Another false alarm

Judge ruled to keep the family together.  So, it was another false alarm.  Looking back to when I said that this would be so much easier than the ttc round, and the waiting, boy was I WRONG.  This can really do a number on my nerves. 
At least the family was kept together.  They were going to be spliting a sibling group of 4 if the parents lost them.  I'm glad they can stay together.  And hope that the parents realize how lucky they are, and do a better job. 
I'm also told that it's been busier lately with calls, and a few more big court dates coming up, so we will probably hear something else in the next week or 2.  We're definitely looking really good on paper apparently because for this particular case, we were first choice.  "no pressure, but we really want you for this set.   You are our first choice."  Makes me feel good, but also scares me. 

For now, I'm completely exhausted from 24 hours of wondering, and I'm going to go crash. 

Might have placement

Got another call last night.  Court is in an hour, and then we will know for sure.  This is for 2 boys, closer in age to Kristopher.  I wasn't expecting them to call so soon again, or to have 2, but we talked it over and are ready to accept if it comes to that.  I'll update more later, but no update probably means they are here and things are overwhelmingly busy.  Yikes!!

Anxiety Sucks!!

Recently an old friend posted on Facebook posted this:
"add, adhd, anxiety, and depression are all fictitious ailments perpetrated by the government to make you think you're not "normal" and buy THEIR medications so they can get rich off of you meanwhile you're popping all kinds of harmful pills that's destroying your body and your individuality. EVERYONE worries sometimes, EVERYONE gets sad sometimes, EVERYONE loses focus sometimes." 
The rest of what was said is way too inappropriate for me to share on here.  But lets just say, I'm furious by this.  We have been struggling with some severe anxiety with Kristopher for going on a year now.  The past month or so has been out of control bad with it, and we're struggling to cope without feeling like we're traumatizing him or hurting him in some way. 
I DO NOT want to medicate.  He's so young, and I feel that with proper therapy, we can push through this and help him learn to cope without medication.  But, we're very close to that step. 
He currently sees a child psychologist who does play therapy.  She's been really awesome this past year with tips and amazing support as we struggle with how to parent and deal with him in a positive way.  But, we're getting close to the point of her not being able to help.  The tips she's given us, he's not willing to listen to anymore.  He gets himself so upset, and is making himself physically ill on a nightly basis.  We have started giving melatonin for bed, and while it does shorten our episodes, he still goes to bed every night extremely upset and it takes being hard on him and refusing to talk about it anymore, to get him to stay in his bed and go to sleep.  Most nights, he falls asleep crying.  The next step will be if we can't gain some form of control and help him get past this, that he will be sent to a psychiatrist.  He will get a total mental work up, and labeled as clinical anxiety.  And put on an antidepressant.  At 7 years old.  SEVEN. 
Ever since our stomach flu incident about 6 weeks ago, he's struggled with bedtime.  He has a major fear of getting sick, and assumes that every growl or weird feeling in his stomach means he has to crap, so he's going at least 6-10 times in the evenings, and then worries when he tries and can't go, that he will vomit in his sleep, or have an accident.  He also has decided he doesn't want to sleep alone anymore.  We tried cosleeping when he was a baby.  He didn't do well with it.  He slept so much better on his own, in his own bed/area and with no distractions or hearing anyone else getting up.  It still continues.  If he has a sleepover, he sleeps horrible because of the other person.  He loves it, but he hears everything, stays up way too late because of excitement, then gets up way too early because he hears someone else get up to use the bathroom, or cough, or anything really.  He's been sleeping alone for the past 7 and half years.  I'm not starting it now.

And with his anxiety, he can shut it off.  He doesn't have any issues at all at school.  Both myself, and the therapist have been talking to the school, and they act like we're confused on what kid we're dealing with.  He can completely shut it off with other people.  He doesn't do this when he spends the night with my parents.  He doesn't do it if we have someone sleep over.  If we go camping, totally fine.  But get him anywhere near bedtime here, and it all goes crazy. He is so sleep deprived and emotional lately.  I feel terrible when he goes to bed upset, but this kid can talk and talk for hours to try to reason with us on why he should be allowed to sleep somewhere else. 

But anyway, this status thing this morning sent me over the edge.  I do agree to some extent that everyone is very quick to jump to diagnosis, and once the school has to deal with it at all, they want to shove medication into the loop.  But, to some people, these issues are very much there, and no amount of talking or therapy can help.  To sit there and say that it's all made up, is the biggest load of crap I have ever heard.  I hope that he never has a child that has to go through this, or marries someone who is going through it and has to witness how hard it truly can be.  What we're dealing with is very real.  It's very hard to deal with and to keep a positive mindset.  I wish that there was a magical switch that could change it, and allow my child to be a normal kid.  That we could go back to normal stress free bedtime, and everyone could get proper sleep.  But this is our life for now, and we will continue to fight it and push through.  And I dare someone to actually say that it's all made up and fake, to my face.  They will live to regret it.

