hard and hurt so bad. Family basically told me it was impossible. When I was first asked at my first ob appt what my plans were, I said not sure, but figured probably formula fed because at the time I planned to go back to work full time at 6 weeks pp. It was never brought up again, even in the hospital when I had him. If someone would have just said anything positive back then, I'd have tried. And, obviously I did not make it back to work, and when K was about 1 week old and the milk wasn't drying up, I started to regret my decision. I talked to my mom about it and she made it sound dirty or wrong to even think of trying at that point because he was "thriving great on formula." Anyway, I'm not going to start a huge debate on the subject. He thrived and was always advanced and never any problems as a baby. But I do wonder if maybe that might be some of his problems now. Maybe it would be different if I would have tried.
But anyway, I'm more educated now on a lot of subjects and I just want a 2nd chance to try it all again. No one will really understand the way I feel unless they are me so I should give up on explaining it. I just don't know that I'm ready to move past this part of our life and I truly don't think I can feel settled and "done" for a while.

A boring day

Today we're staying home and it's cold and rainy. It ruined my other plans so we're just relaxing and staying in.
Check out the orchid that my wonderful little man bought for me.

Yesterday he saw me opening a b-day card and he starts crying. I asked what was wrong and he says "I didn't get to buy you a present!" I told him that was ok and he insisted it was not. Then when I said how about a really big birthday hug instead. He cried harder and said that it wasn't good enough to be a present. Even though I said it was, he was still sad. I asked well what was it you wanted to get? And suggested that he just make a cool picture with his art stuff. He said no to that and that he wanted to "buy a purple orchid. Because purple is your favorite color and orchids are your very favorite flowers!" And then was upset because he didn't have money and "can't drive!" More tears.
Awww!! He can be so sweet when he tries! My husband calls at break and we decided to go see him for lunch. While we were there, he slips K some money and told him he can get mommy a present while we are out. It was all secret, and K put it in his pocket like a big guy. It was really cute and he felt very important. The first 2 stops did not have orchids for whatever reason, so he was getting really worried. We stopped at a different lowes and there was lots to choose from. He was so excited! It made his day. I had a pretty good day too. And I got a new orchid without a complaint from my husband. hehehe....

And, he somehow convinced my mom that "all birthday's deserve cake" (btw, I love his thinking lately!) and he "ordered" me a cake. It was a DQ Ice cream cake. Yummy.


So much for healthy eating this week. Oh well....How can I say no to that?

A new week

I am so glad last week is over. I've vowed to my husband last night that this week will be better. I sure hope it is.
Still no period. It's off on vacation or something. No pains or spotting but the hormones are completely messed up now. I sat down last night to order the herbs and my husband thinks I need to wait till I have my appt. To get an u/s and blood work if this hasn't started. And if that comes back saying everything is low and like my normal, then to order and start. I guess I kind of see his point. My appt is a little over a week away and I'll definitely be keeping that one. So I can handle waiting one more week with things.
But as I was saying, the hormones are really screwy right now. I'm a complete emotional mess for almost a week now. I know I NEED for things to be regulated. My first attempt at things will be the herbs.

For today, I think I'm going to be brave and venture out for some errands. Lets hope for not repeats of Friday....