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This is how I feel lately. I guess technical term is depression. I'll admit it. Maybe that's the first step to overcoming this crap.
In the past year, I've started hiding out more, not caring about anything, and just drowning in this horrible mood and attitude. I'm sick of it. This weekend I finally weighed myself for the first time in like 3 months. It was BAD. A year and half ago when the study ended, I was 10lbs away from hitting my *Ideal* weight. Something I haven't been in so many years. Now, I need to lose 30-35 to hit that. I have gained at least 20lbs. It's scary. What is so weird is my jeans still fit. I've just created a wonderful muffin top and getting some nasty thighs. I feel absolutely disgusting. I quit taking my herbs, quit taking the vitamins, and am eating and drinking junk. Caffeine is my best friend I've recently discovered McDonalds caramel mochas. McDonalds is very close, so I've been hitting that several times a week. Not only is it extremely bad, it's also getting expensive. I have to stop.
So, between that weight wake up call, and um, day time "adult time", I'm grossed out enough to do something about this. I have some nice exercise equipment partially set up in the basement. I have a wii and the active challenge game that has never been played. I have P90x that I started for a whole whopping 2 days, and then quit. It's time to use this crap.
Tonight I spent a half hour on the gazelle elliptical thing, and did 2.36 mile, and burnt 286 calories. My legs are like jello and steps are hard to do. I feel totally weak and exhausted. I took my vitamin and drank a ton of water. I feel accomplished for tonight.
Tomorrow I'm going to cut back the caffeine. I'm too busy and too dependant to cut it out completely just yet. Cut back should be good enough for now. I'm going to try to do this elliptical thing every evening. Half hour a day should help. We will see what I can squeeze in of other things. I can't wait for spring so I can walk in the evenings. I find it so much easier and more relaxing than this stupid machine.
And, I'm going to try harder to blog more frequently. If I can clear my mind completely, maybe I'll feel better. There's a lot going on in my mind and a lot of stress. I need to get past this. I feel like crap.
And, over the weekend I relocated a ton of Kristopher's baby videos. I'm want to get healthier so that we can revisit that subject again. I'm not ready to quit just yet. I can't find peace with things the way they are just yet. My mental stop point is 2 yrs away. So I have 2 yrs to figure that out. For now, must get healthier.....