Practice

Last week we had a practice call from the agency.  It was not actually a practice.  It was a real call, witha  real kid that needed placement.
I was told that there was a child being removed from the mother because of drug abuse.  Family was not able to be located/contacted, so placement was needed for that evening.  It was almost 4pm and I was asked to pick the child up between 4:30 and 5 that day.  It was an instant panic in my mind because we have kind of let ourselves believe this will take a lot longer since we're looking for younger than Kristopher.  So, the room is not ready.  I haven't painted, or done the repairs I had hoped to do.  Which really, it's fine as is, because Kristopher used it that way for the entire time we lived here.  I just want it to look better.  Lighter walls, nicer ceiling, etc.  And all I have is a futon mattress.  The frame broke prior to our last move, and I never replaced it.  I didn't buy a frame because I really can't prepare all that well not knowing how many we are going to get, ages/boy/girl/etc.  If we get sibling placement and they tiny kids, I will just do toddler beds initially.  Anyway, back to the call.
While I'm freaking out mentally, she's explaining a few things.  She said to call my husband and then call her back in 5 mins.  They need an answer that fast.  Then said "oh the caseworker is calling. I'll just call you back when I finish.  I'll see what other info I can find out."  The only info I was given was the child was a boy, his age, and why he was being taken.  They didn't know race, what for problems he may have, or anything else. 
So I called my husband.  He said yes, and I waited for the call back.  A little over 5 mins passed, and she called back saying that the caseworker had located family and they want the child, so placement was not needed after all.  Then she laughed about how good of a practice run that was, and complimented on how easily it was to get ahold of me, how impressed they were with our fast thinking and fast answers, given the fact we weren't given very much info. 
In this child's case, it would have been a short stay.  It really could have been just a day or 2 till extended family was found and was given a chance to take the kid in.  And the  mother probably would not lose the child in this case either.  Unless she refused to follow the guidelines to get him back. 
The program we're trying to get connected with is a fast tract thing.  The parent loses the child, and then gets a strict guideline to follow.  In that time, they get frequent visitations, at a neutral location, with the caseworker.  They have to follow their rules, (get rehab, get a job, get a stable home) whatever has caused them to lose their child must be met.  If they do not follow that within the certain amount of timeframe, the judge will terminate all rights, and we have the chance to adopt. 
I like the idea of this program because it's not like we'd be holding on for years and then lose the child years from now.  It will be a pretty quick process.  Either the child is back with parents in a couple months-not much over 6 months, or we get the option to adopt.

So, that was only a week and half after our finalizing meeting.  I have this gut feeling that we will hear something more in the next few weeks.  I really feel we will have placement before mid summer.  So it's been enough to wake me up and realize how real this is.  Time to get my butt in gear and get the room more prepared. 

We are IN

Yesterday, we met with the agency and our application and home study is finalized.  We are certified and accepted, and will renew in May 2013.  Based on our review, they have us listed as allowed up to 2 children, with an age range of 0-7 yrs old.  The home study review that goes out there to all the caseworkers and what not, is amazingly written.  It makes us sound way better than I could have imagined.  At this point, we are in a wait game.  We could get a call today, or not for a few months.  It may take even longer.  Either way, we are in and there's nothing left to do till the call comes. 
They will check in with us every 2 weeks with updates on the searches.  For now, things are kind of slow in the system, but they claim everytime they make that comment, it turns into an overwhelming rush of calls and not enough placement options. 
Really, there's not much planning I can do.  I want to get a new dresser for in that room, and still want to paint and do some updates.  We were going to redo the floor, but since we waited too long, I don't want to start that project just in case.  It takes a few weeks to be ready for furniture and a kid to be in there, so we can't risk that just yet.  I think eventually I'll remove the carpet and just do the fake wood flooring.  At least that is something we could do in a day if we decide to.  My weekend plan is to sand and paint, and then shampoo the carpet. 
I also want to get a nice wooden futon since we have no clue an age yet.  With a futon, it's low enough that if the child is younger, it would work for a little, and if it's an older kid near K's age, it will work for them too.  I have a pack n play and access to a crib or toddler bed as needed.  Once we know ages/how many, I can do more.  And a futon at that point can be moved to my room for whatever.  I'm sure the dogs would enjoy a bed like that too.  haha

So that's our application update.  Now it's wait and see.  This part seems easier to me than the waiting for approval.  Big relief.